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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

233 replies

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:19

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PopeJoan2 · 07/07/2025 20:49

could you make your move and get away from him while he is away with his idiot friends? Imagine if he got back to find that you’ve left him. It might sober him up.

notanothersummercold · 07/07/2025 21:14

restingbitchface30 · 07/07/2025 20:00

This sounds identical to my aunties 24 year relationship. Her husband started going out a few times a week, she wasn’t interested in joining him. Turns out he was having an affair with someone in his friend group. I used to ask her why she puts up with him going out and away so much. She really didn’t mind or make a fuss. Then she got left for another woman. Don’t be a doormat. You aren’t his priority and likely never will be.

Me too. I used to enjoy having the house to myself turns out he was knocking the barmaid off for years and everyone knew but Mr.

MarvellousMonsters · 07/07/2025 21:31

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 15:05

Luckily I have never wanted kids.

Show quote history

This is an huge relief. Next time he says ‘are you saying I’m an alcoholic?’ Reply “yes”. If he won’t seek help and stop spending all his time in the pub with his ‘mates’; leave.

lifeonmars100 · 07/07/2025 21:49

Aside from wrecking your relationship and his liver, what on earth is it costing him to go drinking for hours on end several evenings a week? I hardly ever go to the pub, almost all of them have closed down where I live but there is one good one and I go with a mate once in a blue moon for a meal and a couple of drinks and it is not cheap!

lifeonmars100 · 07/07/2025 21:51

CurlewCelia · 07/07/2025 19:27

You could be describing my uncle. He died of cirrhosis of the liver aged 47.

So did one of my brothers in law

Dawnb19 · 07/07/2025 21:59

He sounds like my FIL. He's the most selfish person you'll every meet and drinks every Friday night to Sunday. He doesn't drink during the week or at home but he definitely has a drinking problem. He'll never change.
As for your husband going away id be really annoyed. Why doesn't he want to spend he's 40th with you? You could go on a nice weekend away or something.

localnotail · 07/07/2025 22:24

Seven hours at the pub? That's almost a whole working day. Several times a week?... Has he got any liver left...

CurlewCelia · 07/07/2025 22:34

lifeonmars100 · 07/07/2025 21:51

So did one of my brothers in law

Show quote history

He only ever drank pints of beer, never spirits.

ThistleTits · 07/07/2025 22:37

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:47

Thank you. I’d never thought about it that way. Some of them are full blown alcoholics and I think my husband is heading that way. His late mother was a vodka for breakfast alcoholic and his sister was an alcoholic too but has been dry for a long time.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

Show quote history

Say, yes I am.
He must be spending some amount of money in the pub too. He is with his pub pals more than he's with you. I doubt I would hang around for his 40th birthday.

Poppybob · 07/07/2025 22:50

Tbh....the 40th in benidorm sounds like it would be a nightmare..no fun at all. Just really drunk people in crappy pubs. They'll be in bed hungover most of the day and roaring drunk at night.....fun!!!!! Even if they did invite you I wouldn't be going.

fetchacloth · 07/07/2025 22:59

He seems to have a serious alcohol problem that's only going to get worse over time. Think carefully if you still want to spend the rest of your life with him, especially if you intend to have a family.
He doesn't seem very grown up to me.

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/07/2025 23:07

PermanentTemporary · 07/07/2025 14:47

Whenever I meet someone who spends that sort of time at the pub, they’re an alcoholic.

Im willing to believe that some might not be, but I think it’s unusual.

Tbh if the person who was snide about you doesn’t know you, then they got that attitude to you from your husband.

This, I’m afraid, OP.

Bluddyellfire · 07/07/2025 23:07

Ciarogue · 07/07/2025 16:15

Some people dont like the word 'alcoholic' - call it 'problematic' if it makes him and you feel better.

How much is he spending of your joint family money on his habit?

@£5/pint for 6 pints, 4 nights a week is £120 or nearly £7,000 or roughlt £10,000 of his salary.

He cant be very functional the next day putting away 55-60 units of alcohol a week (assuming its larger? and this is Quadruple the MAX recommended for a man / week) - assume your sexlife, romatic life, social life. home life is bleak?

You must be emotionally and physically lonely.

Have a look at Al Anon for families of drinkers - they will help your through understanding your own contribution to his drinking (yes you are inadvertently enabling his alcoholism) and how to 'detach with love'.

Its a progressive disease - his health and wealth will implode - its a 'when' not 'if' - get yourself out before he loses his job and runs up mortgage arrears and his health collapses and you are his carer wiping his arse.

