To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

Why are you with him if you’re unhappy and he’s out multiple evenings a week boozing without you?

Sounds like he’s checked out tbh.

You are worth so much more than this man.

This is no marriage. Why are you putting yourself through this?

Get rid, he sounds like a waste of space

Cocklodger.

Fuck him off!

I like a drink and think MN can be quite puritanical about anyone enjoying the odd night out, but up to 7 hours, several times a week- that's a serious drinking problem. He doesn't want to back off from his friends because they make it seem normal.

Whenever I meet someone who spends that sort of time at the pub, they’re an alcoholic.

Im willing to believe that some might not be, but I think it’s unusual.

Tbh if the person who was snide about you doesn’t know you, then they got that attitude to you from your husband.

Thank you. I’d never thought about it that way. Some of them are full blown alcoholics and I think my husband is heading that way. His late mother was a vodka for breakfast alcoholic and his sister was an alcoholic too but has been dry for a long time.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

No, the comment was in reference to something I said to my husband that the tw*t friend interpreted as me “having a go at him”. My comment was “why don’t you get a chair and sit beside me?”…

Sounds like my ex husband. He will n e V e r put you first. Leave whilst you have your sanity.

Deep down I think I know this. Which is why I’ve got a deadline in my head and if things aren’t dramatically better I will leave him. I told him this last night.

He is 100% down that pub, bitching about you to all his 'great mates'.

Ditch the alcohol-dependent loser.

If you haven't already, don't have kids with this man. Without them, you can split and never have contact again; kids will tie you to him for life.

I agree he's bitching about you to his mates.

I've sat and listened to men doing this before. It's very disloyal.🙁

When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Luckily I have never wanted kids.

I agree with pp. Even as a beer lover, this is a problem.

He is not heading towards alcoholism. He is an alcoholic I am sure...

You can do better

one of two things will happen at your deadline. You leave him, or you decide that even though he hasn’t improved in behaviour or cut down on drinking you will give him another chance. There is no possibility of a third outcome where he’s a changed man by your deadline. (There might be a possibility of separation helping him realise he needs to change, that one is a long road. If it’s this, do not let him move back in before minimum 6 months and probably should be a year.)

Women of Mumsnet and any men, if you have children and your partner is an alcoholic, get them out. Support them, but not to live with your children. Support your children to feel loved and enough by being present, caring and sober. This man is a classic example of alcoholic mother and then there are two alcoholic children, children need to be kept away from seeing that. I know this isn’t relevant to you op, but it’s just so storybook.

I don’t know why I’ve never look this up before but the average British man visits the pub 4.5 times a MONTH. My husband visits at least three times more than that. That’s very stark and frightening.

Oh god, I hate ‘friends’ like this. They try to demonise any woman in their pal’s life, and are deeply adhered to misogynistic tropes about women being boring, stifling fun sponges. Ugh, just fuck off.

Gal, you deserve more than this ♡

The fact that he hasn't invited you to go away with a mixed group of people for his 40th is bizarre. He doesn't sound like a husband at all. Does he drink at home too? Do you spend any quality time together? I can't really see why you are with him.

My Dad was a 'pub person' barely missed a day his entire life. He didn't drink at home really and some nights he just went for a couple of pints (although often a lot more).

Your DH's priority is the pub, the pub friends and the beer. If you don't like that life then I am afraid you are destined to be miserable or to split up. I'd cut to the chase if I was you and end it now.

He’s the one who told me about it and invited me.
No he doesn’t drink at home, that’s his boundary. The more I think about this the more I think it’s because he thinks his mum was always drunk AT HOME and if he’s not like that, then he can’t be an alcoholic.

Why has he got a secret deadline, and not dumped now?

I have considered leaving now but I want to give him a chance even if it might be futile, and I also need time to plan if I leave - I have no family nearby and no friends who could accommodate me for more than a few nights.
I don’t think I could afford to rent anywhere and besides, if my marriage ends I think I’d rather return to my own country and start fresh.