To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

I already said I think it would be fine if he was having an equal holiday with his father.

Both sets of children would then be having two equal holidays and both sets would have had those holidays with their parents either together or separately.

The first born is never going to get his mum and dad together on a holiday so it’s already unfair. Him getting a holiday with mum and then with dad is the best his getting.

You taking the younger ones away when his just stuck at dad’s house however would be a sucky move. He then lose losses. First he never gets the mum and dad holiday and then his siblings who live with mum and dad get a second nice holiday while he doesn’t.

where as his off with dad having a blast and your off possibly even doing a holiday that’s aimed at younger children. That seems fairer.

A lot of posters are being dramatic

There's a difference between him getting an "extra" holiday with his dad that his step sisters don't get and you deliberately excluding him from a family holiday because he's an inconvenience to you

No I wouldn't op, I can see why you're considering it but if I was you I'd do a cheaper UK break with them all. You don't have to go abroad to have a good holiday.

I can see the logistics on why your thinking of this.

i wouldn't do it, i probably would if he had a week away booked with his dad at the same time

That would be his consolation prize for not living with both his parents which is hard enough when he compares with his sisters

Trust me there’s no issue; I’m talking about fitting in an extra last minute European holiday. He spent 3 weeks travelling around south east Asia this year with us, and has 2 similar holidays a year with us all. He’s hardly disadvantaged when it comes to holidays.

To go against the crowd…!

I’m a stepmum to three SC. We have a little one and so does their mum and her partner.

Their mum goes on a lot of holidays. Every year they do 1 or 2 with SC and 1 or 2 with just their little one. SC are entirely unbothered because they’re usually on holiday with us.

We don’t do it but only because we can’t afford multiple holidays!

Because he will feel excluded.

I mean your DDs have both their parents together, they get to see both their parents most days. You can't measure fairness in blended families based on number of holidays or number of activities. It would still be fair on your Dds because they haven't been excluded from any family holiday

I couldn’t do this even if ds was already going away with his dad. He shouldn’t be left out. I couldn’t do it, personally.

There’s zero competition. I’m referring more to fairness to DD’s if he goes abroad whilst we sit at home.

I think this is pertinent, he's getting plenty of travel opportunities with the family. I would still only do it if he was going away with his dad though.

Really? I found not living with both parents a bonus rather than in need of a consolation prize

But that's what's making it into a competition.

All this talk about him "getting more than them" if he went away twice.

Would you disinherit him if he inherited from his dad's side and your DDs didn't?

I wouldn’t - he’ll begin to feel under pressure to say “yes it’s OK” even if it’s not.

I suspect you are in the minority!

I have an older ds with ex and younger dd with a different dad. Sorry, I’d never take dd away without ds unless I specifically asked him if he wanted to come and he said no.

can you get creative with the budget you have to afford all 5? Free child’s place? Maybe a euro camp (there’s a couple in Croatia that look amazing with static caravans with air con), a uk holiday or similar for all 5. You could also get the ferry to France or even an overnight ferry to Spain and get an Airbnb to keep costs down but with all of you.

is this correct @Suncloudstars?

He is your son.

You can't afford to take him on a second holiday with you.

But you can afford to take his 2 sisters on a second holiday with you.

Are you being unreasonable 🤔

No my answer wouldn't change.

I doubt he thinks of his parents arrangements as the best of both worlds

Are you serious? You would actually exclude your son from a family holiday like this?

But equally, he would be bonding and making memories with his dad and family whilst abroad with them would he not?

He has two full families. He has step parents and half siblings on both sides. If he’s having a wonderful time on holiday with his “dad family”, then why would it be so detrimental to him if his “mum family” was also abroad? He would be making memories with his half brother from his dad’s side, rather than his half sisters from his mum’s side. Equally he does have plenty of beautiful holidays and travel experiences with us. No?

The unfairness is not that your DDs get an extra holiday

The unfairness is that you clearly don't consider him as a fully fledged part of the family unit. You are ready to drop him because you can't afford to take all your dcs away.

Yabu

Take them all away on a cheaper holiday or don’t go at all

If you're trying to justify 'fairness' then how many holidays make up for the fact that every other child in the family gets to live with their own two parents and has a single home that they can call their own while he has to go back and forth between families and is alway living with an unrelated adult and kids that have a shared history that he's not part of?

Trying to convince yourself it's 'fair' because he might occasionally get a scrap of bonus holiday is tragic and demonstrates a lack of understanding about how difficult it is to be the step child in a family full of siblings and parents who all get their optimum living arrangements while you are treated like a spare part.

If I can’t afford for both my kids to go on holiday then we don’t go. It doesn’t matter what the left out one would be doing whilst we were away.

I don’t always take both my kids away. I have been away with just me and my DS or just me and my DD, but money has never been the reason, more 1 on 1 bonding time.