6 pints in 5-7 hours I'd say is a conservative estimate if he's doing it most nights. I know somebody (been involved with him twice, shame on me, never again) who easily gets through twice that amount no messing, every night. A few years ago he was advised by his GP to cut down, so he ditched the double whiskey chasers he'd been ordering with every pint on his way home from work, swapped to Guinness from lager and declared himself a reformed character. How he's held on to a job all this time is beyond me (needs work so he can afford the booze), he cheerfully told me that he used to work at one place and they'd regularly come in of a morning and find him asleep on a pile of hi vis in the corner of the office having been too fubard to get home.

OP - I don't think your patience is going to pay off, I'm sorry.

Tahlbias · 07/07/2025 23:09

As other posters have said, he is an alcoholic!

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/07/2025 23:12

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:47

Thank you. I’d never thought about it that way. Some of them are full blown alcoholics and I think my husband is heading that way. His late mother was a vodka for breakfast alcoholic and his sister was an alcoholic too but has been dry for a long time.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

Show quote history

Yes. Yes, you are. And that response pretty much confirms it tbh…

Hedgehogbrown · 07/07/2025 23:24

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:47

Thank you. I’d never thought about it that way. Some of them are full blown alcoholics and I think my husband is heading that way. His late mother was a vodka for breakfast alcoholic and his sister was an alcoholic too but has been dry for a long time.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

Show quote history

Well he is an alcoholic. Let him go, then consider if you want to still be with him.

Hedgehogbrown · 07/07/2025 23:29

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 17:50

Sorry, it was that it’s a big crowd and yet no one had discussed it with me, his wife, or thought to invite me to my husband’s 40th, which I thought I’d be planning. It’s the fact they (and he) are acting like he’s a single man.

Show quote history

That's all on him. How do you think he talks about you when he is in the pub? It does sound like he has checked out of the marriage really.

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/07/2025 23:30

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 17:29

No - we both work in the criminal justice system!

I’ve suggested marriage counselling before but it was an immediate “no”…

Show quote history

Yeah, it’s REALLY doubtful he’ll change, and I think the only hope of that is after you’ve separated and he sees you’re serious and misses you. Maybe then, maybe…

He’s clearly unhappy too but choosing to hangout down the pub rather than talk to you, try to resolve things.

How is he with you when he’s not down the pub?

I’m sorry OP. Personally, I suggest you crack on with your exit strategy… 😕

NoelFaraday · 07/07/2025 23:32

Benidorm?

I’m so sorry op, you’ve married an oaf.

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/07/2025 23:32

I like a drink and think there’s nothing wrong with a trip to the pub.

7 hours a few times a week is ridiculous.
This sounds like it won’t get better.
You’ve no kids, you can be a free woman quite easily.
Don’t waste your life with this man.

Enough4me · 07/07/2025 23:38

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 17:50

Sorry, it was that it’s a big crowd and yet no one had discussed it with me, his wife, or thought to invite me to my husband’s 40th, which I thought I’d be planning. It’s the fact they (and he) are acting like he’s a single man.

Show quote history

He's told them how bad things are so they act like he's single. It's as though you're all waiting for the inevitable.

T1Dmama · 07/07/2025 23:39

Sorry OP but this man will never change.
He IS an alcoholic and the fact he is in so much denial of that will make it impossible to stop!
You've said your marriage is unhappy but he’s refused to seek marriage counselling…
His 40th Benidorm trip is just going to be a VERY VERY boozy weekend/week and I doubt he will even remember it afterwards… wouldn’t be surprised if he got drunk and fell asleep somewhere extremely dangerous - We had a guy get drunk and fall asleep on a beach near to where I live, many years ago now - but fell asleep and after several hours concerned citizens called him an ambulance…. He’d suffered 3rd degree burns to all the exposed part of his body and later died!!
last year two Brits went missing abroad after a night boozing, I remember one was found weeks later dead !

I do wonder @EasySqueezy25 what you get out of this marriage? It seems like he makes you utterly miserable. You don’t need to move out, just tell him it’s over and he can sleep in the spare room/on the couch or wherever until the house is sold, your debts cleared … and any equity split leaving you free to start a fresh somewhere else. Neither of you need to ‘move out and rent’….. but if someone was then it should be him since he appears to have friends and family nearby!

one thing is certain - Life is too short to be unhappy! Do not ‘settle’… pick yourself up from this relationship, and find yourself the happiness you deserve

Atsocta · 07/07/2025 23:42

Be gone when he gets back…that or change the locks, depending on your living arrangements, his already ditched you for drink and mates
Run!!!!

neilyoungismyhero · 07/07/2025 23:51

I was married to someone like this...Monday night no drinking...Tuesday football training drinking afterwards. Wednesday out with his dad playing snooker and drinking. Thursday more training and drinking. Friday start of weekend drinking with mates Saturday and Sunday lunchtime and evening. Sunday night at home no drinking. He wasn't an alcoholic just a boozer. It was horrendous, especially once the children arrived. I vowed never to get involved with another drinker. You'll never ever be a priority.