Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

YANBU to notice that there are lots of grandparents doing a lot work caring for their grandchildren and often going unappreciated. However it's perfectly possible to say no when asked and there are plenty of grandparents who don't provide any kind of care so YABU to use it as a reason why you wouldn't want your children to have children.

I think your friends need to set better boundaries. You can do as little or as much as you want, but it’s down to you to set those boundaries if you feel like your children would try and push you.
In my friendship group I don’t think any of us would expect parents to struggle financially to support us raising kids. Yes, we have GP’s on both sides who are willing to pitch in and help with our LO’s but we’ve never asked and the help is always offered. I think it very much depends on your families dynamic pre grandchildren, if your kids are very dependant on you and not self sufficient then you can expect the requests to be flooding in.

I think as a grandparent you get to decide how much you want to be involved in the actual raising of the grandkids firm boundaries and managing expectations is paramount. All too often parents just assume the grandparents want to be totally involved and can't understand that you have your own life and commitments. My mother has unwittingly been sucked into a situation where she is minding grandkids whilst also working and my father is ill. She's fast getting burnt out and I can't see her being able to carry on much longer.

I’m not outraged if other people don’t want to look after my kids - but I find it really strange when people have no interest in it, purely because that was never my experience.
my mum absolutely loved having her grandchildren, it was absolutely the norm to give her a ring and ask if she’d mind if I dropped them off for half an hour so I could go to an appointment, or she’d offer to have them on my working days. She was very much a ‘more the merrier’ kind of nanny.
i wouldn’t ask the same of their other nan, but if she’d never offered the odd overnight or day time during the school holidays I’d think it strange.
it’s just the kind of relationships people are used to.

You can be as uninvolved as you like, but it's not always possible to be as involved as you'd like!

I’m not with you on this. My friends who are grandparents tell me there’s no love like it.. it’s a massive addition to your life and as long as I’m able to travel and enjoy life with my dh too, I’ll want to be as involved as they’ll let me. My kids benefited massively from my parents’ involvement in their lives.

You don't get a choice in whether your children have their own children, or not, but you certainly do get a choice in how involved / invested you want to be if they do have them.

I am a grandparent and don't really do any of those things. I love my grandchildren to bits but I work full time and babysit about 4 times a year. I but birthday and Christmas presents but don't help out financially. Why do you assume that being a grandparent means doing do much?

You have a choice how much you get involved. It’s quite common for grandparents to not get involved with their grandchildren.

I've got 2 children. Most of my close friends do too. One has her parents and in-laws stay from Thursday to Sunday each week, alternating weeks, to look after her children. Another's mum has her kids on a Thursday for her while she works. Another is an air hostess whose mum and brother do a lot of overnights/nursery pick ups for her, because of her schedule, but they both seem very happy too... another sees her parents every 6 weeks or so.

I don't have parents, and my in-laws have met our son a handful of times and our daughter once—their decision. They made it clear when we told them that I was pregnant that they wouldn't do childcare, but they felt they wanted to be heavily involved. They must have changed their mind at some point.

Be clear about what you can and can't offer, so that they don't make plans around you helping or anything; but there's nothing to force you to have any more involvement than you want.

You don't have to be involved to the extent your friends are if you don't want to.

Hmm these type of threads are popular just now aren’t they? Unfortunately OP you don’t get to choose whether or not you become a Grandparent but you do get to choose how involved you are which I would have thought would be pretty obvious tbh.

You don't really get a choice in whether you become a grandparent or not, but you do get to choose how involved you are. Nobody will force you to be involved if you don't want to be. I have young kids at the moment so this is way off for us, if it ever happened at all, but being someone who has grandparents down the road, who aren't half as involved as I thought they might be, I will try and remember what hard work it was if I ever do become a grandparent, as I wouldn't want my kids to feel the way I do sometimes, I'd like to support as much as possible as I know how it feels to have no support most of the time. I wouldn't want them to go through the same thing. I'd never say this to my own parents though, as it's their life and their choice isn't it.

Neither of our parents do any of this except for the odd (think once a quarter) couple of hours of babysitting from one side. Why would you have to give up work or pay for grandchildren??

If and when you do become a grandparent just set really clear boundaries about what you will and won't do. Be honest and say what you've said here. Nothing wrong with wanting some life back. Raising children is hard work.

I'm just getting to the end of day to day responsibility and I can't say I'd want to hear the patter of tiny feet.
My mum was desperate to be a GP but she was a pretty mean mum so it was more of a do over. A chance to be shortterm perfect and rewrite the past. She turned out to be geographically distant and as the kids grew, was suffocating and just caused my kids anxiety. We reduced contact to a polite level.
On the other side MIL made a fuss about being to cool to GP, made up a toe curling nick name. She was a bit too 'knows best' and put my kids in danger and minimised it. She ended up having much more contact with her daughters kids. Like she did with her own kids, she plays favourites and it's obvious and off putting to my kids, so we're in polite contact rather than close.
I don't know what kind of GP I'd be. I took parenting pretty seriously, thank you Mumsnet for helping. I need a break to put me first I think.

Goodness, I really don’t think it’s necessary to make any of those sacrifices if your children decide to become parents. It should be a blessing that you are having a new family member (if and when the time comes) not a burden. It seems like you think your own children would expect a huge amount of you and that’s something maybe you need to manage better by discussing it with them? I will say, I’m the only one of my friends who isn’t having either childcare provided or paid for by GPs. We’re all in our 20s with jobs, mortgages etc but me and DH are the only ones who are fully self-sufficient financially. Yes, nursery fees ARE expensive, but it’s a choice to become a parent and it shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense that you have a baby. I do think there is some truth in what your friends say but you don’t have to the same. My parents and IL’s have managed it and still have a lovely relationship with my child.

Were you a stay at home parent op?
I think if you’ve spent a lot of time caring for your kids this is understandable

I’ve got 2 DD’s & none of the grandparents provide childcare or financial assistance. YANBU, I think there is too much expectation on grandparents in the scenarios you are describing tbh!

I want my children to make the right decision for them. I can’t imagine wishing my lineage come to a grinding halt because I don’t want to watch some kids for a couple of hours a week for a few short years. A grandchild’s existence is surely of more value than your Wednesday afternoon.

My children never asked or expected me to carers for their children, and I never offered. I did have them overnight for a couple of days holiday - but at my instigation. There's absolutely no need to turn yourself into a unpaid nanny unless you want to.
I've been surprised by how much pleasure my GCs have brought me. Keep an open mind.

Not about having grandchildren, but you DO have a choice about how involved you want to be.

You don't have to provide free childcare. You can see them as much or as little as you'd like. Just be aware that if you don't see them often, they could be closer to their other grandparents, which I know some people find quite hurtful.

But ultimately this is your relationship to navigate, if and when it happens.

If your children choose to have children, the childcare arrangements are 100% up to them. They will have to hire childminders or use nurseries. They shouldn't (and probably wouldn't!) have kids with the expectation of you providing childcare.

Equally, you may find that by the time they're here (if ever!) you want to do it! And that's fine too :).

Don't worry about future decisions, because it's future you who needs to deal with it, and future you will be different to current you!

You can say no. My family will watch my kids in an emergency but they have never been childcare and I wouldn't expect them to as their my kids and im more then capable of raising them. My parents have also never helped me financially again I would never expect them to as im an adult.

I don't understand. You don't have any grandchildren, nor are you likely to ever have any, you yourself don't like grandchildren, so what's the dilemma?

You don't have a choice if you have grandchildren or not but you do have a choice in how involved you are.