To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

It sounds like it is more than just the holiday that is the issue. The holiday is one of a few issues (and probably the least serious issue) - links into underlying problems eg

• A drink problem (being at the pub drinking up to 7 hours at a time a few times a week is a serious problem).
• Regular binge drinking = drinking enough in one session to exceed 8 units (men) usually 5+ pints of average beer or 6+ standard drinks. If someone spends 5–7 hours in the pub, it’s likely they are drinking well beyond this limit. That they do this a few times a week is a pattern of binge drinking (and alchoholism by the sound of it) and will pose a danger to their health and life.
• A brewing career problem (He must I presume go into work the following day after a 7 hour pub stint smelling of alcohol - how long before the employer flags this as an issue or before colleagues report it? This is unprofessional behaviours for which he could be disciplined or worse)
• A brewing health issue - you are describing binge drinking (check the definition) - it will be damaging his health potentially quite seriously and the damage will likely become apparent within the next five to ten years. Look into the health impact - they are not pleasant and it will all impact on you
• A brewing mental health issue - the drinking negatively impacts mental health which again will impact on you
• There is also that he let his friend speak to you disrespectfully - weak and rude and a red flag
• Then the holiday - possibly friends havent invited you on instructions from him. Possibly it will be a big long drinking session.

I was once with an alcoholic, we lived together. In 7 hours of drinking he could put away 10-15 pints. The more he drank the more he needed to drink in order to become drunk (which he liked). It began to cause issues at work either him not going in due to feeling rough and claiming he was sick, or making mistakes at work and being sent home. In the end he was dismissed. He got a new job and reined it in a bit but not long before the drinking was back in full swing. He regularly proved he was not an alcoholic by stopping drinking for a week or 2 then back to drinking. He shifted the drinking mainly to weekend benders so it didn't impact work. I left him, which meant that there was no one there to turn the gas fire down when he passed out / fell asleep in front of it (I always did that for him). He ended up melting the skin on his leg and needing a skin graft. I heard that but I never heard what became of him.

Personally I would spend some time working out a plan to leave him, prepare yourself. Because his problem will more and more become yours.

Do you have a group of friends op?

The point is that you don’t enjoy pubs so the time he spends there (possibly talking nonsense with pub friends) is time he doesn’t spend with you and it sounds like it is 4 very long sessions a week.

One of the pub friends disrespected you so it sounds like he may have a bit of a moan about you to the friends as they think it is ok to disrespect you in front of him.

You need to spend some of this time together, do you drink at all? Could you suggest having a drink together in the garden instead of him going to the pub?

Going to Benidorm for a boys weekend is pretty standard but if it is not just boys then you should expect an invite and discuss it.

You could be describing my uncle. He died of cirrhosis of the liver aged 47.

Op

your husband has told them not to invite you
your husband has given his friends the very clear impression that he’s about to be a single guy or they should already regard him9!

You know he is down at that pub every night slagging you off, don't you OP? These people have decided they do not like you based on what he has been saying and it seems they still think they are at school as they have all decided to have a get together and deliberately ostracize you. They are nothing but a bunch of pissed up, middle aged mean girls. You don't need to have a piss head in your life that uses you as a scape goat for every thing he is unhappy about - all he is doing is dragging you down.

I'm a man, and I visit a pub a few times a year now I'm married and a dad, no more than five or six I guess.
I'm not puritanical about it, indeed I think my wife gets out more than me.
I am very sorry you have to put up with this. I can't imagine any spouse putting up with their partner spending this much time away be it at a stamp collecting club or cycling around town, let alone abusing alcohol.
I hope you manage to leave him, and find genuine happiness. Clearly you deserve x100 more.

They are not joined at the hip, they can do things separately with friends. OP doesn't like the people at the pub, DP does, so the compromise he goes to the pub and OP doesn't. Why can't he have plans with them?

Does he know he could suddenly die of a stroke from excessive alcohol drinking? Or pick some of the other killers - oesophageal cancer, cirrhosis of the liver etc - what's his choice and who will nurse him?

OP, this organisation is for you:
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

And even ignoring the alcohol problem, he's not a good partner is he?! Not loving at all, he spends most of his time in the pub without you, he doesn't stick up for you when his friend is an arse to you, and he's not bothered about celebrating a milestone birthday without you.

I'm curious about your relationship history and your self-esteem. Perhaps you were not taught to believe that you deserve much better than this.

I was married to someone like this. He went to the pub alone Thursday to Sunday for between 4 to 12 hours at a time.

What happens is you spend more and more time apart and the divide gets bigger and bigger.

I ended the marriage after 5 years.

He's still the same twenty years later. He's single now and still sitting in the pub for hours on end. Nothing changes.

Best thing I ever did. Don't waste your life waiting.

Multiple times a week, long hours at the pub? He has a drinking problem and I would be very surprised if drinking is all that’s going on. Pub drinking goes hand in hand with drugs.

