My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Also consider that the house may have been financed by his wife's life insurance policy. So part of his home may have been paid off as a direct result of her death. Why would he want to risk any of that money going to anyone other than his son.

Get some dignity and do better.

Very grasping, the last line.

I was going to ask if you want kids but actually it doesn't matter. You've both laid out what you want and they aren't the same thing. You will have to decide whether you can truly accept that or whether you'll have to split up. It may be hard to come back from this discussion.

This.

In terms of financial vulnerability- if he's paying for everything you should have been able to save tons this past 6 months. Why aren't you building your own safety net?

In his shoes I wouldnt marry either.

Try and have a more open conversation about this. What makes you want to get married, exactly? What makes him so determined to avoid it, exactly? If you can both be honest, there may possibly be some compromise. If for example he's reluctant because of you inheriting money he wants to leave for his son, and you don't care about inheriting because you are already well provided for, you could take legal advance about how to manage this. If he's superstitious because the last woman he loved and married died tragically, some therapy might help him.
If one or both of you can't discuss this honestly and with an intention of making things good for both of you, it doesn't say much for your long term future together anyway.

I think lots of parents divorced or widowed decide not to remarry. It’s generally not good for the kids, may impact future inheritance etc. I personally wouldn’t remarry (divorced) I think he should of been honest sooner though.

@SpanielsGalore 'fanny-lodger' has a particularly odd ring to it for some reason. 😷

He's prioritising his son over you. Which is as it should be, to be honest. Particularly with your comment about what you might "get" if you split up.

I'm in the same boat: I have a 14 year old DD and there's no way on earth I would marry my partner. Why would I put my daughter's inheritance at risk for a guy who may not be around forever? That doesn't mean I don't love my partner, I do, but it would be insane to prioritise him over my daughter. No responsible parent would remarry, particularly after being widowed in such tough circumstances, without being absolutely certain that their kids were protected.

He doesn't want to marry you (and I don't blame him, based on the way you've posted about your situation). So your choices are to accept this and reset your expectations or to move on. That's it.

You sound like a fannylodger.

He has told you he won't marry you, believe him. Why would he jeopardise his son's inheritance with someone who is a financial leech.

but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him

Thats much more important than the marriage part.
To be blunt, getting married won’t change that feeling.
But it might well be that you feel like the third wheel because you are. And this could explain his reaction when you asked him further his reasons re marriage or lack of.
Tbf, I’d also have an issue with his ‘communication style’. It’s very much take it or leave it. Not a partnership.

OP, if you are struggling to understand, look at it from his point of view.

He has a house, an income and a child who is the most important thing in his life. All his planning will be around his son. Paying for his son's university (£60k), giving his son a house deposit (another £60k?) , maybe school fees (£140k?)

If he married you, he would risk half of everything he has. Risk his son's comfortable future. Why would he do that? He already has you keeping his bed warm. He provides the roof over your head and he pays all the bills. What do you contribute to the family economy?

Unless there is a drip-feed coming, you haven't contributed anything so you don't deserve to 'get anything'.

Time to focus on your career, your income, your independence.

So you never actually discussed marriage in the beginning and you just assumed he would want to marry you one day. Well now you know he won’t so it’s time to make the decision whether you walk away or you continue without marriage.

I nearly went with the c word instead. Purely so it matched cocklodger, you understand. Nothing to do with the actual person in question. 😉

You are not going to change him, so if marriage is so important to you then no point hanging around in case he changes his mind. Imagine in 10 years time and he still hasn’t changed his mind?

I think you need to decide what’s more important- being with him or getting married? Being with him is precarious because he could break up with you at any
moment.

if I were you, I’d focus on have a job that pays enough thst you can look after yourself, and the rest will follow. Being financially dependant in a partner is precarious.

Not sure where you got the idea the OP is being a leech from tbh….

But the inheritance part could be solved (a will a good place to start with!).
And certainly, he should convey his worries to the OP IF the inheritance is the issue. Not just close the conversation tge way he did

Have some self respect, move on and earn your own money.

He has told you no marriage. I can see why, you don’t contribute financially to the relationship and his first responsibility is to his child. As an adult you need to be financially responsible for your self.

You may be the main person doing all the cooking/cleaning but if you live for free on rent and bills then he’s kind of paying for that., I’m being harsh but if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t get married again either…

so unless you are going to drip feed a back story of being 20, first relationship and he is controlling and makes you stay home (which means you need to LTB) then you need to look at yourself and how you can make more of your own life and finances so you are not relying on him

OP has as much opportunity to build an asset as anyone else in this scenario! She is having all her housing expenses met by someone else!

If I was him I wouldn't want to marry you either.
Marrying you won't improve his life, it would make him financially less stable and potentially take away his child's inheritance. He's made it clear all along that he doesn't want to remarry, why on earth would you imagine he will change his mind?
You actually come across as a gold-digger, and as if you think he's a meal ticket, extremely unattractive.

Op. He has told you he won't marry again and I can think of lots of good reasons why he wouldn't if he has a son. Why on earth do you think you entitled to anything if you don't pay anything towards the mortgage and bills. If you want to get married you need to find someone who wants to get married. You must be saving alot if money if you not helping financially.

He won’t marry you because his wife is the love of his life and in this life she is his wife and that’s his memory of her and he doesn’t want you to replace her.
I can understand that, why can’t you?
He’s made a life with you now but she’s his wife and you’ll never take that away from him. Stop trying.

He doesnt want yo get married. Why will he change his mind. Are you going yo change yours. It sounds like you aren't compatible.

I agree with you.

OP, the man is being upfront with you, and I think it’s a great idea to have more open conversations where both of you share your thoughts and feelings. Try to find common ground if possible, and if not, it might be best to part ways and follow your own paths.

OP, I don’t see any problem with him. He’s doing what works for him and his situation. Please don’t pressure him to conform to your preferences.

Of course, there are women here criticizing the guy and calling him an awful person just because he’s a man, but he really isn’t, nor is he wrong.

As a good father he is not completely free to marry.
He might love you but must be restricted in some ways.

He knows that making you part of his family would be limiting the love/time/money/loyalty he has to spend on his child - one who no longer has a mother and so relies on him for everything.

Do you love his son - like his mother would and does his son love you?
Do you think that you would be adding to the son's life or taking from it?

Perhaps he is not the man for you. You would like to be taken care of financially. He can't offer to support you - without taking from his son.