Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

Do you have a family together?

Rude. I don’t think the term you are looking for obtuse. The poster asked a straightforward question.
I’ve never heard the expression either. I’m assuming it’s an American TikTok thing but could be Northern. I’m curious.

Neither had I but it was obvious what she was saying. And nobody who's just seen that on her husband's phone needs the Mumsnet "what does it meeeeeean".

I guess this is how people get married to serial killers and don't know. Bit extreme but that's where never snooping can lead. I've never snooped, but if something feels off, I absolutely would. If I suspected my husband of cheating and putting me at risk of STDs and all sorts, his privacy would not be my priority.

There are more reasons to leave a husband than just they cheated. How about they are a disgusting human and you lose all respect for them. Does he have any other remarkable traits that would make you want to keep him? Yuk. Aim higher.

This would give me the ick, he’s a creep. Men like this are so unattractive.

If you challenge him, he knows you’ve been looking on his phone, not encouraging snooping, been there done that suffered the consequences, but if you have some suspicion, letting him know simply leads to denial, arguing and changing password , personally, from experience, say nothing, keep an eye if that’s what you feel you need to do and talk to him if things continue

Saints preserve us.

So you'd be entirely comfortable with your partner of 12 years speaking that way about a 22 year old colleague?

OP - he's acting colder. He's attracted to a work colleague. Be viligant...it won't be long till he slips up

We all know what gaslighting is so stop trying to gaslight about gaslighting. You imbecile.

There are loads of posts on here from women who suspect that their husband or partner is interested in another woman, particularly when they start to be really distant and secretive with their phones when they have previously been quite open with them.

The women ask them what's going on and their concerns are dismissed but the behaviour continues.

What are they supposed to do? Often, checking their partners' phones is the only way to get an answer and if Mumsnet is anything to go on, they always find the evidence of cheating on there. In the past before smart phones, more affluent women would hire private detectives to get the evidence they needed.

There's always a change in behaviour that arouses suspicions. It's a horrible position to be in.

What is this sanctimonious bs going on here? I have been team “never ever ever snoop” before and all it got me was cheated on for longer than it needed to be. I should have snooped the second I thought something was off.

I’d be livid with how casual he is about it and yes, I’d be bringing it up.

You must be on another planet.

OP - whether it’s banter or confirmation that he’s a cheater, it’s not acceptable either way and I’d be devastated by the way he talks about other women behind your back. I’d have to say something and would insist on having his password too. You only gain trust by being trustworthy.

Andrew Tate, is that you?

This made me sick to my stomach. My beautiful dd is 22. I would hate to think that senior male colleagues were sending aubergine emojis and guffawing over her like a pair of grubby pervs. Poor young woman. I can’t believe that in 2025 women still have to put up with this kind of sexual objectification and disrespect in the workplace.

I have no advice for you op. You married this juvenile prick and have already made up your mind to stick with it. He’s an absolute loser who has no respect for you or other woman but hey it’s ’just banter’ right?

If he hasn't cheated on you before it's only because he hasn't had the chance. His friend knows he would cheat on you too otherwise he wouldn't have said what he did. The only reason he isn't trying with thus woman is because he doesn't want to jeopardise his career, he doesn't care about his marriage.

Shithouse comment!

I would say "Dave, you have been acting oddly lately so I looked through your phone. I am sorry I breached this trust, however I found some shit on it I am not happy with... lets talk Dave..."

“And I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband”.

yeah you need to rephrase that to “so don’t think my husband went anywhere near HER”.

sounds like he’s got priors based on the fact he would’ve tried it on with her a few years ago.

Wow can you imagine how he would feel if you where the woman the aubergine emoji was aimed at? Would it just banter then? Someone being a creep about his wife. Macho, power trip, bollocks.

The friend seems very casual when he asks if your husband will try it on with the 22 year old. Like that's the norm with them. Zero concern from both about your husband being married.

Why talk about emotions when he can say it with the aubergine emoji. Yuck what a creep.

You’re also using it correctly, yet I’m the imbecile? Give me strength.

I can’t believe the first loads of replies! Ignore them, disgusting. Sorry OP but he is fucking grim.
The talking about women
The aubergine at her age and sweetness
The hint at cheating

I don’t think snooping is as bad as some people but maybe I feel that way because my H and I are very open with our phones. He will ask me to check a message while he’s driving or send a message if I’m using his phone (he has Apps that I don’t). So I don’t need to snoop because I see everything anyway. I’m a very honest person and there is nothing that I say in my messages that I wouldn’t share with him if he wanted to know (even if it was about him). To me that’s just how a relationship works.

My H has non PC banter with his friends but if I ever saw messages like that I would be extremely hurt. The conversation seems to heavily imply he’s cheated before and his friend knows what he’s like. It also gives his work reputation as the only reason not to cheat this time. It’s insulting to you and shows you have absolutely no value to him. That’s never funny to me even if he didn’t mean it. There are some things you don’t joke about — and disrespecting your wife is unforgivable. I would be doubting his loyalty. But also why be with someone who can’t express their emotions and is cold with you? Do you have kids? This is not the type of man you want to make yourself vulnerable to.