Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I wasn't a Gran until I was almost 70. I had my DCs in my early-mid 30s and my first and only (so far) grandchild has come along recently.

They live too far away to be a hands-on Gran and I regret that very much.
I'd like to be more involved.

My sadness is that I will probably not be around to see my Grandchild(ren) marry, have kids and be settled as adults.

What you feel @Reallyneedsaholiday is your choice.

I love this!
We don't get any help because both my in-laws and my own parents live abroad (in different countries from each other) and we both work full time - it is fucking hard! If one day my kids have children, I'd love to help them as much as I can and as much as they need. I do not want them to have to struggle as much as us (it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is).

Thank goodness for this thread. @Reallyneedsaholiday I feel exactly the same. I have 2 adult DC - late 20s/almost 30 - both left home almost a decade ago, and DH and I see them every couple of weeks. They are both high flying professionals with university degrees and successful careers, and are both in relationships, and they have very busy social lives, and neither one of them wants children. And I couldn't care less.

Like you, I 'cared' for some 27-28 years (when you include children and elderly, infirm family members,) and I have been free of caring for about 5-6 years. I love it. I love the freedom of not having to think about others, and spending my time nursing and caring for people. (And I am touching 60 and need to take care of myself, and my own health! And yes, put my own needs first.)

I don't care if they never have children. Oddly though, my DH (my DCs dad,) says he is a bit disappointed, as he was looking forward to grandchildren. He's not devastated, but feels an inner sadness. I said, they're not even 30 yet, they may have a child eventually, but truthfully I can't see it.

I know you can be a carer for your grandchildren as much - or as little - as you like, but I know my 2 will be mithering me to babysit/childmind, because of their busy lives and the cost of childcare. Even though they are fairly high earners, the cost of childcare is horrific, and they will prefer not to pay it. I don't want to say 'no' but I will have to, because apart from the odd afternoon here and there, I don't want to be looking after babies/small children. Literally CBA. I've got my own life. And it will be me, not their dad doing it. It's never the men!

I know a number of 55-75 year old women - as I said always the women 🙄 - who are knackered, worn out, weary, and perma shattered because of being full time childminders/nannies for their small/infant grandchildren. LOL, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I mean, of course when they come along I will love them. But I am still not going to be a full time childminder for them, or a 1-3 times a week babysitter. Nope!

I think it’s so sad that you would make that decision after raising your own children. You don’t have to be regular childcare but surely you want to be a part of their life? Your own flesh and blood? I loved the relationships I had with my grandparents and I’m sad that my DC don’t have the same relationship with one set of grandparents. I find them inherently selfish and if they don’t want a relationship with my DC then I don’t want a relationship with them. They can die lonely 👋🏻

No way! Some people seem to make it their life’s work though, & give up their weekends, & retirement … to care for the grandkids. Actually I’ve known some grandkids who spend more time with their grandparents than parents.

But on the other hand l suspect that some bring up their own kids, marriage is stale, & they need those kids in their life to claim that they have one. I come off FB years ago as I got sick of all the grandkid posts 🥱.

I haven't discouraged my son from having children. He is now 50 and a schizophrenic (whom I care for full time) so it's highly unlikely to happen. My parents were ambivalent about me having children. I only had the one. It was different back in the 70's when I had my son. Grandparents weren't, generally anyway, so involved in their children's or grandchildren's lives. Very few grandparents would've had to do childcare, it just wasn't a thing. They might babysit now and then if you were lucky so you could go to your husband's works do or something like that. But that was about it. Otherwise the grandkids would see the grandparents around once a month when you visited them for Sunday tea. It was a very different time and not really possible to compare. If I did have a grandchild I would of course love him/her but no, I would not relish doing school runs and childcare at my age and after a rather diffcult life. Sorry if that seems to shock and offend you.

You are under no obligation to do any childcare whatsoever. You are also under no obligation to spend any time with grandchildren. Just bear in mind that if you don’t spend time with them, not only will you not have much of a relationship with them, you won’t have much of a relationship with your own children either as their lives will be consumed by parenting for many years.

There is also the point that a mutually supportive family can work both ways. My parents and MIL have done lots of childcare over the years. They are getting older now and starting to need a bit of help with things, which myself and DH are fully expecting to take on more as they become less able. Just be aware that if you have minimal involvement now, you might find yourself wanting more of a relationship as you get into your senior years just as your children are getting to the stage of not wanting any ties if their kids have flown the nest.

