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Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/07/2025 16:40

Why did you feel the need to snoop in his phone?

Its grim male banter (boke) doesnt sound like he has done anything though

Hols2024 · 07/07/2025 16:41

A few years ago??? How long have you been together?

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:41

What the hell are you doing going through his phone in the first place?

Does he have form for cheating as you clearly don't trust him?

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:42

Hols2024 · 07/07/2025 16:41

A few years ago??? How long have you been together?

Over 12 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:42

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:41

What the hell are you doing going through his phone in the first place?

Does he have form for cheating as you clearly don't trust him?

He’s been acting colder lately, so I snooped.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 07/07/2025 16:46

I think as soon as you start snooping it’s over really, there’s no trust (on either side once he finds out), you’ll torture yourself based on what you’ve found and then resentment creeps in.

PashaMinaMio · 07/07/2025 16:46

Your antennae is up.
Some might say to keep it up.
Others might say keep checking his phone until you feel relaxed again?

Take a measured view and not say anything until you have concrete evidence of anything worthwhile challenging him about. How you reach that point is for you to decide.

For now think of it as bloke banter until you know otherwise.
I hope all turns out well OP.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:46

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:42

He’s been acting colder lately, so I snooped.

Show quote history

Why not just try to get to the bottom of why he has been a bit colder lately rather than just assume the worst and go snooping through his phone?

Do you have a reason other than his coldness not to trust him?

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:48

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:46

Why not just try to get to the bottom of why he has been a bit colder lately rather than just assume the worst and go snooping through his phone?

Do you have a reason other than his coldness not to trust him?

Show quote history

He doesn’t talk about what’s bothering him. And it’s human nature to be curious.

OP posts:
TravelPanic · 07/07/2025 16:48

Cannot believe these responses so far!! He’s a creep and either has cheated or would happily cheat. Why on earth do you want to stay with him after seeing these?!

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/07/2025 16:49

I would be livid if my partner went “down” my phone without my knowledge. It’s a complete invasion of privacy.

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:49

To add, what bothers me is the ‘few years ago’ part. He’s only been more senior than her for 3 years - we’ve been married for 12 years! His statement about not overstepping the line relates to his work responsibilities rather than his marital ones!

OP posts:
NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 07/07/2025 16:51

So he thinks the ONLY reason she’d be disinterested is because he is senior to her at work ? Or is that just my interpretation ?

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 16:51

You've done more wrong than him.

Did you think he will forgive you?

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 07/07/2025 16:51

@PulpKitchen exactly !

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:51

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 07/07/2025 16:51

So he thinks the ONLY reason she’d be disinterested is because he is senior to her at work ? Or is that just my interpretation ?

No, I read it as the only reason he wouldn’t try it on with her is because of his work role!

OP posts:
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:52

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:48

He doesn’t talk about what’s bothering him. And it’s human nature to be curious.

Show quote history

Yes its human nature to be curious but not everyone would snoop through their partners phone to find out why.

If my DH was a little cold towards me I would assume it could be a number of things and I would talk to him about it and try to find out why. I certainly wouldn't just help myself to his phone and invade his privacy.

Do you suspect he is colder towards you because he is cheating?

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:52

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 16:51

You've done more wrong than him.

Did you think he will forgive you?

Male defence league out in force 🤣

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 07/07/2025 16:53

I agree it's not great and would make me uncomfortable but if this is in the past and you don't think anything has happened and have no reason to think he's cheated then I think you need to let this one go if this is the only thing you've found after a major snoop.

I wouldn't tell him you've snooped but I'd be honest you feel he's more distant and I'd talk to him about that and focus on that.

I found out my ex was cheating because he was colder to me and I snooped (the only time I've ever done it) so I'm not super against it if you have a reason directly related to their behaviour. I'm glad i looked because id been asking and he was giving excuses. Id never have known otherwise.

Equally, I know if my ex had looked through my phone he'd find nothing of surprise. If you're feeling the need to check all the time though then I would say the relationship is unhealthy because your foundation should be on trust.

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:53

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:52

Yes its human nature to be curious but not everyone would snoop through their partners phone to find out why.

If my DH was a little cold towards me I would assume it could be a number of things and I would talk to him about it and try to find out why. I certainly wouldn't just help myself to his phone and invade his privacy.

Do you suspect he is colder towards you because he is cheating?

Show quote history

“You would talk to him about it”. That’s very nice for you, but as I just stated, he doesn’t discuss any emotions or feelings at all.

OP posts:
gottalottodo · 07/07/2025 16:54

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:49

To add, what bothers me is the ‘few years ago’ part. He’s only been more senior than her for 3 years - we’ve been married for 12 years! His statement about not overstepping the line relates to his work responsibilities rather than his marital ones!

Yeah this. From his chat it sounds like he would have a bash if he wasn’t her senior. But could be male bravado. Also the way his friend is so matter of fact about him having a go at this woman makes me think it’s common place in their workplace

DaisyChain505 · 07/07/2025 16:54

If this isn’t enough to make you leave him nothing will be.

He’s disrespectful towards your marriage and you as a person and he told his friend the only reason he wasn’t trying it on with this woman was because he could get in trouble at work. Nothing to do with the fact he’s bloody married

If his work place were to see these messages it would be a fireable offence. He’s a pig.

ilovesooty · 07/07/2025 16:54

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:53

“You would talk to him about it”. That’s very nice for you, but as I just stated, he doesn’t discuss any emotions or feelings at all.

Show quote history

Tell him that disturbs you then.

Azuresky68 · 07/07/2025 16:55

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:49

To add, what bothers me is the ‘few years ago’ part. He’s only been more senior than her for 3 years - we’ve been married for 12 years! His statement about not overstepping the line relates to his work responsibilities rather than his marital ones!

I don't blame you xx

JudgeBread · 07/07/2025 16:56

He's saying he'd have tried it on with a 22 year old "a few years ago" but not anymore because that'd be unprofessional? Wow how noble of him.

You know your relationship is already on thin ice if you're at the point of looking through his phone, I think you need to maybe bite the bullet and have a difficult conversation here. Not even about what's in your phone but about the current poor state of things in your marriage.