Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I have voted YABU just because it's entirely within your gift how involved (or not) you are with your GC.

If you don't want to provide childcare - don't.
If you want to go travelling - go.

You just need to be clear with your DC so they can plan accordingly

What do you mean, 'you don't get a choice'?

OP, YANBU at all. My only caveat is that I hope that you don't then expect your children to drop their lives to run around after you when you become infirm, because that isn't fair either.

you cannot force nor stop your DC from having their own DC

If people genuinely think that grandparents, simply by virtue of having grandchildren, are obliged to devote years to offering free childcare and/or other financial help, I think that's an incredibly damaging and oppressive stereotype.

To me, for example, it's very much the exception, rather than the rule. We had our child in a different country to where our parents lived, as had most of our friends, so 'grandparenting' was very much a matter of arranging regular Skype calls and occasional visits. All childcare was always paid childcare. I'm frequently taken aback by the tone of entitlement on here where people moan about their parents not doing enough, or complaining that it's 'so hard not having local family' (which seems to be code for 'free childcare').

I think the idea that free grandparental childcare on tap is normal is actually pretty coercive.

@ExercicenformedeZ unless you are playing Johnny Sniper you can't control whether your children procreate or not

I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I think most grandparents don't realise it's going to be harder than they thought.
Depends how much you're 'expected' to do. Seems a lot nowadays.

I can't ever imagine not wanting to be involved with my baby's babies.
I've always managed to maintain my interests, career and separate friends, as well as being a parent, so don't feel a strong urge for "my time". That said, noone's going to take the piss out of me, either.

No, of course that goes without saying! I didn't mean that the OP could literally prevent herself from becoming a grandparent. I just meant that she has no obligation to drop her own life in order to provide childcare.

@Reallyneedsaholiday thats a choice your friends have made. My grandparents nor my parents for their grandchildren have offered financial support or child care beyond the odd sleepover. Same goes for my in laws.

Prior to having grandchildren my parents made it clear to my siblings they wouldn’t commit to regular childcare, much like you they didn’t want the responsibility or tie. That was their prerogative and has never caused any issues. Admittedly they don’t live close enough to do regular school pick ups but even if they did the situation would be the same.

It’s perfectly possible to have a close bond with grandchildren without the regular babysitting or financial support. All the things you’ve listed are choices, not requirements.

I can't relate, as personally I can't wait for grandkids. It looks like all the nice bits of parenting to me.

But I do think the way you feel is fair enough, just don't tell your kids.

My MIL told me while we were TTC (she didn't know we were TTC but still) that she "didn't want any more grandchildren". She had three from her DD but none from us yet, plus two other kids yet to have any.
It was hurtful since we hadn't even conceived yet so we certainly hadn't put any responsibility on her! and it made what should have been a happy announcement rather awkward.

No that's fine. I was just answering your question - you asked "What do you mean, 'you don't get a choice'?" so I was just letting you know what they meant

My kids have only just left home so I’m certainly not ready for gc yet. I’m assuming I’ll change my mind when I’ve had a few years of freedom. But I’m definitely not going to do regular childcare. I’ll do emergency and to give them a break occasionally but I don’t want to be tied down with a regular commitment.

OP, None of those things is obligatory. My dm had six children and had the sense to say she wasn't going to help with any grandchildren. She'd done enough.

No money, no baby sitting. She knitted the occasional sweater and that was it.

Depends how much help she got from her own parents with her own DC.

There's no obligation of course, not ever. But I do think it's a bit unfair if your parents helped you out to not expect to be the same sort of grandparent when it's your turn.

Why are you thinking about something that might not happen and is out of your hands anyway.

Your children can have children, but you don't have to be a grandparent.

I've made it plain to my kids that I will be a 'doting granny' but I'm not going to compromise my hard-won independence by promptly shackling myself to another generation, whose procreation I had no choice in.

I'll love them and visit them but I'm not giving all my free time (I'll be working through retirement) to caring for them.

You don’t get a choice but you do get a choice in how involved you are. Set your boundaries from early on and stick to them.

I barely knew my Grandma on my Dads side as she made it clear she wasn’t interested and that was fine by us all. She was nice enough but was really just my Dad’s Mum. I never felt either way about her nor had much relationship with her.

My Grandma on my Mums side is my best friend.

Why do you think so many grandparents move abroad.

You're not being unreasonable not to want them particularly, but as pp have said, you wouldn't have to do "duties" if you didn't want to. My mother has been abundantly clear about the fact that she doesn't want grandchildren, even though we live 300 miles away from her and she wouldn't be expected to do anything. It's therefore a bit hurtful to me that she's said that when we've had fertility struggles, but hey, luckily for her it doesn't look like we're going to manage to have children.

I have not seen this, I notice more that grandparents are already taking a huge step back.

Of course, there are some very involved grandparents, but they aren't usual in my circle sadly.

I think its sad because they do have less of a bond with their grandchildren than previous generations.

I expect the millennial generation will step up once its our turn to be grandparents as we understand what its like to not have any childcare support.

I’m a working parent. I still spend a lot of time looking after my child.

Possibly. I don't know if I agree with that or not, as people's circumstances can change. I get what you're saying, though. What I do 100% think is that grandparents who don't help at all with grandkids cannot expect any help as elders, either practical or financial.

It's not your choice or decision as to whether your offspring have children. It is your choice how much you interact or how involved in their lives they become. You don't have to do any of the things you think would be such a burden. Crack on with your own life.

I only had one living grandparent and she showed no interest in me at all. (Probably because I was a girl and she did like the boys.) But anyway it made no difference to me.

I however and a very hands on and involved Granny and can't imagine not having anything to do with Grandsons.

I think probably each to their own, but I have had a very similar experience to you.

We had kids late so the grandparents were past working age so maybe that made it easier, but my mum had my kids once a week plus did babysitting and MIL had them once a week too (also did the occasional babysitting), although less sleepovers as they got older. If MIL was away on a break, then obviously I just had to cover that day and there were times she had to cancel which was obviously fine.

We are a very close family, though, and pop around to both sets at least once a week, sometimes more often and see each other for all birthdays and Christmas etc.

I'd like to think I'll offer the same but would make it clear that it would probably only be once per week (plus babysitting) and not to be tied down if I suddenly wanted to go on a 2-3 week holiday somewhere.