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AIBU?

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Original poster

My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

279 replies

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 09/07/2025 13:07

Why would you get anything? 6 months of living in his house with him paying for everything - nope. You are entitled to nothing.

He is very clear that he does not see himself re-marrying in the future and has spelled out for you that if this is what you want then the pair of you should split up now.

Take his advice. He sounds a decent sort who is not going to change his mind. He doesn't and won't ever want to marry you.

I've got to be honest, I'm not sure what you actually think you bring to the relationship to make marriage to you an attractive proposition.

Rewis · 09/07/2025 13:07

Have you actually ever sat down and had a conversation about the future? What you want the future to look like etc.

iamnotalemon · 09/07/2025 13:08

To be honest, I don’t think I would have let you move in either especially if I was paying for everything. No chance!

millymollymoomoo · 09/07/2025 13:08

So you want to get married as you don’t earn much and feel
entitled to a share of his assets! Why should you get anything ? It’s his and his sons? You want more money, go earn it.

if I was him id absolutely not be marrying you,

BabyCatFace · 09/07/2025 13:09

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

Erm - he's housing and financially supporting her. There's no suggestion he's treating her badly at all. Protecting his financial security is absolutely sensible.

JHound · 09/07/2025 13:09

Also a lot of people have no interest in remarrriage. None of my grandparents did after divorce / deaths. A friend of mine is a divorcee and expecting her first child with her current partner. He proposed and she said no. She loves him but for her marriage was a one time thing.

Mauvehoodie · 09/07/2025 13:10

I think it's fairly understandable from his perspective given the very specific set of circumstances.

I think the questions I'd ask myself would be:

  1. Do I want children? (and does he?)
  2. Is the rest of the relationship good - do you generally feel included, loved, prioritised (marriage aspect aside)?
  3. Did he ever you give you an indication he'd be up for marriage?
  4. Is never getting married a dealbreaker for me?

If you don't want children, the rest of the relationship is good and he didn't future fake you to think he wanted marriage and it's not a dealbreaker for you, I think I'd stay in the relationship and accept it.

If he pays the bills, is there any way you can up your income and save up/invest so you have a nest egg/property/pension etc in case anything happened? I think I'd be looking to be a bit more independent and make my own life/finances work.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 09/07/2025 13:12

You either accept the relationship exactly as it is, or you don’t. Don’t date someone because of possibility or potential.

BabyCatFace · 09/07/2025 13:13

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 12:44

He can, he just doesn't want to.
He thinks you're not marriage material. That not meant to sound horrible, I've been there done that, t-shirt kind of thing. It's beyond crap. He's literally telling you he thinks you're beneath him. People suck. Much sympathy

She's not marriage material though. Sorry to be harsh but she's not - she earns little and has no assets. Why would he marry her? They aren't financial equals.

Isitreallysohard · 09/07/2025 13:13

It sounds like hs been through alot, how long after his wife died did you get together, he also has a son who was 8 at the time. I wouldn't assume anyone who has been divorced or widowed would want to marry again. Obviously you need to talk with him

IkeaMeatballGravy · 09/07/2025 13:14

Why do you feel entitled to any of this man's money?

He doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want the inheritance he and his late wife have built for their son to go to a new woman.

He has been clear with you, if you don't like it, your options are to leave, or enjoy the lifestyle he is currently providing you with but with the knowledge that it is temporary. If you want your own children I would reccomend leaving.

Brokenclavicle653 · 09/07/2025 13:14

I don’t mean this reply to sound harsh op but you need to:

(a) work towards getting a better job and start earning more so you can be more independent and do this irrespective of this current relationship so you never put yourself in this vulnerable position ever again

(b) if marriage is what you want then walk away from this man. You are never going to persuade him to marry you while he doesn’t feel the consequences of your absence, and when every day you stay there, you are demonstrating that you are not serious about your intentions . And if you are not serious about what you want op why would your dp take you seriously?

Tbh, I can’t really believe that this subject didn’t come up six months ago when you moved in? Surely if you hadn’t discussed your future together before this point, then that was a natural moment to do so?

Your dp may not want to get married again because of the trauma of what he went through with his first wife, and tbh, that’s a pretty good reason. He should have been much more open about this from the beginning. But now that he has been clear, I don’t know why you wouldn’t believe him? And sorry op, but would you really want to marry someone you need to bring kicking and screaming to the altar? If marriage is what you want then you have to have some self respect and leave.

