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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting grandchildren

591 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

OP posts:
WaitedBlankey · 09/07/2025 13:15

You have no say on whether you become a grandparent or not. You have every say over what type of grandparent you choose to be.

For some people, it's a love as powerful and overwhelming as the love for their own babies, and they honestly want to do everything they can to be a valued part of the child's life.

For some people it's birthday cards with money in and a visit once or twice a year.

You get to decide where along that spectrum you fit.

How did you feel about parenting? A joy or a slog? (obviouslty both at times, but it tends to tip in one direction or the other).

Bigfatsunandclouds · 09/07/2025 13:16

My mum has done so much for my DC since they were born, ex MIL not so much. They are both adored by my DC.

If my DC were to have children, I would try and do the same, as the village of support I have had has been wonderful and I wouldn't have been able to work otherwise

You can choose how involved you are as a GP and as I said my ex MIL hasn't given any support for childcare but equally as adored.

mrlistersgelfbride · 09/07/2025 13:16

Sounds like my parents.
Just be honest.

From my late teens my parents, who obviously felt strongly about this, told me ‘you don’t have to have kids’ and ‘if you do we aren’t doing childcare’… almost to the point of being dicks about it, but at least I was under no illusions.
They have 1 grandchild (my DD) who they see for a maximum of 2 hours weekly. Even that’s too much for my dad. No overnights or anything else.

I totally understand your reasons. You don’t need to feel bad about it.
Just don’t say you will look after any grandkids when you really don’t want to, that’s worse.
You may also enjoy the company of any grandchildren more when they are older children rather than babies, so don’t rule it out totally.

ginasevern · 09/07/2025 13:19

You're not alone OP. I'm with you all the way. I'm not retired, I want to keep working, and I'm enjoying my life. I've raised my son (he's nearly 50 now), looked after ill and elderly parents, faced homelessness, watched my DH drop dead in front of me and quite frankly I've had enough. I want to do what I want to do (within reason) and I couldn't face any more complications. No matter how many boundaries you set in life, it's very, very difficult to say "no" to people you love. It's even more difficult, as a woman, not to be branded as the wicked witch of the north.

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 09/07/2025 13:19

My mum felt like that when I was in my 20s. Now I'm late 30s and still don't have kids and she never stops bemoaning the fact! be careful what you wish for OP!

HairsprayBabe · 09/07/2025 13:19

I think you are very very unreasonable and selfish, and so is anyone else who has this perspective.

If you are able to help out with your grandchildren I believe you should. Morally.

Your children don't stop needing your help purely because they are adults. I will gladly help my children when they are adults as long as I am able with childcare, and any other support they need.

But I come from a family that cares about each other, and we all support each other. My grandparents provided childcare for me as a little girl, now I clean for them and do their food shopping, garden work etc. as they are well into their 80s
My parents do childcare for me and I am proud we still have such a close relationship they want to help me into my 30s.
My in laws also help regularly and are happy to.

In fact both sets ask to have the children more than we need! They do two days a week each.

As a side note it's only on MN I have ever encountered people that never ever get regular help from grandparents. All the people I know in real life get plenty of help, from eager and willing grandparents.

I'm also not going to entertain the "what about health/distance/work" arguments, if you can't help for what ever reason this obviously doesn't apply to you. But if you can help and choose not to you aren't very nice. Your children need you for life, not just when you deem it appealing.

Rubybetsie · 09/07/2025 13:20

I was one of those that really didn't want grandchildren..until 2 years ago when my grandson was born..I met him when he was 2 weeks old (I lived 5 hrs drive away)..and fell instantly in love with him. He's the most wonderful little boy and I try to see him every 6/8 weeks, when I go down and stay for a week or so. My daughter and son in law have no family nearby so when I visit I babysit so they can have time to themselves and I get quality time with my grandson. I also help financially with nursery fees as its so expensive. I never thought I would actually love spending time with a toddler but he really has brought great happiness to my life.

Theroadt · 09/07/2025 13:20

I think that’s fine but remember if you are not really involved (I don’t mean regular childcare, but interested, spending time with them etc) then you won’t havd a relationship with them and when you slow down as elderly they may not visit or support your independent living. My MIL has nothing to do with our kids, would only spend time with ghem if I organised it all and was something she was interested in anyway (in terms of outing/activity), and jetsetted off on multiple holidays abroad. That was of course her right, but now my kids are late teens they have no interest in seeing her beyond a couple of quick tea-stops a year as “duty”. It’s really sad, but you reap what you sow.

Ninja2 · 09/07/2025 13:22

SparklyGlitterballs · 09/07/2025 12:20

No you're not alone OP. I sincerely hope my DC don't have kids, because I don't want to be looking after them. I find the older I get, the less tolerant I am too. Fortunately neither of my DDs seem keen on bringing children into todays awful world.

Maybe your parents felt the same way about you having children.

ilovepixie · 09/07/2025 13:22

KoalaBlueOssie · 09/07/2025 12:21

You don’t get a choice

What a stupid remark. Of course she gets a choice whether to look after her grandkids or not! 🤨🤨

Ninja2 · 09/07/2025 13:23

ilovepixie · 09/07/2025 13:22

What a stupid remark. Of course she gets a choice whether to look after her grandkids or not! 🤨🤨

Show quote history

She doesn’t have a choice about whether she becomes a grandparent or not, I assume is what the poster meant.

ilovepixie · 09/07/2025 13:24

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

You can do whatever you like. You might change your mind when or if grandkids arrive. Will you expect your children to look after you in old age?

