To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

I don't think it's necessarily the number of pub visits in itself, as some towns/villages have a social life that revolves around the pubs, but the other stuff you've mentioned - going alone (to meet up with other drinkers), staying for hours and hours, drinking so much that his behaviour significantly changes, being defensive when spoken to about drinking - are sure fire signs he's an alcoholic tbh.

Are you vulnerable? Do you have any joint assets like house?

Move on & leave him to his drinking. He can drown his sorrows with his mates. What a self-centered man-child.

I have no concerns whatsoever about him being violent, there has never once been so much as a hint of it.
We own a house together (mortgaged).

Your husband will have told his friends that he doesn’t want you to come Op

Please don’t waste any more time on him op, he won’t change and it’s likely he’ll just drag you further down with him.
Dh’s stepmum was miserable married to her husband who was a big drinker down the pub with his mates. In the end she was home alone every night and he was living it up.
My own dh goes to the pub most weeks, on a Thursday evening to play darts and catch up with his school friends. He enjoys a drink, will have a few pints over a couple of hours at the pub but I think it’s always been in the back of his mind how wrong his dad got it, drinking his first marriage away (to dhs mum) and the same with his second and he has always resolved to not become like his dad.
Your dh seems to be sliding downwards - please find it in yourself to leave. You don’t have dc tying you together, this is a massive bonus.

Some people just really want this pub life. It becomes all consuming and they all think they are amazing because they have so many “friends”. I’ve seen it with relatives. Most of the people there have serious issues.

He has checked out, otherwise he would want to go away with you.

If I were you, and I had a family in a home country elsewhere, I would sort my life out and go back.
Your husband is an alcoholic. He knows he is, but kids himself he’s not because he’s not drinking at home.
He is 40 soon and is about to start suffering from really unpleasant health issues which will lead to an early death. It’s that stark. No body can withstand what’s he doing to it.
It is no life for you.
And I am sorry but a gang of 40 year old men going to Benidorm is for one reason only - tk get pissed 24/7. Nothing wrong with it for a break or holiday but you do see a lot of heavy drinkers in groups. They look a bit sad.
He clearly does not care that you are clearly on your own a lot, or that he’s awful to deal with when drunk.
If you are around the same age you have many years to go to live a good life.

Don't be angry at the "pub friends". Ultimately they don't owe you anything.
Be angry at your husband, who has promised to love and cherish you and stand by your side always, who spends hours down the pub each week without you, has agreed to planning a 40th in a way that doesn't include you, and is a dick to you (to quote your own post) regularly.

Spending time separately and going away with friends all good . Heavy drinking, being a dick, not defending you all valid reasons to leave.

Me and my DH love the pub, love darts, karaoke and pool, used to go several times a week (not drinking every time). It’s our shared hobby I guess, shared being the operative word. This might sound harsh but it sounds like he’s going to the pub to avoid you. He knows you don’t like it and won’t go. He also didn’t stand up for you?? That’s out of order.

I don’t want to be mean and I’m saying this to help you, but it sounds like he’s doesn’t like you very much. When we go down the pub we see many a man sat there, slagging his wife to his mates… or worse, the ones that drink alone then come and try and slag their wives to us. Good news, you have no kids so it would be easier to leave if you want to, but you have to want to.

Good luck OP, I hope I'm wrong and he shapes up for you.

Yeah - my Dad learned the hard way that most of his 'pub friends' weren't friends at all when he got ill. I suspect that's the case for most people. The relationships are very shallow.

At least its not to thousands of strangers on an internet forum....

I believe everyone needs an outlet to let off steam re their spouse. Mumsnet would go under if not. So this is a ridiculous double standard

However,

OP - Leave this man, he wants to be single and you deserve better

Double post

40?????? sounds more like 14!!! What a juvenile shit your DH husband is to put his pub mates before you and what ultimately could be his marriage!

It might be helpful to look at Al-anon OP - it will be eye opening just reading their info.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it & you can't cure it.

This is nothing to do with you & everything to do with him. Imagine the money he's wasted & the damage to his long term health.

You're miserable. He's not interested.

Start the divorce. He's not worth 'waiting' for.

I agree with IV Bumble. Al Anon was helpful for me. I told my alcoholic ex to leave. He did. Divorced and luckily no children.

Tell him to go to Benidorm and not to come back.

TesChique, you seem to be likening people on an anonymous forum - Mumsnet in this case - who complain about their partner, to someone who moans about their partner in real life, and when all parties know each other.

But you can't legitimately compare the two different situations to each other, because they are two totally different situations! Do you genuinely not understand the massive difference between the two?

Some people dont like the word 'alcoholic' - call it 'problematic' if it makes him and you feel better.

How much is he spending of your joint family money on his habit?

@£5/pint for 6 pints, 4 nights a week is £120 or nearly £7,000 or roughlt £10,000 of his salary.

He cant be very functional the next day putting away 55-60 units of alcohol a week (assuming its larger? and this is Quadruple the MAX recommended for a man / week) - assume your sexlife, romatic life, social life. home life is bleak?

You must be emotionally and physically lonely.

Have a look at Al Anon for families of drinkers - they will help your through understanding your own contribution to his drinking (yes you are inadvertently enabling his alcoholism) and how to 'detach with love'.

Its a progressive disease - his health and wealth will implode - its a 'when' not 'if' - get yourself out before he loses his job and runs up mortgage arrears and his health collapses and you are his carer wiping his arse.

Also who wants to go to Benidorm with all the drunks from the pub to celebrate their 40th?!

It’s not like he’s turning 70. I can’t imagine anything my dh would have wanted to do less in his late 30s.

Yeah, an old pisshead.

Your husband is an alcoholic and what you've described isn't a marriage. If he's out every evening at the pub, when are you spending any time together? Sell the house and leave. There is no way this is going to get better.

He is deluding himself. He IS an alcoholic - just slightly different from his mum, so he can delude himself that he isn’t. Alcohol is the love of his life - not you. It will never be you.

You facilitate his lifestyle and keep it stable - and are a wholesome fig leaf, but you deserve to be more than a fig leaf op.