To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

My answer wouldn't change. It's not about "overall fairness" which can never be exactly equal when you don't have a say over what happens in his family with his Dad. It's about you providing the same as you do to your other DC. Especially the family holiday bonding bit that previous posters have mentioned. That's within your control, the rest isn't.

There is a difference between the usual business of life and an expensive family holiday abroad. if you can't see that then you're deliberately not seeing it I think. Step-parent perchance?

And that him taking DS on a UK holiday is only a "possibility". So the likelihood is that he isn't even going to be going away. Just sat at his dads for a week whilst his mum and siblings are having a brilliant time abroad on a holiday that he wasn't even invited on - in fact, deliberately excluded from.

It's quite simple. You all go or nobody goes. It's what families do.

You’re not wrong, especially if your DS is going on holiday with his dad at the same time. If he isn’t also going abroad I’d just ask him how he feels about you going without him, chances are he won’t mind at all.
People on here will tie themselves in knots to find a way to make it seem like a child with divorced parents is going to be scared for life if their half or step siblings ever do anything that they aren’t included in. As long as one child or one set of children aren’t always getting the short end of the stick then there should be no issues.
I have been in my DSCs lives for about 30 years and both are step parents themselves now. Thankfully they could understand and accepted that with the family set up we had it was absolutely impossible for everything to be the same for everyone, as there were way too many variables, with them having 7 half siblings between their mum and dad. My dsc and their siblings on our side of the family have an extremely close bond and are all phenomenally well rounded adults who know how to give and take.

Yabvu. I find it unlikely you can't afford to take him on this particular holiday another week, yet you say you have multiple holidays a year already.

Is this a particularly expensive/special holiday that costs more than all the rest? If so that's even more unreasonable. Or are you trying to use money as an excuse??

Personally I don't think it is unreasonable to go away without all your children esp as it isn't the main holiday of the year. Its the inevitable downside of divorced / separated parents. BUT it is unreasonable to use money as the reason why.

I have a few separated/divorced friends. Both the parents go away with and without their children and with and without their step children. They have one main holiday a year with everyone together though.

Ok. You keep telling yourself that...

@Suncloudstars you seem adamant that you're right and nobody is going to tell you otherwise so not really sure what you made this thread for?

@Suncloudstarsyour not listening to what people are saying . You are just trying to justify your plan of excluding your son from the holiday . Your a family you go together or not at all .

but as it sounds like your going ahead , we will look forward to your post in a few years look for sympathy that your son has gone no contact and you don’t understand why !

I’ve said it doesn’t look like that it will materialise; doesn’t mean it definitely won’t happen.

I’m in agreement that going abroad whilst he sits twiddling his thumbs at his dads house would be a shit thing to do, so I’m trying to understand the reasoning behind whether it would be a shit thing to do IF he does in fact end up going abroad - as it is still a possibility.

If he is going in holiday with his dad somewhere in the UK why don't you book a holiday somewhere in the UK with your daughters?.
I think it's cruel to wait until he is away and then book an exciting holiday abroad because it makes him sound as though he is an expensive inconvenience.

You seem so sure of that. But you're not him, and he's 14. I'd bet quite a lot that he doesn't tell you everything. What would be the point? There's already a new family he has to deal with.

This is a absolutely appalling. Why not leave one of your DDs with grandparents and ask them to take her somewhere if it's the same thing? Bloody horrible.

Ok, well let's hope that your plan to exclude him from this holiday doesn't change that. 🤷

Worth remembering Maya Angelou here. "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." People are trying to apply 'logic' and 'fairness' to a situation which will all be about feelings - this will make the son feel left out and unwanted by his mum, no matter how much 'extra' he's getting on his dad's side of the tally sheet. Kids from broken families are particularly vulnerable to feelings of abandonment and not belonging, so particular care should be taken to avoid this.

Yabvu.
He will remember this when he is older and cast it up to you.

Why is a trip abroad so much better than a holiday in the UK? And he may go on another holiday with his dad later this year or even a fantastic trip with his dad next year that his sister's won't get to go on. He's actually the one that gets the most holidays with his dad and then with his mum.

In short, yes - it would be a shit thing to do. You already know that otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.

Of course not. But if he was abroad with his dad & family, I’m struggling to comprehend why it would be such a tragic thing for us to also do.

What obviously doesn’t come across is the lifestyle that he has with us; and the holidays, travel opportunities and experiences that he has with us. He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

That would be different, but you said he isn't going abroad with them

Your DDs get to grow up with both parents living together whilst your DS has to move between houses.

I wouldn’t go away without him even if he does go abroad with his dad but I think it would be a lot worse to go away without him if his dad doesn’t take him abroad.

Of course your being unreasonable. Either you all go, or none of you.

It would be very convenient for you and his father if this was the case; I think you may find in adulthood he will have a very different story to tell. I've never yet met an adult child of divorced parents, especially those with half siblings, who wasn't affected by it in some way. Statistics are also not on your side; family breakdown is a recognised Adverse Childhood Experience associated with a range of negative outcomes. I'm not saying parents should never break up, that's sometimes for the best; but they shouldn't delude themselves that it is without consequence for their kids, and should try to mitigate those consequences not exacerbate them.

"He has two full families"

Not exactly if you take his sisters on holiday and not him. He's not always there in your family, he is predisposed to grow up feeling like a second class citizen. Whether you can justify it or not, I think there is a material risk that it he will feel it quite deeply.

I am slightly struggling with the idea that it's either no holiday at all or a holiday in europe for 4. There is near infinite variety in holidays available - plenty of other options in other weeks if you tweak the plans. And, more importantly, I don't think he will buy that it is truly your only option either.

But if you went on holiday without him, he WOULD be excluded from something you are doing as a family.