Page 8 | To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2025 23:58

You don't want and don't have kids.
There is nothing at all tying you to this man.
You're not compatible.
You're not happy.
You don't want to be his carer in all age (none of his drinking buddies will).
There is a whole world of friends and hobbies and other romances out there.

I'm sure there are some things you like about him but you could just be friends not life partners.

Crazyworldmum · 08/07/2025 00:46

Your marriage is not a real marriage . He seems awful , you seem to just accept men are somehow this way ? They are not , it’s not normal for married man to go to the pub almost daily , it’s not ok not to defend you and it’s not ok to drink constantly and be a dick . You have only been married 2 years . Stop wasting more time with him . Find a real relationship and a man with better values

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/07/2025 01:43

You won’t listen to this but here goes anyway…

The pub is his social outlet and there likely is a fair amount of drinking that goes on (but there doesn’t have to be). For some the pub is no different than hanging out with friends at a coffee shop or visiting at friend at home. I have witnessed people hanging out regularly (for hours several times a week) nursing a beer or a glass of wine. You have self-selected out of that social sphere… fair enough, it’s not for you.

What you can’t be surprised or owly about is when that group of friends organizes something and leaves you out… they assume he will invite you and you will either go or not. They really don’t care.

Honestly until someone actually buys a ticket it’s all talk.

Now to your bigger question… which I’m not sure you asked is how compatible are you two? It sounds atm not very. You can’t change him so really your only option is to decide where your line in the sand is. I suggest you do that sooner than later for everyone’s sake.

ConcernedOfClapham · 08/07/2025 05:37

You sound like you have very little in common. How did you meet and fall in love in the first place? (are you both in love? It doesn’t sound like it)

Does he have any good points you can list?

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 05:37

This marriage will end when he ends it
and it will be in both your interests Op
this is no way to live

Emptynester67 · 08/07/2025 07:27

I was almost the wife you are until I told my husband it's either me and the children or his beer. Luckily he chose us but a sibling of mine with 3 children has an alcoholic husband and her life is terrible. The children have been severely affected by his drinking, their relationship with their father is very sad and my sister just puts up with it despite knowing he's an alcoholic. My advice is to confront him and he either gets help and changes or you will have to end your marriage for your own sake. Please don't waste your life living like this, you deserve much better x

sumayyah · 08/07/2025 07:53

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:19

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

Yeah my dad did alot of these things, always at the pub with his mates, coming home late to be nasty to mum and poke fun at his kids, going away with his pub mates fishing......... turns out he was having an affair since we were little and he was absent in our lives to spend his time helping her with her older kids

If he's doing this now so early into marriage, spending so much time away from you, only coming home just to sleep really then what's the point in staying with him? What are you getting out of the marriage?

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 08/07/2025 07:57

Sounds like club mentality, I had an ex who used to go to this working mans club, had been going for years, his sister and dad used to go too, rarely went anywhere else, there was a big group of them. The lads used to go to Benidorm every year, or for someone's special birthday and so on. Arrange trips to like the races and a local seaside town. Big bunch of them. He used to go in there nearly every day and weekends were spent in there. 15 years on, he is still single and still drinking in the club.

Thirl123 · 08/07/2025 08:51

There are so many red flags here and I really feel for you. There is no respect for you and you need to really think about your future happiness. He does not deserve you

Arctician · 08/07/2025 12:06

I hope the Exit deadline you have in your head is measured in days, rather than weeks or months or sometime or later ! There’s a whole world out there which doesn’t revolve around pub opening times - just waiting for YOU. You’re worth MUCH more than this kind of life. Deep breath. Move. Now.

Notbuzzinganymore · 08/07/2025 12:37

Sounds like you dont like the things he likes, was this the way it was before you were married? Or juat recently? Is it the pub or the alcohol he craves? They are two different things.

