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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 08/07/2025 12:31

Poor kid. Ok he’s with his dad, but stuck in this country, no holiday abroad whilst his mum, step dad and two siblings bugger off abroad again

you treat all your kids the same, so if you can’t afford for you all to go, none of you go

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 08/07/2025 12:33

Horrible parenting, poor kid

middleagedandinarage · 08/07/2025 12:34

I do see where you're coming from OP but I personally couldn't. If you can't afford for the whole family to go then you don't go, get something cheaper in this country

Diarygirlqueen · 08/07/2025 12:37

I couldn't do this to my child. You don't know how he would react or the lasting damage it would do to him or your relationship. It's not worth it.
Personally, I think its a bit shit for you to even consider it.

bellamorgan · 08/07/2025 12:39

I couldn’t do it unless I knew he would be off having a wonderful trip too.

aredcar · 08/07/2025 12:39

Of course YABU. Taking 2 of your kids on an amazing holiday abroad but not the other one? How could you possibly think that’s ok?

purplecorkheart · 08/07/2025 12:39

Poor kid. He is being excluded from your shiny new family.

hellosunshineminesagin · 08/07/2025 12:40

No that is mean and will damage him and your relationship with him for ever

Neemie · 08/07/2025 12:41

You have three children and that costs more than having two children. They should be treated equally.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

OP posts:
blackberrycob · 08/07/2025 12:42

It would be a horrendous thing to do to your son. I completely understand you would love another holiday, but do you seriously think going away the specific week your son is spending with his dad does not look like you are deliberately excluding your son? Or are you going to explain that you can afford to take your two children from your current relationship, just not him?

AbzMoz · 08/07/2025 12:43

Gut says YBU but perhaps depends on wider context and if he’s had any reason to feel othering because of bio parents in the past?

IF (big if!) you do then you do know you’ll have to be extremely careful in the wording/framing. I think you have to wait til ex’s plan materialise (and maybe chip in for DS costs). Do not frame it with your adult lens of ‘we couldn’t afford you, it meant two rooms.’ Make clear (and deliver on) the sense that you wanted each of your kids to have a good time of an equivalent value (meaning both cost but also aligned to interests - DS and his dad discovering fishing/climbing/video game museum, while you and DDs do spa time/icecreams/younger kids stuff).
And commit to a holiday for all of you next year, as he won’t have interest once he is 16+.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:43

purplecorkheart · 08/07/2025 12:39

Poor kid. He is being excluded from your shiny new family.

A family unit that has been for the past 12 years…since he was 2 years old. There is no “shiny new family”. It’s his family. He has two families. One this side and one on his dad’s side.

OP posts:
hellosunshineminesagin · 08/07/2025 12:43

Your second DS his half brother?

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 12:43

No, that would be totally unreasonable.

If you can't afford for everyone to go away you can't afford a family holiday.

hellosunshineminesagin · 08/07/2025 12:44

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

Sorry meant to be in response to this

Stopbitingyourhands · 08/07/2025 12:44

You've already been abroad this year. A second holiday isn't worth risking your relationship with your child. Take a cheaper holiday with all of them in the UK.

Snorlaxo · 08/07/2025 12:44

I think Yabu.

I am divorced and don’t see their dad taking them on holiday as something that should happen instead of me taking them.

It’s fine to do things with just your dd if it wouldn’t interest ds but this sounds like a trip that he’d enjoy too and whether it’s overseas or uk doesn’t really matter.

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 12:44

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:43

A family unit that has been for the past 12 years…since he was 2 years old. There is no “shiny new family”. It’s his family. He has two families. One this side and one on his dad’s side.

Show quote history

Doesnt sound like his family if you think it acceptable to exclude him from a family holiday at 14yo

U53rn8m3ch8ng3 · 08/07/2025 12:44

Wow. Is this real?
So because you can offload him you can get a cheaper holiday? And bugger him if he misses out because he's with his Dad and no longer your problem.

hellosunshineminesagin · 08/07/2025 12:45

But actually no I don’t think it makes a difference. He will never forget the time you all went away without him and excluded him.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:45

hellosunshineminesagin · 08/07/2025 12:43

Your second DS his half brother?

His younger half brother - from his dad and step mum.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 08/07/2025 12:46

So are you purposely choosing the week that you know your DS will be with his dad to potentially book a holiday for the rest of you because you can’t afford to take him too?
If that’s the case then that’s pretty piss poor. If you can afford for four of you to go away then you either pay for him, do something cheaper in this country, or don’t go at all.

Overthebow · 08/07/2025 12:46

No that's really awful. Go on a cheaper UK long week with them all, or don't go.

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 12:46

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

My response would be the same

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