My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Agree with this. This is exactly what I popped on to say. He's told you what you need to do, whether you choose to listen and act is up to you.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Presumably while you've been living rent and bill free for 6months you'll have saved yourself the start of a tidy little nest egg. That's your asset if anything did happen or you split. Everything his is still his.

He doesn't want to marry you. He has said so quite clearly.

If you are looking for marriage you need to consider looking elsewhere.

Have you considered making yourself independent and relying on yourself for a living, rather than relying on a partner to keep you?

If you never met him in the first place what would you do?

I wouldn’t marry you if I was him either. Why would he want his son to lose anything to you when you haven’t paid for anything?

You should focus on becoming financially independent.

Respectfully, are you on crack?

"How he treats you"??? We don't know how he treats her so wtf you going on about!! He has told her he doesn't want to remarry, she repeatedly brings it up and tries to push him to do something he doesn't want to do, I'd be annoyed about it too! Fucking hell.

OP you might want to reconsider this relationship, if he won't marry you there is nothing you could do that would change his mind. Also if you are living with him and his son and if you are providing any form of childcare, I'd advise you to stop doing so right away as he would mean he is using you to fulfill some of his son's needs.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

I think this is at the crux of it OP.

It's sad for you, but the reality is that his son HAS to be his priority. He was left as single Dad to a young child who lost his Mum and his sense of responsibility is going to be acute.

It isn't his fault or responsibility that you don't earn much. I think he is showing his care and love for you by supporting you in his house and paying for everything, and maybe you could use that 'break' to build your own savings? To give you some security?

If you married and 'something happened' he could potentially end up giving you half his assets which he intends for his son, and which may have come partly from his late wife.

It happens.

I wouldn't marry in his shoes, either.

But it wouldn't mean I wasn't in love, just that circumstances don't work.

He’s never hinted at or promised marriage. When Op has pushed he’s said clearly he won’t marry again.
Op says he pays for everything which is extremely generous financially.
He’s obviously treating her well relationship wise as Op wants to marry him.
Even if she’s on min wage she’s bringing in around £1500 a month. She’s only lived there 6 months presumably before that paid her own bills and housing (unless very young and just left parents)

Inheritance isn't the issue.

Divorce is.

Is he concerned about your future if he dies first at all? Would you continue to live with his son? Or has he made other plans e.g. his sibling would take on his son? A compromise e.g. might be that you are allowed to live with and take care of his son until he's 18 in exchange for him insuring a tax free income for you to cover living expenses while you stay on to look after him and the house? If the insurance is taken on as a joint plan it could mean that if you died first he also would have the same tax free income until his son was 18 which would effectively either pay for help in the house or be a nest egg for his son e.g. to help with uni costs. He would not be risking his son's inheritance, indeed either way he would be enhancing his son's position.

But people in this situation usually leave their assets to their children, not to the new partner. Marrying him wouldn’t suddenly give her half of everything.

@egghampton

"if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing"

Your last line destroys any empathy tbh, can't you see that? He'd built a life and accumulated assets over his marriage and he has a motherless son to take care of.

What do you bring to the table? Financially, but more importantly, emotionally?

Why won't he marry you? He's cautious, maybe he's promised his son that he won't replace his Mum, he was only 8 years old when she died after all?

Your decision as to whether no proposal, at all. is a deal breaker.

The ball is firmly in your court OP.

Although it doesnt sound like you contribute much in terms of finances and yet are asking the question... What would I get? That may be of concern to him as much as it is to you on whether getting married is a good idea or not.

i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Then sort yourself out: switch careers to something with better prospects, retrain, get some professional qualifications, work harder. And invest the income you have wisely so that you will have something to fall back on if he dies before you. It's the 21st century, ffs, the days when women could marry and have a meal ticket for life are long gone.

Would you be prepared to sign a pre-nup so that everything went to his son if your BF pre-deceased you? If the answer's no, then, it's clear that your desire for marriage is more about money than love.

What about his son? He’s recognising that marriage could leave his son completely unprotected.

she’s an adult woman. She can protect herself. She does not need “protection” from this man.

why is he expected to protect herself anyway? Why is there no expectation for her to protect him? He’s protecting himself and his son, he doesn’t need another adult dependent.

she earns less, she has no children or dependents. She can use the rent money saved to build up her own assets to protect herself should they split.

if they do split now she’s worse off because she will have to find somewhere to live and support herself.

But he made and earned his money and his house. Why would you get any of it? It’s for his son.

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to marry. He wants to safeguard his wealth. And why shouldn’t he?

With all the money you’re saving not paying rent, you should be saving up.

How he treats her?
Sorry, but am I missing something?
She lives with him, he pays for everything, and she has basically admitted to marrying him for money and security!
I reckon he is doing the right thing (not even mentioning his past trauma or the fact he has a child to focus on) and let’s face it, were the OP a man, we’d be saying a very different thing!

Your post is harsh to be honest!

I think it’s reasonable after that length of time in a relationship with someone and now living with them to want some degree of security!

Well of course youde get nothing and rightly so its not your house it will go to his son, get a full time job and buy your own property, he knows your after his and his wifes house, its not yours

I hate to say this but for him you are not THE ONE. I would get out before he finds that person. At least you will feel a sense of agency instead of passively waiting for him to change his mind.

It could if they divorce in 10 or 15 years time.

I am quite surprised by how little empathy there is for OP in this thread.

It’s the fact OP arrived with nothing, is now living for free and paying for nothing, yet expects to get some money when he realised and dumps her. Hope that helps xxxx

You need to listen to what he said and decide if it’s a deal breaker or not. If it’s a deal breaker then you need to accept his decision and break up. He’s telling you that he won’t change his mind so don’t stay on the off chance that he will.

In this case, nobody is unreasonable. You are reasonable to want to marry and he is reasonable not to marry. It’s not unusual for a divorced or widowed person to decide not to marry again. More common if they have a child and don’t want to create inheritance issues. (His current assets may be a result of life insurance that he’d want to pass onto his son)

Where’s his and his son’s security from living with her?

why is it one way? She is reasonable to expect security from him, isn’t he reasonable to expect security from her?

if he marries her he loses his and his son’s security and risks her taking his sons support and inheritance.

maybe if she contributed and could offer something to improve his security…

She’s been living rent free and not even contributing for all of that time, in her own words- he pays for EVERYTHING.

She could have built her own financial security with all the money she should have been saving.