To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

[Suncloudstars]

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

😂

you are engaging in a lot of weird hypotheticals to try and justify your decision...your DS going on holiday with his dad is currently imaginary. You have no idea how your son feels about being in a nuclear family and honestly it's irrelevant

you asked and everyone answered - you're being unreasonable

I get where PP is coming from. But I knew a mam who had a similar situation to you, but she also split with tbe second DP. So 4 kids, 2 different dads. They all spent time with their dads and often 1 dad would take his kids abroad, another dad would take the other 2 camping. Lots of different stuff going on but the mam obviously couldn't make it all equal!

Or, perhaps the DDs could go away with their dad? It isn't a family holiday and she's only concerned about them missing out, so I'm sure OP won't mind not going? The three of them can probably afford an upgrade without her or her son imposing on them!

You can either afford a family holiday or you can't. It's very unfair to pick a child to leave out so some of you can go abroad. Why is it him? Why not leave your husband at home?

Go for it, if you don't value your relationship with him and want him to need counselling in the future. What a dick move.

Absolutely not. I don’t think inheritance quite compares to an extra holiday…

Wow.

It's obviously excluding to pick the only week he's not with you to go on holiday.

It would be different if it was say - the week he's with his dad, there's a family wedding your side that he doesn't get to go to, because you didn't pick the wedding date.

But actively choosing to go away when he isn't there, actually because he isn't there is clearly excluding him

i think you need to reread your original post . What a horrible thing to do . What if DH decided to take the three kids on holiday and just leave you at home . How would that make you feel ? If you can’t afford it , don’t go ! Or look at other options where you don’t purposely exclude one of your children

But you’re not being honest. You have purposely chosen that 1 week to go on holiday so that you can exclude him to save money.

My DD has been invited on her friend’s holiday. We have therefore planned our family holiday afterwards so she can come with us. It would be really cruel for us to plan our family holiday whilst she away. I would never do that.

Not the full story though is it…

Parents in 'blended' families say that a lot because children are adaptable and want to please their parents and know that their discomfort isn't going to be a priority for a parent that has already moved in with (and had kids with) someone else.

And it suits the parents to believe that because most people don't want to deliberately cause their kids unhappiness.

But if you read threads on here from the children in those families, they often report feeling left out, being made to feel like an inconvenience, wishing they didn't have to live with unrelated adults (however much they might like them as people) and just generally feeling sidelined and 'less than' compared to their half siblings and parents' new relationships.

So your son may be delighted to live between homes and have siblings that get to spend time with both parents and each other while he had to miss out on that. Or he might just be
making the best of a less than ideal situation.

But, either way, I wouldn't stress test the security that you say he has by demonstrating your willingness to drop him for the chance of a holiday that deliberately and specifically excludes him.

It doesn’t matter what his dad is doing, whether he gives him 10 holidays a year. It matters that you, his mother is making a choice to exclude him from one of your family holidays. I don’t know why you are trying to make this a joint issue, it’s separate what happens in your home.

i Could never do this to one of my kids. It’s really awful that it entered your mind in the first place

Divorced parents LOVE telling themselves this. Even if he is happy and comfortable the vast majority of the time, there is no way he is happier than he would be if both his parents were happily together. That's what your DDs get that he doesn't. His life is more complicated therefore, his place in each family less assured because he is also part of the other one. As this situation perfectly exemplifies. You'd never consider leaving one of your DDs behind because you can't afford all 5 to go. You only consider leaving him out because of his 'other family'. It's inherently a disadvantage.

But that's the same argument you're making on the holiday - he would get an extra holiday so to "make it fair" you would exclude him from your family's holiday. Why wouldn't you disinherit him to make it fair to your DDs?

I can’t believe you would even consider doing something like this.

Is this a reverse? Is your DS’s dad planning a holiday without him or something?

No clearly the decision to not include him will be damaging and divisive.

@Suncloudstars

"we’re choosing to do something secondary to that" at his expense.

Which you've organised on the exact same dates,he's with his Dad and it's based solely on the fact that you can't afford to take him with you

He could have had 3 holidays this year, lucky boy, but you, his Mum, chose to take your daughters without him on your second family holiday!

But plans haven't been made for him to go and do something with his dad have they?

His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

I think this is very over dramatic.

If he goes on holiday with his dad and goes on holiday with his mum he gets twice as many holidays than his half sisters. Things are never going to be exactly equal if it's shared custody. Are his mum and stepdad never allowed to do anything with his half sisters while he is with his dad? No cinema trips, no takeaways, no treats at all?

I think a big thing is that your OP says the holiday with his dad abroad may not happen

Exactly. It's really strange that OP can't or won't see this.

I don't believe that you could afford to take 4 of you on holiday but not 5, it might just be a different holiday. Just use the budget for 4 and find a holiday for 5 in that budget. If flights are the issue, look at places where you can drive or take a ferry.

You’re assuming that he is heavily affected by being from a split family. He’s not.