Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

YABU for feeling like you’d need to go massively out of your way to help. I don’t know any grandparent who struggles themselves financially to help out or who would change their own working hours to accommodate grandchildren! Some grandparent provide childcare but many do not — you don’t need to if you don’t want to. My own child’s grandparents provide very occasional babysitting a few times a year (eg if we need to attend a wedding or special child free type events) but there’s no pressure on them to do so.

My grandparents lived over two hours away and we saw them a few times a year.

My Mum also lives quite far away. She probably babysits once a month on average? Certainly doesn't substitute for nursery or anything and is often travelling or at hobbies. Very much has her own life.

As pp have said, your friends aren't demonstrating the only way to be a grandparent. You can be as involved as you wish.

I get that seeing what your frriends are doing has put you off a bit, OP, but there's no obligation to make a martyr of yourself unless you really want to

The only thing I'd add is that it might be best to be clear with tthe DCs about what you are/are not prepared to do before grandkids start arriving, so they can make their own plans accordingly

Currently I feel the same, not finished raising my youngest and am now like a parent to my parents.

I may feel differently if a grandchild comes along in the next ten years but I'm at caring capacity right now and would like a break for a year or two.

My mother was a very involved grandmother so my children think I need to pay that forward and I might but I am giving back to my own mother right now which is the part they don't consider important when we've discussed the minding of their hypothetical children.

Its highly unlikely I will have grandchildren and have never wanted them particularly. Dh has 3...we are late 60s, live nearby but dont do childcare. We take the older ones out occasionally but didn't do that till they were 4. Dh helps them in other ways .
We retire at the end of the year but still won't be doing childcare.

I understand your sentiment, but a strange way to express it. Not your choice if they happen, just make it clear that you don't want to childmind, or at least not regularly.

Expectations and boundaries.

I have an almost 3 year old who goes to nursery full time. One set of grandparents have had her overnight 3 or 4 times, the other set have never had her overnight.
I'd never ask for that.

They've both helped a few times for emergency childcare for a couple of hours and I know they would do so much more if I asked them.
But I wouldn't, I accept that I've had a child and I pay for her to go to nursery so that I can work and earn money to pay for her to go to nursery 🤣

My parents/in laws have raised 10 children between them, I don't expect them to also raise mine.
They love being grandparents and see my child most weekends.

If you set out your boundaries now before there are any grandchildren on the horizon, they'll be no awkward conversations later on down the line and you can live your life the way you wish to.

Being a grandparents doesn't mean you have to do all that.

My parents are extremely involved in my children's lives (even though they live 2.5 hours away) but it is entirely on their page. I don't expect anything from them. They still travel the world (their retirement plan all along). This year they have 3 long trips planned. They see my children when they are back. If we need childcare for events or such like, we ask them first but ultimately they are free to say sorry no (and have done for an event planned next year). They dictate how much time they want me children and when. They like to have both children one week a year and my eldest another week. With odd days to make up a week with my youngest. My dad funds a long weekend away each year because he can afford to not because he feels he needs to - next year we are probably going to fund that not them. They buy my children gift but only within the means they can. I would never expect anything more than that and I work around them not them around us.

I was very keen for them not to be grandparents how you describe and we talk about it from when my eldest was young. We both new the expectation each other had and are on the same page.

Do you not want grandchildren at all? Or just not want to look after them?

I voted YABU because it is completely up to you how involved you are with helping them out. You don't come across as someone who would have a problem saying no so don't let them be a tie

Well we are all different, I love being a grandmother and I love looking after them, had one of the littlies at the start of the week and two of the middle ones coming to stay for the weekend. I rarely have a week without seeing any of them but I have got eight so more than most I suppose.

The big thing is you don't have to do grandparenting like I do, you do it your way. Never do childcare, never see them or see them on high days and holidays or whatever you like as long as parents agree.

One thing you can't control is if your kids decide to have kids, that's their choice.

This…but you do get a choice in how much involvement you have with your family

Just because your kids decide to have kids doesn't mean you have to provide childcare. Just because sure to set that boundary at the start so they know not to expect it of you. Grandparents shouldn't be viewed as free childcare.

