Page 2 | To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

DillyDallyingAllDay · 08/07/2025 12:48

He’s old enough to be asked- have a discussion with him; that you’re thinking of taking the girls away for the week he’s with his dad- his dad has told you he’s planning something etc. if he’s not happy with you going away, then don’t go without him. You don’t need to get into not being able to afford to take him; maybe put it as a we can only afford to go that week because of holiday pricing? I’d defo be asking DS though- whether you give him the full details of cost etc or not.

FourLove · 08/07/2025 12:48

Not OK. Look for a 5 person holiday you can afford unless DS has asked not to go.

user1476613140 · 08/07/2025 12:49

I think deep down you know that's a crap idea since you've started a thread about it....

ShiverMeLogs · 08/07/2025 12:49

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No.

He's part of your family, so all family holidays should include him.

He's already got a much more difficult life than your other DC who live full time with both their parents. If his life sometimes involves an extra trip with his dad then that doesn't even start to compensate for this.

Honestly, if you do this, you are effectively saying he is not really part of the family, and matters less than the other DC.

Would you book a holiday with only one of your other DC just because it worked out cheaper that way?

middleagedandinarage · 08/07/2025 12:49

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

To be honest no it wouldn't be. I just couldn't bring myself to go abroad on a family holiday, making family memories with 2/3 of my children 😟

ShiverMeLogs · 08/07/2025 12:50

DillyDallyingAllDay · 08/07/2025 12:48

He’s old enough to be asked- have a discussion with him; that you’re thinking of taking the girls away for the week he’s with his dad- his dad has told you he’s planning something etc. if he’s not happy with you going away, then don’t go without him. You don’t need to get into not being able to afford to take him; maybe put it as a we can only afford to go that week because of holiday pricing? I’d defo be asking DS though- whether you give him the full details of cost etc or not.

No, that's unfair to put him in the position where he feels obliged to say the rest of the family can go.

Shouldn't even be raised as a possibility

FourLove · 08/07/2025 12:50

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 12:46

My response would be the same

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No , in case he feels excluded from the new family which replaced his own nuclear family.

aredcar · 08/07/2025 12:50

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

My response would also be the same.

he has it much harder than your younger children having to navigate 2 homes with siblings who get to live with both their parents.

you have 3 children, you have to treat them equally. What he does with his dad is a separate issue.

he will always remember that his sisters got to go abroad with you and that he wasn’t invited. Do you really want this? Can you honestly not see how hurtful this would be for him?

diterictur · 08/07/2025 12:51

Of course you can't do this, I think it's awful that it even crossed your mind.

And, no, it would make no difference if he went away with his dad.

Flashahah · 08/07/2025 12:51

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Having children is expensive, you should’ve considered this before having more children

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

MsTamborineMan · 08/07/2025 12:46

My response would be the same

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So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

OP posts:

diterictur · 08/07/2025 12:53

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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Because it's not a competition, it's a family?

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:54

user1476613140 · 08/07/2025 12:49

I think deep down you know that's a crap idea since you've started a thread about it....

Everything’s a learning process, so I’m just trying to gauge the general consensus. Because I know of people who think it’s okay to do this; and also know of others who say they wouldn’t do this.

OP posts:

aLittleWhiteHorse · 08/07/2025 12:54

I wouldn’t; it feels exclusionary.

If I really wanted a break I might consider leaving all 3 kids at home and booking a long weekend somewhere warm with my DH and just feeling a little guilty for different reasons ! 😁

NImumconfused · 08/07/2025 12:54

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

I think so, yes, because then you could say "you're getting two holidays, and so are your sisters, so it's fair". I wouldn't take them on a second holiday if he's just going to be rattling about locally with his dad.

maudelovesharold · 08/07/2025 12:55

I can see the financial logistics, and even how you could try to justify it…kind of. But no matter how it’s dressed up, I think there’s the potential for such an arrangement to be quite hurtful for your ds and divisive for the family. A bit ‘us and him’. The teenage years can be difficult to navigate. I wouldn’t be risking any extra stumbling blocks! You must have doubts yourself as to how he would take it, or you wouldn’t be posting here.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/07/2025 12:55

No. I mean this is so obviously wrong.

Have the holiday you can afford for all of you, when he’s with you. Even if that’s much more modest.

Otherwise it’s a fast track to making him feel excluded from the “‘new” family.

InWalksBarberalla · 08/07/2025 12:55

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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Because he is excluded from your family holiday and all the bonding and shared memories afterwards. It's an awful thing to do to a child.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/07/2025 12:56

Oh wow just dump your first born on his dad and his dad's new family, and go away on holiday with your newer children.

Nice.

Don't worry

he can leave home for University etc in just 4 years time

and you can have all the new family holidays you like...

Userengage · 08/07/2025 12:56

Absolutely don’t ask him to make the decision for you as per PP. He might say yes to you going without him because he knows that what you want to hear and resent you going forward.
He may seem grown up compared to your DDs but he’s still a child. I feel for him.

Fundayout2025 · 08/07/2025 12:56

aredcar · 08/07/2025 12:39

Of course YABU. Taking 2 of your kids on an amazing holiday abroad but not the other one? How could you possibly think that’s ok?

Doesn't that depend on the situation though? In the OPs situation I wouldn't unless it was guaranteed he was going away with Dad but I've taken some of mine and not others before.

I took DDs away to Spain as teens leaving 5 year old DS with his dad. So everyone wasn't stuck having to do little kid stuff

Also took DD2 and DS to NYC . But that was more because DD1 refused to go unless I paid for no hoper boyfriend as well.

Take DS backpacking DDs by that time grown and married

So it's not one size fits and all

MyNeedyLilacBird · 08/07/2025 12:56

Does his dad and family ever go away without him? If they do then I don't personally see it as a problem if they were taking him abroad for you to just go away as a family of 4. If they aren't going away then I probably wouldn't.

Blended families are complicated and nobody will ever agree with everything you do. Do what works for you as a family

Fastingandhungry · 08/07/2025 12:57

I’d ask him his thoughts, how do you think he would feel about it?

arcticpandas · 08/07/2025 12:57

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

But that isn't the case though. If his dad was sure to bring him somewhere and you would then see if you could go somewhere is ine thing. Now you are deliberately trying to find a reason to exclude him. If you can't take the whole family then don't go. Or go somewhere cheaper.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/07/2025 12:58

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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Yes. He’s already got the shitty end of the deal with his parents being apart and having to move between houses, whilst his sisters are permanently with both parents.

Having two holidays when they get one doesn’t begin to make up for that, and it certainly doesn’t put him in the best position. It’s a tiny little thing that might be a drop in the ocean towards making life a bit fairer (albeit it it goes nowhere near bridging that gulf).