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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

233 replies

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:19

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

OP posts:
3max · 09/07/2025 13:34

This op seems to feel like her husband having an affair would be shameful for her and that by saying we think he’s very likely cheated / cheating / planning to cheat is some kind of indictment of the Op.

OP, it isn’t you. If he’s having an affair, and I’d hazard a guess that if hasn’t had at least a sloppy leg over in the past, it will almost certainly happen in the future and it sounds like he might even be planning it

3max · 09/07/2025 13:35

EasySqueezy25 · 09/07/2025 07:32

It’s actually astonishing how people think it’s ok to say things like that, particularly when I have said HE was the one who told me about it and invited me.

Show quote history

But op - suggest you read your own OP

if your husband really did invite you then his friends obviously assumed that you knew

PeapodMcgee · 09/07/2025 15:05

3max · 09/07/2025 13:34

This op seems to feel like her husband having an affair would be shameful for her and that by saying we think he’s very likely cheated / cheating / planning to cheat is some kind of indictment of the Op.

OP, it isn’t you. If he’s having an affair, and I’d hazard a guess that if hasn’t had at least a sloppy leg over in the past, it will almost certainly happen in the future and it sounds like he might even be planning it

This is mad, there is no indication of the sort. Why do people want to insist there is any more to it than a problem drinker? OP knows that's 'enough' to leave in itself, not that anyone needs a reason to leave at all.

Stop trying to whip up drama and bully the OP.

Br1256 · 09/07/2025 21:09

Could you get his sister on side/talk to him ….it might give you a breathing space while you sort out what you want to do

good luck anyway

Original poster
EasySqueezy25 · 09/07/2025 22:08

PeapodMcgee · 09/07/2025 15:05

This is mad, there is no indication of the sort. Why do people want to insist there is any more to it than a problem drinker? OP knows that's 'enough' to leave in itself, not that anyone needs a reason to leave at all.

Stop trying to whip up drama and bully the OP.

Show quote history

Thank you for your kind words. Bullying is exactly right - I came on here for advice around what appears to be alcoholism and I have these ghastly huns pointing the finger and saying he’s probably shagging around and doing drugs too.
They don’t care that I’m going through a very stressful situation and are trying to heap further anxiety on me for no reason other than “dramz” and sh*t stirring. It is disgusting.

OP posts:
Lilyricker · 12/07/2025 15:31

Strawberryfields1756 · 07/07/2025 19:44

his “friend” wouldn’t be making comments about you if he thought your husband would care or pull him up on it. I’m sorry to say it to you, but I used to work in a pub and the sort of regulars you’re talking about (majority) had zero respect for their wives / girlfriends. The conversations would be vulgar, and they’d all be on best behaviour if the partners were ever there. I’d often be shocked to see those who had partners or wives just due to the way they’d behave every day. You deserve much better. It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you, and that’s why his friends don’t. Although they’re not true friends by the sounds of things, they’re drinking buddies. This trip for his 40th has obviously been discussed with him involved in the idea, they’ve probably all been well up for it and he’s just telling you it was their idea / them who have organised it to make it seem like it’s out of his control and to keep you off his back x

I used to overhear men like this in the local pubs- drinking and calling their partners worse than st, saying nasty things about their looks/bodies etc (also boys at college moaning like this about their girlfriends, yet they were still happy to keep shagging her). I used to think "then why the fk are you with her then?!". The answer is simple: Sex. These men simply aren't fussy and will take anything as long as she has a functioning fanny, because they're such losers (and deep down they know this) and will take whatever sex they can get. They don't see a woman/human being, it's simply a fanny. Plus in most cases also a cook, cleaner and carer 🙄

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:42

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:55

Deep down I think I know this. Which is why I’ve got a deadline in my head and if things aren’t dramatically better I will leave him. I told him this last night.

Show quote history

When is your deadline @EasySqueezy25 ?

Any improvements since you told him the deadline?

and Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

so he “told” you and also “invited” you?

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