Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I think you can be as much involved in your grandkids life as you want to be really.

Just set boundaries around providing childcare & stick to it.

Not alone at all! My son is only 22 and not thinking about kids at all but I want to be travelling around in my campervan in a few years, not minding kids!

No you're not alone OP. I sincerely hope my DC don't have kids, because I don't want to be looking after them. I find the older I get, the less tolerant I am too. Fortunately neither of my DDs seem keen on bringing children into todays awful world.

You don’t get a choice

There are plenty of grandparents who provide little to no grandchild care because they would rather do their own thing.

Did your parents help look after your DC?

I don’t think that’s massively standard though.
my children only have one remaining grandparent - she doesn’t support us financially, didn’t give up work to look after them, and we always followed her lead regarding her providing childcare.
no is a full sentence.
you don’t HAVE to be be overly involved.

You can be a grandparent and do as little or as much as you want. There's no obligation to provide childcare or anything else.

You can be a grandparent without having to do any "duties".

I think as others have said, you can be involved or not involved as you see fit.
None of my son’s grandparents ever did childcare. One set occasionally babysat, and we saw that set about once a week when he was younger. The other set we would see 2-3 times a year.
We’ve not fallen out, people are just busy and have their own lives.

I think there is pressure on grandparents to help out but it is not required. You can put in strong boundaries. With having clear boundaries you may find you actually enjoy them. My MIL once said very firmly she was never going to be a traditional grandmother and not to expect a care commitment from her. Very similar sentiment to you. However, she found she loved it and is devoted and found a happy medium between freedom and family. She has a holiday home in italy she goes to for large portions of the year and travels alot. But also very sweetly set up a proper playroom in her house and really engages with them and enjoys them when we visit. She's never babysat them or had them alone but will let us sit while she plays with them in her house. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Your choice what you do / don’t do.

Why even think about something that may or may not happen and isn't your decision, anyway?

If and when grandchildren do come along and you still feel that you are unable to help your children out then don't.

You can be like my parents and offer no help at all (until the favourite child had grandchildren and suddenly become the worlds most involved grandparents) - seriously though, it’s one thing having grandchildren and another thing upending your life to care for them just don’t do it if you don’t want to.

You don’t have to do any of that though? I mean, my mom is in her 40s - so still very young fit, active etc and doesn’t work yet she’s still never babysits my 5 year old son. She made it quite clear when I fell pregnant that she wouldn’t want to babysit, so she simply doesn’t.

Well it's not your decision for starters.

But you don't have to be involved if you don't want to. Sounds like you're overthinking it.

I feel the same way.
Also, no family member ever provided any form of help/childcare for my DC - and I never felt resentful about it, so I'm always surprised by the amount of people on here who are outraged that other people don't want to looks after their kids.

I have four adult children who I absolutely love to bits but I have never been interested in having grandchildren. I can’t really articulate why, it’s nothing to do with being worried I’d have to help out or anything like that, I’m just not interested. I like children - I work in a school and I love the kids.

ive never mentioned this to my children but it seems like I am unlikely to get any grandchildren anyway. My oldest daughter is gay and married to a lovely American girl, they are adamant they don’t want children. My younger daughter is engaged but doesn’t want to “bring children into this world”, my older boy has just had a vasectomy (he’s 33) and my younger boy and his girlfriend are both “not bothered about having children”.

I’m surprised it’s even a question. You’re entitled to set whatever boundaries you want in your life. My children had no grandparents at all, and I never ever hired a babysitter. I’m a very hands on grandmother but I’m the only grandparent they have. They’re fine either way.

I think your friends are probably pretty unusual. I don’t see that amongst my social circle at all, but perhaps because none of us had children young or stayed where we grew up.

Neither set of grandmothers (in our case, our dad are long dead) have ever done any regular childcare. I mean they’ve maybe stayed overnight at ours with them for one night about 4 times ever between them in 12 years. Never did any childcare while we worked. MIL came once to look after my youngest (at the age of 6) so I could go to the hospital to have stitches removed because Dh was abroad.

They have travelled and see some friends and don’t really bother with us much. 😂 In both cases actually, the real ball and chain that has held them back has been partners who either are too miserable to do much, very anti-social (or have alienated them from friends), or who became ill mid 60s and now they are carers just as they are hitting their best years when they could have been off on cruises or whatever else. If not for their partners, both would be living a much happier and more exciting life. So maybe the real lesson is choose someone to grow old with wisely.

YABU to think that being a grandparent automatically confers you any responsibility for them.

My kids have been looked after by grandparents a handful of times in the decade I've had them. No regular childcare at all, and I wouldn't expect it.

You get to decide what kind of grandparent you are, unless there’s some unforeseen circumstances where you have to take a more active role, you can be more hands off and still have a good relationship.

My own grandmothers were very different, one was the ‘cool’ one that went travelling most of the year, always had amazing surprises for me from her travels and I stayed over or travelled with her once or twice a year. The other baked cookies and taught me to sew and knit, I was there all the time and even ended up living there at one point. I loved them both for their differences.

My parents were too elderly (late 70s) and lived abroad much of the year to do any more than the odd evening babysitting. My in laws had no interest at all.
I see some GPs who are happy to do quite a bit of childcare and some who do none.
I think it’s a big leap to think ‘it’s my time now’ and ‘I don’t want grandchildren’ - just make it clear when any of your kids get to that point that you are not prepared to provide childcare.
There of course should be a happy medium. Being with grandchildren enough (and that includes on their own on occasion) to form a lively bond but not so much that it restricts you and you feel it a burden. We used to visit my parents abroad every year and that was a very precious time for all of us.

YNBU, I don't think it should be expected to help out e except as the odd one off.....however that also depends on whether you had help yourself. If you did, whilst again it shouldn't be expected it does make you a hypocrite.

I don't want to be a grandparent for awhile. My eldest is 20 and youngest is 12 and I can see it that as soon as I get more time alone as my youngest has more independance, my eldest will likely be having kids. I'm planning on going to four days a week when it does happen and I know il adore them when they are here but do hope she waits till her 30s.

You do not have to be like your friends when it comes to Grandchildren. My mother's parents were very clear with my mother and her sibling when it came to their Grandchild. They were told that they would not be providing regular childcare nor adjust their lifestyles for their Grandchildren and they stuck to it. They were very very loving Grandparents to us but they had raised their own kids and wanted to do what they wanted.