Hodgemollar · 09/07/2025 13:25

ilovepixie · 09/07/2025 13:22

What a stupid remark. Of course she gets a choice whether to look after her grandkids or not! 🤨🤨

Show quote history

Sure but OP’s main point wasn’t “I don’t want to routinely care for grandchildren” instead it was “I don’t want grandchildren” which she obviously can’t dictate.

Keepyourheartopenandyoureyeswideshut · 09/07/2025 13:26

I feel the exact same way.

I've spent the last 20 years raising my kids and although they are the light of my life I really want some time to myself at some point in my life. For the last 6 years I have also been caring for my mum who suffers from dementia, I am a yes person and find it hard to say no.

DS's girlfriend has gynae issues and may lose her ovaries at some point in the future and is keen to have kids sooner rather than later, she comes from a massive family and they all have kids early in life. I really don't want to be a gp in my 50's. I have several friends in their 40's or 50's who are grandparents now and they seem to spend so much of their spare time babysitting or picking them up from school. One friend does a 120 mile round trip once a week just to babysit her grandson for the evening, she says if she doesn't do this then she will never see him.

I am hoping that I may have a different opinion in my 60's when I'm retired and no longer caring for elderly parents.

FancyCatSlave · 09/07/2025 13:26

Most people I know do not have grandparent involvement- I am not local to mine and whilst we have a brilliant relationship and they adore DD they aren’t available for any practical help.

Most people I know do not live with grandparents on the doorstep.

sodabreadjam · 09/07/2025 13:28

You can give you DCs as much or as little help as you want with the GCs - just make it clear beforehand.

However, if you decide to do the minimum, you can expect that to colour your DCs attitude if/when you need help in later years. There are many threads about that on Mumsnet - "why should I help my parents when they have spent all their time/money on holidays and done nothing to help us?"

Bloozie · 09/07/2025 13:29

I voted that YANBU - but you need to be ready for the consequences.

My mum felt like you. When my sister and I announced we were pregnant (within a fortnight of each other), she sold her house and moved to France. Stayed there for 16 years, doing her own thing.

Now her grandkids are late teens/young adults and she's back. She is constantly bemoaning the fact she has no relationship with them, or us. Now she's older, she wants to be an integral part of our lives, she wants the Sunday lunches and spa days, and the role of grandma.

But she's done fuck all to earn it, we've all built lives without her, her grandkids hardly know her, the idea of her sitting at the head of the table as some kind of matriarch feels risible and we'll rock/paper/scissors over who has to look after her when she's a bit older - which is very much on her mind.

I'm being very blunt, but just make sure you will ALWAYS feel like this, before absenting yourself from the nitty gritty hands on bits of your grandkids lives. If you like the idea of family get togethers when you're in your 60s and 70s, and someone welcoming you to the Christmas Dinner table as an integral part of the family, inside the jokes, rather than the bolt on looking on - I'd keep a toe in the water... ;-)

FiveBarGate · 09/07/2025 13:30

I find this quite sad. I live 6 hours away from my mum so childcare never been an issue but still involved in that we see her for holidays, visits etc.

My MIL did provide childcare and is utterly amazing. But it's only ever been two days a week and now they are at school is a couple of hours a week at most.

They can go on holiday whenever they like as I'd take leave or make other arrangements.

They see friends and do other things but say they enjoy the rhythm of the week in seeing them.

My kids are still in primary school but I'd love to be a granny.

I don't feel I have sacrificed my whole life to motherhood though. Other than the toddler years they have always been in own rooms, slept through, I have a decent job, I can go out if I want to etc.

I wonder if this is a sign that modern motherhood is taking too much. I'm not a fan or the martyrdom model which seems popular.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/07/2025 13:31

My mum wasn't particularly looking forward to me having a kid. Not that she didn't want me to, but she was neutral and I had no expectations of her wanting to be particularly involved.

These days I think my eldest child has replaced me at the top of the 'people my mum loves the most' tree 😂

Coconutter24 · 09/07/2025 13:32

I put YABU because no one is forced to do childcare as a grandparent, the option to say yes or no is there.

Heatherjayne1972 · 09/07/2025 13:33

How you feel is how you feel - it’s not compulsory to be a hands on grandma.
I’d start mentioning it now Way before any grand children are here.

It’s not ‘selfish’. You have raised your own children you’re not obligated raise theirs too

Panama2 · 09/07/2025 13:33

Well it might not even be an option to be involved in any furute grandchildren’s life or care. Your children could move miles away and you see the, twice a year if you are lucky.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/07/2025 13:34

I’m hoping for at least half a decade with no childcare in my life whatsoever. Then I’ll be ready!

I actually love little kids and I’m very good with them but I spent my childhood in charge of my little siblings, had my own children at a very young age, provided childcare for friends and family.. I’d like just a few years to decompress and just exist as me, whoever that is.

LillyPJ · 09/07/2025 13:35

You are not alone! I do not want grandchildren at all. I love my DC but children bring worries along with the joy and I don't like being tied down. I see my friends giving up hobbies, holidays, outings etc because of grandparent duties and I don't want that to happen to me. Obviously, I would if I had to and I might even enjoy it, but I'd rather not.

Stressedoutmama123 · 09/07/2025 13:36

I think it’s a valid feeling. You can be like my parents who openly said “we have done our time and don’t want look after any grandchildren” and they stuck to that. They see their grand children around 4 times a year and go on multiple holidays instead.

I am not going to lie it’s really affected our relationship though, I would love for them to be more involved (not childcare) but feeling they actually want to spend time with my children.

There’s probably a balance somewhere