My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

This was unnecessarily mean and rude. Women get told all the time on here to protect themselves with marriage. OP could end up homeless and penniless if her DP died, she wants stability and financial security. There is nothing wrong with that.

OP it doesn't sound like a good relationship for you and I would break up with him if marriage is what you want. I too would be worried about financials and not having anywhere to live if the worst happens.

Some really harsh replies on here re the financial imbalance in the relationship. It sounds kind of medieval, that you’re only worth marrying if you can bring land / assets / a dowry with you. What happened to marrying for love?
That said, I wonder if he doesn’t actually love you enough to want to marry you. The relationship has been a slow burner; he ‘has said’ he loves you - this doesn’t sound to me as though he is head over heels - and he has literally told you to leave if marriage is that important to you. You are not important enough to him for him to consider it, think about it, discuss options etc. He doesn’t really sound bothered about your relationship.
Get out and find someone who really loves you.

Spot on.

Also surely if he’s paying for everything you can be saving up right now?

Why would you get anything? He owns the house and he pays for everything. You're no contributing to the household and you have every opportunity to save your money while living in his house rent and bill free. If you don't earn much then earn more.

I think if you want marriage and that's not on the table the your best to walk. However, do it because you love the guy. Not because you expect to be looked afrer financially. Its very entitled and grabby.

Just read the last line. If it’s his house, and he pays for everything, I don’t see why you should feel entitled to any of it. If you were contributing then that’s different. He is protecting his and his sons assets.

Women get told to protect themselves with marriage when they have kids, yes.

OP came into this relationship owning nothing, paying nothing, and still doesn’t. Why do you think she should be entitled to a single penny of anything? What is she “protecting” herself from here? She’d be left with exactly what she came with- fuck all. That is fair.

He will not marry you. He has been crystal clear.

He's not going to marry you. If that is what you want, you need to split up with him. You need to work and provide for yourself financially. Why are you letting him pay for everything?

God forbid i ever find myself in this guys position however if I did i wouldn't remarry either. I'd protect my wealth my assets etc for my child only

What happened to marrying for love?

I'm sure this guy would cheerfully marry for love. What he isn't willing to do is sign over half his house and assets.

If prenups were a thing in UK law maybe a marriage for love would be possible. A non legal binding celebration of the relationship service might also be possible.

...but marrying for love isn't a sensible option for this guy so they'll have to manage with just with the love.

I mean, he's not unreasonable to not wnat to marry you but a few questions here to understand your situation better...Why does he own the house? Where were you living before you moved in?
Why does he pay for everything?
Why dont you earn 'much'? You dont mention children of your own?
How old are you? When did his wife pass away?

He gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up

I don't blame him for getting annoyed when he's been so very clear already

Yes there's a risk that you'd "get nothing" having moved into his house with no protection for yourself, but you knew that and did it anyway, perhaps attracted by the fact that everything would be paid for you

In cases where a woman's moved in a man like this everyone screams "cocklodger", and I'd be wary of pushing marriage in case he comes to the same conclusion in reverse and you lose the lot

Women get told to protect themselves when they actually bring something to the table. OP is being greedy and grasping - she's been in his house for six months.

To be honest, I thought I was quite polite. Lots of posters have been ruder.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

What’s in it for him?

To be fair, you don’t know that the op doesn’t contribute eg doing all of the housework and looking after her stepson. Her dp may have kept the relationship going for that reason and for the sex, despite knowing that marriage was her goal. In which case it’s not all op’s fault that this situation came about.

However, now her dp has been more explicit, then op has to leave if she is serious about marriage.

Op I would advise against clinging on in the hope that your dp will change his mind. He is much less likely to respect you this way.

Also, why is he only the one allowed to make decisions and define the parameters of your relationship? You are being too passive if you allow that. You are entitled to make your decision too and walk away with your head held high.

Marrying purely for love is fine before children, but this man is the only parent his son now has, of course provision for his son will come before the love he has for the OP.

He won’t change his mind. If my husband died I would never remarry. He was my husband, my life, my all. Leave.

There you have it! The mumsnet mantra! Fuck all is what people deserve. The poor you have always with you so romantic relationships should exploit that power dynamic and the wealthier and more secure party should build assets during a relationship while the poorer party should “get nothing.”

He's been quiet clear.
He has absolutely no intention of marrying you.

Up to you if you want waste your future hoping he will change his mind.

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing

this is why he doesn’t want to marry you. If he does, his concern will be his son gets nothing. Which is very possible as it will be totally your decision on where his money goes if he leaves it to you.

so either you get nothing or his son get nothing. I’d choose my child too.

here’s a thought, why don’t you sort your finances out and make sure you can fund yourself and your own life. Then you don’t need to marry a man to make sure you’re taken care of. Women can do that you know, be financially independent.

i couldn’t give a shit if I were married, but that’s probably because I earn as much as dh and if he did leave me nothing, I’d be fine looking after myself.

Women are also told to protect their children, which is exactly what this man is doing.

Totally disagree. I think @LandSharksAnonymous nailed it.

If her DP dies OP will be left with exactly what she contributed to the relationship. A big fat zero! It's his house that she has moved into. He pays for everything. She may be on a low income, but she keeps every penny of it. She needs to start planning for her own future instead of trying to cheat a child out of his inheritance.

A man would be called a cocklodger in this scenario. Is a fannylodger a thing?

OP are you fairly young op?
He sounds like he is protecting his son inheritance and rightly so. His son is his main focus and this is right. However it makes you feel like an outsider. Marriage is not going to change that.

You either stay with him and accept there will be no marriage. Or go. Either way you need to focus on being independent and not being dependent on him.

This is a decent guide to legal position
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

@NewbieYou I agree. My mum never remarried after being widowed quite young. If my husband died I wouldn’t remarry. It’s a very personal thing.

My Mother was a widow and wouldn’t marry she’d have lost her widow’s pension which was over £30K a year. Also we got paid through our education separately with his pension. It’s common sense in those circumstances.