To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

This poster was pointing out something that is very likely the case

but you got very angry with the idea that an alcoholic, clearly telling his friends not to invite his wife to a notorious resort - is not interested in you and wouldn’t hesitate to get his leg over someone else (not that he’d be in any fit state to I imagine)

Yes I do have friends, some are nearby some are in London where I work. I’m a bit of an introvert so in my spare time I like exploring places (sometimes with my husband), doing crafts, going for dinner with a friend…

And you reply yes

if he isn’t then be no issue to stay at home 3/4 times a week and not drink anything

let alone the money he spends

glad you don’t want kids as you don’t want them to have a dad like that

he isn’t fussed about you and didn’t rise to protect you

I’m not angry. I said it’s unhelpful for certain people to get their imaginations run riot about MY LIFE when there is no evidence or indication that he is cheating or doing drugs or whatever.

No indication that cheating?

aside from leaving you multiple times a week for hours at a time

aside from evidently telling his friends not to invite his wife

heading off to a pretty notoriously promiscuous resort?

If he is cheating op…. It’s nothing for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed about

Arrange dinner with a friend and off load

@EasySqueezy25 you keep saying you arent invited but he has asked you!!

He’s the one who told me about it and invited me.

Urgh this doesn't sound good, sorry. I agree with other posters... sounds like he's not 100% into the marriage.. I don't think you are happy and should think deep about what you are going to do about this

Let him go, let him go!
Don't let him hold you back anymore!
Let him go, let him go
Turn away and slam the door
You don't care what they're going to say,
Let the storm rage on
The a*ho** never bothered you anyway!!

Alcohol is a drug. My long term bf was also an alcoholic , would not drink at home, but in the pub every lunch time and evening till closing time.

I know you cannot leave right now, but if I were you, I’d plan and save and forget about going with on the birthday. Check out, mentally. Before you drive yourself nuts. I’d start saving and organise it so while he’s away on his birthday jaunt, that’s when you leave. So you’re gone when he gets back. You find a cheap rental, get a lawyer, start divorce , but it helps with the mental state if you know you have a solution in the works, even if it takes a year to accomplish. Then the house goes on the market or he buys you out. Either way..he’s a road to nowhere. Find a better path for you

This is not about friends organising a birthday party, it's about how you deal with a husband who is an alcoholic, and the practicalities of leaving him. It seems you have nothing much to lose - provided you can sell the house, hopefully you can leave him behind if you want to - not easy but at least you don't have kids to worry about.

This is on him if you weren’t invited and he spends 7 HOURS AT THE PUB??? Does he have a job??

Dig deep and find your self respect. This man doesn’t love you, he loves alcohol. Know your worth and find yourself a real man, not an excuse of one.

I personally would not be compatible with someone who spends hours every week at a pub but it’s probably his only sense of community …. Sorry it sounds like you are being disrespected and need to make him move out with one of the locals. He child’s include you in his birthday plans, I think, but I’m not super big into birthdays so I don’t know

It's not a secret if she told him things need to improve or she's walking

Oh he has checked out - maybe has a side chick taking her to his 40th celebrations? Regardless who does not invite their wife to go - he has probably painted you as problematic hence the pub pals snide comments. Take stock - get rid - regain some self respect and leave the idiot to it.

It’s actually astonishing how people think it’s ok to say things like that, particularly when I have said HE was the one who told me about it and invited me.

but that is not what you wrote in the opening post

'Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.
I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.
**

And I would not want to go anyway so your DH is happy to go off boozing for a week as he and his friends know that absolutely doesn’t appeal to you, so his belated invitation after it’s all been organised is meaningless. He knows you’d hate it; but he’d still prefer to go. His priorities are all skewed by his bad drinking habits and the boozy company he keeps.

What prompted your marriage after 4 years together to a man with an alcohol dependency? Had he promised to stop drinking?

I think if you’re honest with yourself you know his mates haven’t organised anything for him. He wants to go away with them for his birthday because he knows it will be full of things he likes ie, getting pissed. He knows you’d not be happy if he told you he wants to go away with his mates on the lash to Benidorm so he or together, they’ve cooked up a cock and bull story about them planning it for him with him having had no input. He saves a bit of nagging from you as it’s his mates (who you dislike anyway) who get the blame plus he gets to go away, it’s a win win for him. I don’t believe it for one second, I’ve worked in local pubs and most of the local ‘characters’ couldn’t have arranged a piss up from their bar stool never mind a trip abroad.

Make your plans and get out. He won’t change.

So you quote it and still don’t understand what it says! As you have quoted, the OP says she has not been contacted by any of the pub friends and your quote about not being invited quite clearly relates to the pub friends

Agreed. There is little likelihood that the friends booked a holiday in secret and then presented it to him as a done deal.

Far more likely they were all in the pub together and said “hey what shall we do for your birthday?” And the plan was made together.

I don’t actually think having a holiday with your mates is necessarily a bad thing, I have friends who’ve had a girls trip for big birthdays (and not invited their partners!) It’s not been INSTEAD of celebrating with their families, it’s been an extra treat. But I am sure they will have discussed it with their partner before booking.

As I have said previously, there has been an escalation in the last few months. He used to go once or twice a week for a more reasonable amount of time.