To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP you've already said he won't be going abroad with his Dad, so why do you keep trying to discuss that possibility?

its unreasonable and that would stay the same if he was going abroad with his dad.

he is split between 2 homes and has 2 family units, he should be included in both even if it’s inconvenient.

His sisters get to live with both mum and dad. He doesn’t. Through no fault of his own.

if you can’t afford to take all 3 children of yours on holiday then don’t go on holiday. You’ll not disintegrate.

But you’re making an assumption that he feels disadvantaged by not living in a nuclear family? That’s not the case for all children. It’s family specific surely. Yes a lot of children may struggle with coming from separated parents and having half siblings who permanently live with one set of full parents, but that’s not the case for all. DS, for the vast majority of the time, is happy and comfortable with having two families.

Because you are all of their mum, and so should treat them all the same, not try and balance it against what else is happening from other people.

If you could only afford a holiday for three would you take just one DD?

If you can't afford 3 kids, you can't afford it period.

It doesn't matter if his dad is a millionaire. If all he gets out of your divorce is am extra week in the sun, he's hardly winning the life lottery.

The point is that you should be thinking "I don't want to go without him" not "is this a good enough excuse to excuse my selfish behaviour."

And it goes back to point 1: if you think you're being unfair to the little ones by not taking them abroad, you just can't afford 3 kids (specifically the last one). Why should your eldest dip out to benefit your youngest? Your youngest has 2 happy parents together, so you can't dress it up as fairness because he might go away with dad and that would something "extra" that your little ones don't get.

But you said in your OP that they're probably not going abroad now and that even a break in the UK is only a "possibility" (your words).

Yes. Don't be stupid and cruel. Book a cheaper holiday you can all go on.

fucks sake.

It’s not about how many holidays he receives, it’s about how many holidays you provide.

In the scenario you are suggesting, you want to provide 2 holidays for you, your DH and your DDs but only provide 1 holiday for him. That is what is unfair.

Think of it this way, do you spend less on him at Christmas or birthday than your DD’s because his dad and stepmum are also getting him gifts?

I would just ask him, he might not mind.

I don’t really think it’s that much of an issue. He has 2 families. He’s spending a week with his Dad.

OP: ‘AIBU to only take 2 of my children on holiday because I can’t afford to pay for all 3 of them?’
Whole of MN: ‘Yes, YABU.’
OP: ‘But, but, but…..’

Honestly @Suncloudstars if you cannot see what if unfair about wanting to take the new ones but can’t afford to pay for the old one, then I feel desperately sad for your teen son, who is at a stage in his life where he is probably having to negotiate complex teen hormones and dramas anyway without having to process the idea of his mother deciding she can’t afford to take him away on the family holiday.

An inconvenience to me? Wow. Bit excessive and dramatic when you don’t know me, DS or the family 🤣

It doesn’t matter what his dad is doing

YOU need to treat all 3 of YOUR children equally. That means inviting all three of them on family holidays with you, not leaving one of them out.

that’s it in a nutshell. If you can’t see that, then that’s a concern

I think you're just making excuses now. There is no way a 9 year old can't understand that her older brother goes to his dad's house and does different stuff there. And I can't imagine any 4 year old who would be bothered or even know what's going on!

You've said you had a 3 week holiday to Asia not so long ago so I don't think you need to worry about anything being "fair" on your DDs. I would worry more about things being fair for your DS.

I think it sounds fine, it would be nice for you to maybe do a little night away just you and DS as well.

I have been on holidays, days out, meals out etc with 1, 2 or all 3 of my boys. It evens out and works for us as everyone gets to spend their time away doing what they enjoy. Plus, spending time as a whole family is different to 1-2-1 or just the people who share X interest.

You have 3 children you should treat them all equally

Your ex has x number of children he should treat them all equally

9 and 4 year olds won’t be that bothered about whether they’re going abroad again or not. Or whether their brother is, come to that. If you don’t want to stay at home the week when your ds is away, then do some days out with them. They’ll be just as happy, snd it’ll be much cheaper!

Be,prepared for him to resent the hell out of all of you.

@Suncloudstars you really don't get it.

You are trying to justify your decision to exclude your son from your second family holiday.

It would be interesting to see if you'll come back in 10 years and tell us how that worked out for you.

something similar happened to my DH as a child. His DM & his SF took their child (DH’s half sibling)& DH’s younger full sibling on holiday without him. It hurt him deeply & he still occasionally reflects on how he was often treated differently. There clearly is a bigger story but he has been impacted his whole life. He doesn’t consider himself abused or mistreated but he’s always felt left out. No surprise he left home at 18 and we live 200 miles away. He’s 61 this year.

This. I imagine you have other family and friends who go abroad when you don't so I don't see how it's any different!

No you can’t whilst he’s still only 14. It’s not as if he has the means to pay for his own holiday at this age.

Don’t do it.

But there’s no exclusion if we choose to do something because plans have already been made for DS to go and do something with his dad?

if I said “we want to go and do something as a four, but you’re going to your dads for the week to sit and do nothing” then that’s exclusion.

but it’s not exclusion if he’s already doing something with his dad, and then we’re choosing to do something secondary to that?

Could you leave one of the DDs behind instead? Maybe they could stay with a relative or a friends family?

No it's not unfair on your DDs - it's his compensation for the fact his parents couldn't keep his family together. And not only that but that his mum had brought started a new family when he was only two years old, and then dad has done the same. So not only does he not get to live with both his parents, he has to watch half siblings on both sides get everything he never will.

There is no way you can slice this where he is actually ahead. Coming from a broken home he is already at a massive disadvantage, and you should both be working overtime to make him feel included, not trying to find ways to leave him out.