If he has a family history of alcoholism and you think he's got this illness, it probably says more about you than him that you would leave him because of his illness. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to see he has a problem and do something about it. You can tell yourself its a kindness to leave him.

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:19

Notbuzzinganymore · 08/07/2025 12:37

Sounds like you dont like the things he likes, was this the way it was before you were married? Or juat recently? Is it the pub or the alcohol he craves? They are two different things.

If he has a family history of alcoholism and you think he's got this illness, it probably says more about you than him that you would leave him because of his illness. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to see he has a problem and do something about it. You can tell yourself its a kindness to leave him.

He has always been a pub guy but it used to be once, maybe twice a week and has rapidly gotten out of hand in the last few months since he’s been taken away from his usual role and works from home most days because of an occupational health report (linked to a medical condition unrelated to alcohol).

OP posts:

Shelley108 · 08/07/2025 13:30

Sounds like a boring life for you OP I bet you do all the housework and running round too while he gets to live the life of Riley 🙄

My marriage was going downhill for a while. Dh kept saying he was working while I was at home with the kids. People were telling me he was at the pub but he kept saying they were winding me up. In hindsight I don’t think they were.
Then he told me he was going to Benidorm with a bunch of blokes from a working men’s club, all in their 40’s and 50’s. Dh was 44 🙄 we were renovating the kitchen at the time and he’d previously moaned cos I wanted to go to a Motown disco one night and spend £40 🤦🏻‍♀️ double standards.
He was taking someone’s place who couldn’t go as they’d had some health problems caused by booze and who’s wife left due to drink and pubs 🤷‍♀️
DH went for 4 nights I think and when he came home he said it wasn’t his cup of tea as everyone was drunk all the time 🤷‍♀️ we split up not long after this from a row that happened at this club car park cos his ND daughter wanted to go home and she had a huge meltdown when we did try to leave from being overstimulated and I ended up barred cos someone called the police and he must’ve blamed it all on me after I went home with the kids after the police spoke to us, best thing about it was I was completely sober cos I couldn’t drink due to toothache! His daughter had asked to go home but he carried on buying drinks 🙄 it was his friends birthday get together but his daughter should come first.
Well we stayed split and guess where he went earlier this year? Malta on another blokes holiday. 🤣 he’s welcome to them. They all think I’m the problem but I couldn’t care less. What they don’t know is DH had previously slapped me on front of the kids when he’d had a few and I was shouting at him for not leaving our bed cos our kids both wanted me as they were poorly/clingy.

One of the other blokes wife has left him recently too cos he spends all his time in the pub drinking, they had 5 kids together all grown up and I suspect she’s had to bring them up largely single handed 🙄 Hope she’s happy now.
I know I am.
You will be too OP, think about what you want from life and a partner xxx

Wordsmithery · 08/07/2025 13:35

Irrespective of the amount he drinks, he is treating you like crap. He doesn't want to be in a marriage or look out for you. Leave him now, head held high.

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

OP posts:

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:49

Shelley108 · 08/07/2025 13:30

Sounds like a boring life for you OP I bet you do all the housework and running round too while he gets to live the life of Riley 🙄

My marriage was going downhill for a while. Dh kept saying he was working while I was at home with the kids. People were telling me he was at the pub but he kept saying they were winding me up. In hindsight I don’t think they were.
Then he told me he was going to Benidorm with a bunch of blokes from a working men’s club, all in their 40’s and 50’s. Dh was 44 🙄 we were renovating the kitchen at the time and he’d previously moaned cos I wanted to go to a Motown disco one night and spend £40 🤦🏻‍♀️ double standards.
He was taking someone’s place who couldn’t go as they’d had some health problems caused by booze and who’s wife left due to drink and pubs 🤷‍♀️
DH went for 4 nights I think and when he came home he said it wasn’t his cup of tea as everyone was drunk all the time 🤷‍♀️ we split up not long after this from a row that happened at this club car park cos his ND daughter wanted to go home and she had a huge meltdown when we did try to leave from being overstimulated and I ended up barred cos someone called the police and he must’ve blamed it all on me after I went home with the kids after the police spoke to us, best thing about it was I was completely sober cos I couldn’t drink due to toothache! His daughter had asked to go home but he carried on buying drinks 🙄 it was his friends birthday get together but his daughter should come first.
Well we stayed split and guess where he went earlier this year? Malta on another blokes holiday. 🤣 he’s welcome to them. They all think I’m the problem but I couldn’t care less. What they don’t know is DH had previously slapped me on front of the kids when he’d had a few and I was shouting at him for not leaving our bed cos our kids both wanted me as they were poorly/clingy.

