To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

Difference is, on here it’s anonymous, with pub goers it will almost always get back to the OP.

Your husband has had a traumatic childhood with an alcoholic mother. He probably doesn’t really know what love is and what normal couples behaviour is. The pub lets him avoid having to meet your needs as his wife. I expect his mother never met his needs.
i would get out while you can. This is not the kind of relationship you need for the rest of your life.
Also Benidorm is for a certain kind of Brit. I certainly wouldn’t want to hang around with that type of Brit.

Just made me reflect on something. I've had conversations with the guys down the pub before now (let's say acquaintances, not close friends), and several times I've heard "Oh, I never drink at home". I do, because I make my own beer. But those same guys are the ones rushing to get another pint in at Last Orders, when they've already got a full one, like so many 17 year olds, yet these are guys in their fifties and sixties. But they don't drink at at home. That's their boundary.

I would use the time he is in Benidorm to start divorce proceedings and clear his stuff out into the spare room. Make sure you have all the info you need on his finances etc. when he gets home explain it is over and you are putting the house on the market. Maybe get it valued whilst he’s away.
putting your mates before your wife / partner is what happens when you are 16 not 40.
you deserve so much more

Your post was AIBU to be upset that H is going abroad which was organised by his booze buddies. I don’t think you realised what you’ve actually been putting up with until now. He’s an alcoholic that never has time for you and puts others first. No deadline is needed, he won’t change and thankfully you have no DC. You deserve so much more, get out and don’t waste your life

Wow a lot to unpick here.

He obviously has a drink problem which he is putting before his relationship with you.
He obviously has mates which he is putting before his relationship with you.
There are a lot of indications that he is bad mouthing you to his mates.
Do you really want to be treated like this?
He needs an ultimatum and fast - if he’s not prepared to save your relationship by quitting drink/pub/mates/holiday in Benidorm he’s definitely not worth your time.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN THIS - sort it, take control and get the rest of your life back on track.

If my DH friends organised an event / trip for him for a milestone birthday I wouldn’t expect to be invited if none of the other wives were. That’s a ‘boys’ trip and as such it is what it is. You’re allowed to do things without your spouse and with your friends alone. That’s my opinion in general.

however

your DH neglects his home on a regular basis and has a serious drinking problem. It’s like he is actively avoiding being home with you and the kids and chooses his ‘friends’ and alcohol instead. I say friends in inverted commas because they enable him and real friends should shake him in to reality and tell him to bugger off home and do what’s right. And so because he’s not going on holiday with real friends, and he neglects you generally, I can agree that in these circumstances he’s a grade A dick.

Start getting organised OP.
He has a drink problem and the years will fly if you are not careful.
Don't waste your future on a drinker.
That is his priority.

Op you have said everything in the above quote! What else do you want people on Mumsnet to say to you? I don’t understand what advise you are looking for? He’s obviously an alcoholic. He doesn’t put you first. He doesn’t take your side! You know this so surely you know you’d be better off without him in your life?

Just ignore the pick me girl comments that say there’s nothing “wrong with going to the pub” . You know as well most of the posters on here that what he is doing is not healthy and does infact make him an alcoholic. I know you want to give me one more chance but honestly it will just waste more of your time. He won’t change talking from experience. I’m team get your ducks in a row and free yourself. Good luck OP x

Let him go on holiday then change the locks while he has gone

This

You dont want to go and you weren't invited, what's the issue? Can he not go away with his friends?

Benidorm is a hoot! My DP and I are going this summer, and we’ve both been with our friends. A long weekend lazing by the pool then going to see terribly performed cheesy tribute acts with a few glasses of dirt cheap wine. I wouldn’t want to do it every holiday but it’s not grim and sleazy unless you want it to be.

So for a milestone in his life he would be ok to …not organise it with you but with his pub friends???
please dump his arse and find someone who cares.

You sound like a gaslighting husband 😅. “Can he not go away with his friends” that’s clearly not all what this is about the OP gave detail of the whole situation. If you’re not going to post helpful supportive comments why post something that minimises OPs situation.

Good.
Walk away now.
He isn't going to change. A serious drinking habit like his is not something he will simply change without a radical and determined mindset reset on his part-and professional help.

What on earth attracted you to date let alone marry this immature selfish pisshead?

I would not be at all surprised if this was an idea that never left the ground.

Agreed. Cocklodger AND fucking coward. LTB or rather kick the cunt out

He is already an alcoholic.

It sounds like he spends more free time with them than he does you so it's hardly surprising that they are taking the lead on planning his birthday. Allowing one of his friends to insult you is another sign of them being above you in the pecking order too.
If your not going to leave I'd maybe lower the effort you put in and just live your own life.
Prioritise yourself, find some friends to go on holiday with who you will have a good time with. A holiday with a drunk when you're not a pub person doesn't sound like much fun anyway.

It’s very common for alcoholics to have a “definition” in mind of what makes someone an alcoholic and why they don’t fit it - that’s why they say the first step is accepting/admitting that you have a problem. Because they’ll say “I’m not an alcoholic because: I don’t drink at home / I don’t drink alone / I don’t drink first thing in the morning” etc. there’s always some thin excuse that enables them to say they don’t fit their definition. It sounds like he’s pretending to himself that he goes to the pub to “be sociable” but in reality he’s spending all that time there to justify how much he wants to drink.

I would flat out tell him I do think he’s an alcoholic and that he will be doing himself harm. I’m pretty sure (assuming he’s not drinking non-alcoholic drinks at the pub) he’d already be at the point that a doctor wouldn’t recommend he just suddenly stop drinking. I’m not being judgemental, just realistic. A close friend who I loved very much recently drank himself to death. It is a real disease.

Good luck, whatever you do with or without him.

His friends haven’t considered how you’d feel about it.

In fairness why would they give a thought to how you feel when it seems like your own husband doesn’t, regularly.

If he’s not prioritising you or speaking of you both as a couple, then he’s very much an individual in their eyes.

I’m not saying this to have a go as you’ll likely already feel bad enough, but I do feel for you and don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset. I feel like the upset should be directed at your husband and the impression he’s giving of you both.

I don’t particularly like my husband’s friends and he doesn’t see them often but every time there is an invitation it’s to both of us, even as simple as would you both like to come watch the football or boxing. Stuff I wouldn’t do but it’s nice to be included.

I’m not saying leave your husband but you should openly communicate how this has made you feel and his lack of defending you about the earlier remarks with his friend.

sounds like you married my ex-husband, he’s an ex for a reason, you need to kick him out before he drags you down with him, my wake up call was when he put us in thousands of pounds worth of debt playing the bandits and boozing every night. Benidorm is the least of your problems, you’re married to someone who puts his pub friends way above you and your marriage, he will never change.