I’m very sorry you are going through this though. Please don’t throw any more years away with this man. You are entitled to want marriage for yourself, as much as he is entitled to not want it. It’s very hard when you love someone but sometimes love is not enough. 💐

Cakeandusername · 09/07/2025 13:15

You know where you stand he’s told you he has no intention of marrying you. Much better than giving you an engagement ring and stringing you along.
Lots of people wouldn’t remarry. Protecting inheritance for son, feeling disloyal to deceased spouse, seeing no need to etc.
If you want marriage you need to move in to someone who also wants that.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/07/2025 13:16

God I’m not surprise he doesn’t want to marry you.

He owns the house AND pays for everything, you don’t “earn much” or contribute and are only concerned about what you’d get out of a divorce when you’ve paid fuck all in. I’m glad he has his eyes wide open.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2025 13:18

Why would he change his mind?

He’s been honest and clear, he hasn’t led you on, he won’t welcome you bringing it up again. Accept his decision or break up with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong and you shouldn’t have assumed anything. You seem to be onto a pretty good deal with him supporting you but if you want more than find someone else.

Crochetandtea · 09/07/2025 13:19

He won’t marry you be because he doesn’t want you to have a share of his property. He is protecting his son’s future.
If you would like a home, family and children of your own then you need to leave.

Cakeandusername · 09/07/2025 13:20

You would get nothing if he asked you to move out. If he dies you’ll only get something if he makes provision in his will.
You are in a precarious position, less rights than a lodger.
Presumably you funded your own housing and bills before moving in. If he’s paying everything now then you can presumably save and invest eg some women who cohabit in a house solely owned by man will have a property they rent out as a fall back.

Whatdoidotoday · 09/07/2025 13:21

He’s been quite clear with you. It’s you who are choosing to stay and badger him. He and his child have been through major trauma and I don’t blame him one bit for not wanting that commitment anymore.
he has set out his terms, and you are an adult to decide whether to accept it. If you do you cannot complain

Whatdoidotoday · 09/07/2025 13:22

i think I read a thread a day on women who are desperate to be with a man- all the same story, they live in his house , low earners , and yet expect him to fund them. Too many gold diggers around

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 09/07/2025 13:23

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

How has he treated the OP badly, They both want different things and he has been honest about it.

I thought people were allowed different choices?

Sassybooklover · 09/07/2025 13:23

My honest opinion is that if a man genuinely loves his partner and WANTS to marry, he will ask in a timely manner. Marriage is something you both should have discussed way before you ever moved in with him. It shouldn't be something you just assume will happen and it's something you both want. Your partner has very bluntly, but clearly stated that he won't marry you, now or in the future. He told you that if marriage is important to you, then walk away. The man can't spell it out to you any clearer. You need to think very carefully about what you want for your future. If it's marriage, then your partner is correct you need to end the relationship. You are living in his home, and he's paying all the bills. If you separate, now, you leave with nothing, other than what you brought with you. If you separate in 20 years, you still leave with nothing. You aren't married to him, so have no legal protection. There could be various reasons why he doesn't want to marry you, but I suspect the main one being his son. Your partner's priority has to be his son, he is his son's only parent. Don't wait around for him to change his mind, a friend of mine did that, her partner had made it clear to her he never wanted marriage. She stayed hoping he'd change his mind, she wasted 8 years waiting for that change, it never happened. Eventually, the penny dropped, she realised he wasn't changing his mind and ended the relationship.

Isitreallysohard · 09/07/2025 13:24

Erm he owns the house and pays for everything and your worried you'll get nothing. What exactly do you think you need or deserve?

Coconutter24 · 09/07/2025 13:24

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Is this the house he and his late wife bought? If so and he’s paying for everything you don't deserve to be left it, his son does, especially as your not paying anything towards it. What did you do before you moved in did you pay rent or have your own house? If he asked you to move out tomorrow you’d have to go and find a place to live same applies if he dies (unless his will says otherwise)

Rainbow1901 · 09/07/2025 13:25

Being mercenary - I kind of don't blame him. Not for wanting to not get married but because he is protecting his assets for him and his child.
Find a better job so you can protect yourself better and come to some agreement where you pay fairly towards bills but have no input regarding anything else such as house maintenance. Who knows - getting married may happen in the future but he's a widower and will have a lot to deal with for that after all his wife took her own life in the middle of a very difficult situation. You went into this relationship knowing about his circumstances and were prepared to accept that unless it was only on the proviso that you were getting married at some point!

HeartyViper · 09/07/2025 13:25

Perhaps to him marriage is once and done? He was married once, he does not want to remarry - that’s his prerogative. Your feelings may be hurt, but they are yours and not his. He has been honest and upfront - I don’t think he’s at fault here, and it’s entirely reasonable for someone who has lost their spouse tragically to feel like this.
What you do with this, is up to you.