One of the other blokes wife has left him recently too cos he spends all his time in the pub drinking, they had 5 kids together all grown up and I suspect she’s had to bring them up largely single handed 🙄 Hope she’s happy now.
I know I am.
You will be too OP, think about what you want from life and a partner xxx

Thank you, it is really helpful to hear from other women who have been in the situation I am in now, to know there is life after this if I choose to leave. I’m so thankful we don’t have kids, it would make leaving so much harder.

OP posts:

DoYouReally · 08/07/2025 13:53

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

Can you afford all of that of you take out the mortgage payment?

The joint house could be sold and the bank could put interest only or pause repayment of there was a court agreement to sell and it immediately went on the market.

BadActingParsley · 08/07/2025 13:54

I used to work in a pub, sumer job when I was at Uni, lot of locals, fairly friendly neighbourhood pub. I look back on it now at how dysfunctional so many of the regulars were. They were there on their bar stools as soon as the place opened, it was all chat and fun and whatever, but it would be blazing sun outside, beautiful day, and they couldn't think of anything else to do.

They'd stagger off home to get their tea, those that had wives at home, and then come back! Most worked, or were retired, but had nothing but the pub in their lives...

SallyDraperGetInHere · 08/07/2025 13:55

He wants to go on the holiday as he’d have nobody to spend seven nights in the pub with if everyone else is in Benidorm. He’s just moving his pub life to the Costa for a week. I wouldn’t like to be in this marriage.

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:59

DoYouReally · 08/07/2025 13:53

Can you afford all of that of you take out the mortgage payment?

The joint house could be sold and the bank could put interest only or pause repayment of there was a court agreement to sell and it immediately went on the market.

Show quote history

I meant just during the period while the house is on the market or while he buys me out.

OP posts:

Stilllifes · 08/07/2025 14:25

Share the house while you sell it.
Stop doing snything for him.
No cooking, laundry or shopping.
Start saving and planning.
Move into another bedroom.
He can move out uf he wants.

OneWildBiscuit · 08/07/2025 14:41

He sounds like my ex. He won't change. Things won't improve; quite the opposite.

Get out now, before things get seriously dire/before children are a factor.

You deserve so much more than this.

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 14:49

Op do you have any friends? What do you do in your spare time?

Blades2 · 08/07/2025 14:49

BadActingParsley · 08/07/2025 13:54

I used to work in a pub, sumer job when I was at Uni, lot of locals, fairly friendly neighbourhood pub. I look back on it now at how dysfunctional so many of the regulars were. They were there on their bar stools as soon as the place opened, it was all chat and fun and whatever, but it would be blazing sun outside, beautiful day, and they couldn't think of anything else to do.

They'd stagger off home to get their tea, those that had wives at home, and then come back! Most worked, or were retired, but had nothing but the pub in their lives...

I worked in pubs too, and would be under strict instruction from whoever’s wife was phoning looking for them to deny all knowledge and the arsehole would be sat looking at me while I lied through my teeth to the wife.
its a horrible life

Wooky073 · 08/07/2025 14:50

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

You are being very sensible and practical. It is worth speaking to a solicitor and bank as you have a mortgage together about the implications for dividing the assets and one buying out the other and who is responsible for payments until that happens.