Personally, I’d go to the Benidorm trip too, if nothing else to get a feel of what else is going on.

his “friend” wouldn’t be making comments about you if he thought your husband would care or pull him up on it. I’m sorry to say it to you, but I used to work in a pub and the sort of regulars you’re talking about (majority) had zero respect for their wives / girlfriends. The conversations would be vulgar, and they’d all be on best behaviour if the partners were ever there. I’d often be shocked to see those who had partners or wives just due to the way they’d behave every day. You deserve much better. It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you, and that’s why his friends don’t. Although they’re not true friends by the sounds of things, they’re drinking buddies. This trip for his 40th has obviously been discussed with him involved in the idea, they’ve probably all been well up for it and he’s just telling you it was their idea / them who have organised it to make it seem like it’s out of his control and to keep you off his back x

For the birthday trip specifically, a lot depends on whether the two of you normally celebrate birthdays together. IF he's given his pub friends the impression that you ignore his birthday AND they know he sometimes goes away on friends' trips without you and that's normal (and that scheduling is mostly fluid if the two of you have no shared responsibilities that would require scheduling time away from home), then I can see that they possibly did this as a surprise / birthday present and presented him with a fait accompli. In that case, his telling you about it and inviting you MIGHT be OK. It was weird of the friends not to check the dates with you in advance. If you've planned things for previous birthdays or mentioned anything about planning this one, he's being an arsenal (and childish to blame his friends - a big boy made me do it and ran away!)

I’ve suggested marriage counselling before but it was an immediate “no”…

Seems like a red flag as it means he's cutting off the possibility that things could ever improve. Does he admit that there's a problem in the relationship? Has he ever committed to doing anything to try to fix it, compromise, or close the gap between you?

What you do get out of this marriage?
What are the positives?

You say his friends treat him like he's single.

It's because he acts like he is.
Doesn't spend time with you & alcoholic is his first love.

From my own experience your husband if not already an Alcoholic has got a severe drinking problem.

Prettified as AUD. Alcoholic Use Disorder.

Many of them are also pathological liars

How do you lnow this story about the Benidorm birthday jaunt is true?

I would seriously start thinking about your future with this man.

Get out now before things really get get a lot worse.

His friends probably know you dislike them so why would they reach out?
your husband invited you, isn’t that enough?
also, I’d leave, he sounds vile.

This sounds identical to my aunties 24 year relationship. Her husband started going out a few times a week, she wasn’t interested in joining him. Turns out he was having an affair with someone in his friend group. I used to ask her why she puts up with him going out and away so much. She really didn’t mind or make a fuss. Then she got left for another woman. Don’t be a doormat. You aren’t his priority and likely never will be.

Your first post I wondered if he had a problem with alcohol, your second post confirmed it especially the following :

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

What would he do if you said Yes I do!
Unless he’s willing to do something about it there’s not allot you can do about his behavior - only you're own x

OP, I worked in pubs for years. I lived this life. There were times when I spent pretty much all my waking hours in pubs. Many of my pub friends have stayed friends decades on. The friendships can be real and deep - because they're the people you spend the most time with, and who quite often see you at your worst, but still hang out with you.

One of the things I remember most clearly, in retrospect, is wondering where everyone else was. Thinking who were these people who never came to the pub, how boring they must be, just home watching telly or whatever (forgive me, I was young and stupid - now I'm old and sober). That life - and it is a life - is all-encompassing. When you're in it, especially if you have an alcohol dependency (true of most of those who are in it) everything else fades into the background - boring people in shades of grey, home watching telly or nagging or whatever. To your husband's friends, you simply don't count. Perhaps you don't even exist.

Now I'm all grown up and have an actual life and barely drink at all, I can see how monochrome and repetitive the pub life is. But you cannot persuade someone in it to extract themselves if that's where they want to be. If you want to keep living life in colour, you're going to have to do it without him.

Do you really want to go to Benidorm with a bunch of boozers? Sounds like my idea of holiday hell. Benidorm is bad enough, but when you add a bunch of wino’s to the mix - no thank you.
I think the holiday is the least of your problems to be honest. You must be so lonely in your marriage. Sounds like he’s married to the booze, not you. I would advise you to get your ducks in a row and get out as soon as possible. Living with an alcoholic is not fun.

Make your plans but dont give him a chance hes an alcoholic who doesnt admit he is get out Asap

You deserve more than this treatment, its clear where his priorities are, he's more interested in spending time getting drunk with his drinking buddies than spending time with you

No, OP, I don't think she did miss any of that. She just stated the bleeding obvious that he'd rather be down the pub (or in Benidorm) with his mates than at home with you.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cruel, but this guy has already checked out of the marriage. I agree with the pp who said there are only two outcomes here:

• either he misses your ultimatum deadline and you leave him, or
• he misses your deadline and you give him another chance