You don't get to choose if your kids have children or not, but you do get to choose how involved you are and if you want to help look after them or not. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Personally, I consider it my life's work to care for my young children right now, and I will again if I ever have grandchildren. Call me boring, I truly don't care 🤣🤣
One thing though, I don't have FB or insta, so won't be posting about any of that.

I'm completely with you. If my DD has children (she's only 14 so hopefully not any time soon) I will be excited and will enjoy spending time with them, but I have no desire whatsoever to be an unpaid nanny/housekeeper. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

My parents were relatively old parents so by the time my DD was born they were too old to do much practical childcare and lived in a different city but there's no way I would have expected them to be on hand to babysit for me all the time. They would look after her periodically when we stayed with them when DD was a toddler/primary age for a couple of hours but that was it.

I've given up a lot of my life looking after kids already: have no desire to do it in my old age.

Honestly- I read the OP and simply thought 'It's not all about you'.

I truly don't think any other response is required. It;s just feeding into the Main Character Energy of the OP.

When you sign up to have children, you sign up to the strong possibility of having grandchildren

Why would it shock or offend me? It’s not that interesting. I was just pointing out that your parents may well have prayed you didn’t have children, but sadly didn’t get their way.

But that's the point, surely?

She wants to make her life around her. She's paid her dues. And why shouldn't she?

No one is obligated to spend their whole life servicing other people.

Do what you want. But my mother did the same and never sees her grandkids. They barely know her and certainly dont love her.She sees them twice a year and she’s let me down a lot.

We don't have children but my step-sister and her husband do - and she made it quite clear that she expected babysitting on tap as they 'had no other responsibilities'. Her own mother was unavailable as she had moved to another country (the general consensus being that she had moved to avoid her dreadful, grabby daughter).

Unsurprisingly, my parents retreated at speed.

My Dad was 70 and my Mum late 60's when my son was born. They made it very clear to me from the start that minding my son whilst I went back to work, was off the table. They didn't mind babysitting him if we went out for the night or during the day occasionally. However, more than that, they didn't want to know. My parents adore my son, and they are amazing grandparents to him (he's 14). After he was born and I'd had a C-section (emergency), they came over twice a week to help me, and continued to do so for years. Essentially, you need to set out expectations and boundaries from the start, so there's no misunderstanding.

So don't be a hands on GP. She's angsting online expecting what? Validation? Talking about her needs and wants when at the end of the day her children might decide to have children without reference to her opinion.

If her children decide to have children it's up to them. It's up to her if she wishes to be involved or not.

Just be like my DM and DMIL. Show no interest. They'll get the picture 😂 but then don't expect care in your older years either- that's fair.

Surely we are each the main character in our own lives. What else could we be?

No you don’t get a choice if you become a grandparent or not but you do get a choice in how much of your time you use for minding them.

I have 5 children and I never ask my mum to look after them for me. Unless in an emergency. I would rather pay childminders/nursery. My mums done her bit and I wouldn’t use her as free childcare. I also never rely on my mum for money.

As a result my mum absolutely loves the time she spends with them as it’s not expected and it’s on her terms. She will quite often ask to take them out. I think if you see them when you want you will love being a grandparent.

I think if you’re so selfish you don’t nurture any relationships in your life then you will end up lonely. That doesn’t mean to say you have to look after other people. But surely spending time with others (friends and family) is the whole point of life?!

My son is 17 and I can't wait to be a grandparent. I love him, and I'd love to be part of his life in whatever form he feels comfortable with, for as long as he wants me to be. I don't expect him to have children, I don't expect him to ask me to help out with childcare, I don't expect him to stay close enough to me that I could be part of their lives still... He has to make his own life. But if he and his partner wanted me to be part of it, I would be in like a shot.

I own a small business, my job is insanely stressful, my in-laws are getting infirm and needing more of mine and my husband's time - I do feel sandwichy... But there will always be room, time and capacity to support him. I can't imagine not.

I am a grandma and adore my grandchildren and step in to help wherever I can . Today I have unexpectedly got my baby grandson because his older sister very unwell today with high temperature.My daughter and SIL are always very appreciative which certainly makes a big difference from my POV .
Absolutely no problem if I cannot help which makes our set up work.

I don’t think it’s a simple choice. If you choose not to do childcare but the other set of grandparents are all in, you seem like the arseholes by default. That’s the consequence.

I think about this quite a bit. I’ve notice people feel nice feelings towards older women in the family if they are homely, doting, cook good meals for everyone and get stuck in with childcare. If they aren’t that, they’re seen as a bit cold.