You don't have to be super involved. My mums is a grandparent to 3, she works, just completed a university degree, goes on holiday a few times a year and sees her friends regularly. She has mine (babysitting) maybe twice a year, we live far away and either we go to her or she comes to ours for a couple of days every 6-8 weeks, but that would happen even if I didn't have children. She has my niece overnight maybe every other month, not often.

She never wanted to be a reliable childcare option (as in set days a week so I could work), it just wasn't an option as she works full time, so there's never been that expectation

Dd has never been looked after by her grandparents, it’s fine! Just be clear before they have any.

The relationship you have with your grandkids is totally up to you. My mum likes to do childcare, she likes them being around her house, will happily take them overnight ect. I don’t give her loads of rules, I know she gives them sweets and treats, I know they get to stay up late and watch TV, but at the end of the day free childcare. I am kind of jealous because she was so strict with us though.

My dad on the other hand is out of the country chilling on his boat most of the time. He will do the odd fun day out with the kids, and always has cool stuff to show them form his and fun stories that sometimes I suspect are exaggerated (I don’t believe he narrowly escaped being eaten by a great white, but my kids go crazy for that one). He very much thinks he’s done his parenting and now it’s time to enjoy his life. I think my kids have been to his house once, for like 30 minutes.

Both have different relationships with my kids, but they’re both special relationships. I never expected either of them to do childcare, but I am really glad my mum does it. If she ever wants to stop I would be fine with that.

Well it’s not something you get to control, if you don’t want to have any involvement in any future grandchildren’s lives then that’s your decision. How you behave will ultimately impact your relationship with your adult children though.

I can’t say your statement about grandparents being “more tied” than when they have young children really makes any sense or is true for the vast majority of grandparents though.

I think you may be focusing on the wrong aspect of being a grandparent. It's about building a meaningful relationship with them, and that isn't solely reduced to childcare duties. You have no obligations (to have a relationship or to do childcare). It'll be helpful to voice your boundaries lovingly and firmly. What I would say though, is that any relationship requires effort put into it, whatever that looks like, so if you put no effort into the relationship with your potential grandkids (not saying that effort has to be childcare), there will be no meaningful relationship, you're not entitled to one.

This is a you problem. You obviously find it hard to prioritise yourself and set boundaries, you let yourself get pushed around, then resent it massively. Leaving everyone else, not to mention yourself, feeling totally confused. So much kinder all round to set clear intentions and boundaries. You can love your children and grandchildren without feeling like a doormat. Your over-reaction is more likely to result in you missing out.

I don’t know anyone who’s made the huge sacrifices you describe and I know a lot of families with young kids! All the grandparents I know who do regular childcare are already retired but still in good health and they also make time for plenty of holifays. The grandparents I know who help out financially can also easily afford to do so.

no need at all to get yourself in a position where you’re giving more than you’re able to.

Just your views clear now, OP, so they don’t do something like move near you for childcare on a false expectation. As long as you’re clear in advance then there won’t be any awkward conversations or misunderstandings further down the line when it actually becomes an issue.

You can determine yourself what kind of grandparent you'll be.

There are martyr grandparents and children who towel advantage of that. But there are also grandparents that have no relationship with grandkids. And then there is everything in between.

I don't think it's that the OP thinks her children would put these demands on her. I've a feeling she's more concerned with the demands she knows she'd put on herself.

I don't think you're alone, OP. I think some grandparents are able to take the position that they won't sacrifice anything for their grandchildren, and there are others for whom the same position is untenable. That doesn't mean some of the latter wouldn't rather they weren't put in that position.

You say you've spent your life caring for others. I can believe it. You just want a rest. That's understandable.

I think all the examples you have given are very extreme. I’m currently expecting my first and my parents absolutely will not be cutting back their work hours to help with childcare, or putting themselves in a position where they struggle financially. They will visit, they will babysit if they like too, but that’s it. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as you describe.
I have a few friends with young children and their parents aren’t stretching themselves in the way you’ve described either.

You may feel very differently if you do end up with grandchildren. I love mine very much and love spending time with them but on the other hand it is nice when they go home.

Grandparents can be as involved, or not involved, as they wish. My children have one set of very involved GPs, and one set they almost never see.

I regularly tell my DC I don't want to be a grandparent (yet) but more as contraceptive advice as they are still older teens!