Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

This!
You snooped didn’t really find anything, but now you’re on high alert. Why not just talk to your husband of 12 years why he has been acting cold?

Why would telling your friend who knows you're married that you're happily married so won't be cheating be something that makes you look like a dickhead?
Are men really that pathetic?

Exactly! They post is bullshit from start to finish 😂😂

What is the significance of the aubergine emoji? Doesn’t sound like your Dh can be trusted. Send him some texts with the aubergine emoji ?

🤦‍♀️

It's to signify his dick

"Banter" would be discussing the woman in person. The message indicates the DH and his mate have not only done that ("here she is") but he took the time to take a picture and share it with him, in advance of an event where they will have an opportunity. This suggests his thinking in terms of the next steps available to him have progressed to something beyond 'banter.' Maybe he sent the text to his friend to 'keep him on the straight and narrow' ('a few years ago, I might have') or maybe he was looking for encouragement/support? He's got a crush, in any case, and wanted to share how exciting it was for him.

Fuck literally everyone and their fucking wrist slappings over checking the phone. Thankfully you did.

It's not great. I'm so sorry OP.

That would make me wonder what he’s done in the past. As you have already snooped I would either own up to it and have a discussion or suggest counselling. Not sure I could trust someone that had that kind of banter!

I think it's just man banter. He's allowed to find other people attractive. He's married not dead. He isn't going to act on it. He's just chatting shit. .

Ridiculous

Oh right. Well he’s an aubergine head 🫡
Ask him if he wants roasted aubergine for dinner and sign off with aubergine emoji’s

If my husband was even considering that it be , bye bye.
No respect or morals.

People who have nothing to hide shouldn’t worry. My partner can go through my phone all he wants - worst thing he’ll fine is birthday presents being ordered that I don’t want him to see or my old fanfictions that I wrote when I used to publish stuff. I routinely go through his phone in front of him too! My parents even share an iCloud and use each others mobiles. No big issue.

Trust your instinct OP. Ignore the holier than thou responses.

You know something is off and you can feel it.

Something is up. You've found some soft evidence here - but not enough to frame him. It's normal to fancy other people and it could just be lad banter but the coldness says something else is up.

He could be deleting messages in case you look at his phone.

What's his behaviour like around his phone? and in general? Does he have times he could cheat, like trips away with work?

Imagine you were an attractive young woman working with an older, senior employee who did that to you. Would you like it? Would you think it was ok and that he was a decent husband to his wife?

It's not 'man banter', it's sackable offense letcherous sexist disgusting creep chat.

Deserves to have it cut off. Fucking aubergine indeed.

This. The relationship is effectively over as the trust has gone.

so, you come clean, explain why, and then talk about the next step(s).

I wish you well x

Does he have to?

I cannot believe how many people are saying you are wrong, I think you were right to go through it. If this was my DH I would tell him I would like to look through his phone and I am confident he would let me, unless there was something going on. If that was the case, I would 100% snoop through it if he had started behaving differently. I would tell him once I had done it though and I would have no issue whatsoever with my DH looking through my phone as I have nothing to hide. Back to your question, I think you should tell him what you've seen and he needs to talk about it, the refusal to talk about his emotions wouldn't wash with me when he has been talking about sex with a younger female and the only reason he won't go there is because he has a senior role! I would be fuming, I am not sure I could forgive that level of disrespect and I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.

All of the posters who are saying "You've done worse than him because you looked through his phone" are the same knob-shines who would say "Just ask him" when OP says she suspects something is wrong. 🙄

If she asks him is he likely to tell the truth? No.
He also doesn't talk about his feelings as OP has said.

So what do you think she should do then? Just carry on wondering?
I mean, she wasn't wrong, he's a sleaze and potentially a cheat. With what he's written alone, even if he hadn't cheated, the way he's disrespected her, he isn't the man she thought he was anyway.

And as for it being 'just' male banter, then that shows how truly pathetic some men are and how low the bar is.

Obviously some idiots are perfectly fine with an emotionally cold, disrespectful husband, because that's what "mens are like". Foul.

I'm not saying that no woman should ever check their partner's phone. I'm saying that if you do so, you should be bloody sure you know what you're going to find, because by doing it there's a good chance you'll implode your relationship anyway.

I've never cheated. I never will. I expect my partner to trust me that I won't cheat on her, and that if for whatever reason she doesn't, then to talk to me about it. If she ever decides she can't trust me enough to do that, and that she needs to invade my privacy that badly, than as far as I'm concerned there's no saving the relationship anyway.

What's on my phone is mine. It'd be as much an invasion as if someone could read my mind.

He's not saying it to her. He's saying it in a private conversation to a friend outside of his working environment.

With my first DH,I suddenly got the urge to check his phone, no I idea why.

Two mins later I had discovered his affair. When confronted, he made out I had committed a worse offence than him. There are no words.

Here we go with the handmaidens!

He's disgusting OP, I really don't know how you can stay with him after reading that?
Surely at the very least, go to Relate and thrash it out.

I would do more than go down his phone, I would set a honey trap.. I would get proof of it and then LTB. Women need to trust their instincts more! No more fannying about get it sorted. If I am wrong then I would still question why I would go to such lengths and them not make me feel more secure in my marriage.