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Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Foreverm0re · 07/07/2025 16:56

Oodlesof · 07/07/2025 16:51

You've done more wrong than him.

Did you think he will forgive you?

Oh piss off. Seriously 😂

FrenchandSaunders · 07/07/2025 16:56

ugh he sounds horrible. How old is he?

So grim to be sending messages about colleagues like that.

Spanador · 07/07/2025 16:57

What is going on with this thread? Normally when someone posts about thinking her partner is cheating or is up to something everyone tells her to try and look through his phone for evidence. This OP has done exactly that and is getting berated for it

B1anche · 07/07/2025 16:59

Spanador · 07/07/2025 16:57

What is going on with this thread? Normally when someone posts about thinking her partner is cheating or is up to something everyone tells her to try and look through his phone for evidence. This OP has done exactly that and is getting berated for it

Yes but this is typical of MN. Admit you've been through your partner's phone and that is all people will focus on. He might have confessed to murder but you'll be told you've crossed a line.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:59

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:53

“You would talk to him about it”. That’s very nice for you, but as I just stated, he doesn’t discuss any emotions or feelings at all.

Show quote history

Have you even tried? Not even a 'you seem a little quieter than usual, is everything okay at work?' kind of thing?

The fact he doesn't like to open up much doesn't excuse you snooping through his phone and invading his privacy.

As for the message itself, the trip was in the past and this message seems like stupid bloke banter and if this is the only incriminating thing you could find while snooping then think yourself lucky.

Did your snooping get to the bottom of why he is being cold towards you now?

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/07/2025 17:00

Yikes.

So his friend obviously thinks him trying it on with this girl os a possibility, otherwise he wouldn't have asked. Added to that, your DH doesn't give his marriage with you as a reason not to try it on with her, but instead the fact that he is more senior than her.

I'd be very surprised if he's not been unfaithful to you in the past.

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/07/2025 17:00

Spanador · 07/07/2025 16:57

What is going on with this thread? Normally when someone posts about thinking her partner is cheating or is up to something everyone tells her to try and look through his phone for evidence. This OP has done exactly that and is getting berated for it

i was thinking the same. This place is weird.

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:03

FrenchandSaunders · 07/07/2025 16:56

ugh he sounds horrible. How old is he?

So grim to be sending messages about colleagues like that.

32

OP posts:
Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:05

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:59

Have you even tried? Not even a 'you seem a little quieter than usual, is everything okay at work?' kind of thing?

The fact he doesn't like to open up much doesn't excuse you snooping through his phone and invading his privacy.

As for the message itself, the trip was in the past and this message seems like stupid bloke banter and if this is the only incriminating thing you could find while snooping then think yourself lucky.

Did your snooping get to the bottom of why he is being cold towards you now?

Show quote history

Yes, I’ve tried for years. He’s really not good talking about his emotions. It’s just part of him, and he won’t get help for it. He lets things build until he has a semi breakdown rather than a chat. There wasn’t much in there, a few messages to a friend insinuating I’m demanding, that kind of thing, but nothing specific.

OP posts:
3KidsPlusDdog · 07/07/2025 17:06

I feel so sorry for that 22 year old woman. What a violation - having her picture shared and spoken about like that by two dirty creeps.

And of course for you too, OP. The marriage would be over for me.

ColdTofuSandwich · 07/07/2025 17:07

Well she was right to check wasn’t she!!

id bring it up with him.

saltnpepperchips · 07/07/2025 17:08

He sounds absolutely vile. I couldnt stay with someone after reading that

WonderingWanda · 07/07/2025 17:10

Whilst I agree that snooping is a huge invasion of privacy, now you've seen this it can't be undone. Those messages are utterly revolting and disrespectful. I couldn't move past that and would end things. There is no way this is acceptable male banter.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/07/2025 17:12

I have DDs of a similar age and I’d be fuming if this was going on at their workplace.

As for not discussing his feelings OP … he’s more than happy to do this with his mate isn’t he! He’s made his feelings very clear to him.

Gemmawemma9 · 07/07/2025 17:14

Why do so many people rush to defend the partner in these situations? Blows my mind.
OP he doesn’t respect you and I think those messages show if he hasn’t already cheated he would happily consider it. I wouldn’t trust him and I would be reconsidering my relationship. I know you’ve said you don’t want to separate so I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread really. Good luck in any case!

Original poster
PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 17:16

Gemmawemma9 · 07/07/2025 17:14

Why do so many people rush to defend the partner in these situations? Blows my mind.
OP he doesn’t respect you and I think those messages show if he hasn’t already cheated he would happily consider it. I wouldn’t trust him and I would be reconsidering my relationship. I know you’ve said you don’t want to separate so I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread really. Good luck in any case!

Yep, I get your point. I think I just wanted some perspective on “male banter” and if this is the way men communicate with eachother?? I feel blind to it. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting and being naive?

OP posts:
AgnesX · 07/07/2025 17:18

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:52

Male defence league out in force 🤣

Show quote history

Don't know about that but if he finds out he'll definitely be cold towards you.

Snooping on phones is like eavesdropping. You might not like what you hear and in this instance what you read.

What else has he done in the past, there must be a good reason?

Sedgwick · 07/07/2025 17:20

That’s awful, ‘this is her’ like they have been discussing her, the aubergine emoji! He does not sound like a faithful husband. The not talking to you about his feelings is bs, clearly he is well able to articulate his lust for a young woman with his colleague.

I think maybe check his phone regularly and see if anything else crops up. Definitely keep an eye out. Ultimately he doesn’t seem to respect you so maybe it’s best to end the marriage? In your position I would be angry.

Modernme · 07/07/2025 17:21

Sounds like mens banter at its worst again.

Away2000 · 07/07/2025 17:22

I would take it as your partner is open to cheating and his friend thinks he is too. Also really creepy to be sending photos of this woman to his friend and discussing her like that.

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 17:22

@ErlingHaalandsManBun "As for the message itself, the trip was in the past and this message seems like stupid bloke banter and if this is the only incriminating thing you could find while snooping then think yourself lucky."

Stupid bloke banter? Oooh, that's OK then. So it's fine to share a picture of a colleague without her consent or knowledge and discuss fucking her? Are you very old or do you possibly work for the Met police? Otherwise, what's your excuse and where have you been for the last 30 years?

Sedgwick · 07/07/2025 17:22

Men’s banter is not an excuse, he is a married man.

autumnmonths · 07/07/2025 17:23

It's the sending a photo of her in the first place for me. And with an aubergine emoji. So if he wasn't above her in the workplace he'd go for it, basically.

Roomwithaview2019 · 07/07/2025 17:23

Hankunamatata · 07/07/2025 16:40

Why did you feel the need to snoop in his phone?

Its grim male banter (boke) doesnt sound like he has done anything though

Its this kind of mentality that keeps men safe in their vile behaviour. Grim male banter but he hasnt done anything. Get help for yourself!!!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/07/2025 17:24

AgnesX · 07/07/2025 17:18

Don't know about that but if he finds out he'll definitely be cold towards you.

Snooping on phones is like eavesdropping. You might not like what you hear and in this instance what you read.

What else has he done in the past, there must be a good reason?

Show quote history

This.

Don't get me wrong, I think the husband has, at the very least, behaved like a dickhead, and at the worst, is cheating.

But as far as I'm concerned, going through your partner's phone is unforgivable. If DP did it and I found out, the relationship would be over, so she'd better be damn sure I was cheating before she did.