To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

@EasySqueezy25 another one here who has the t shirt. I had children so maybe it was different but, at the end, the loneliness of being in a marriage was too much to bear.

i know that, from my experience, other women etc were definitely not involved. A card game here, horse racing there yes, but not other women.

its the grinding down of you as a person that is draining and soul destroying. One of my motivating factors in leaving was because I knew it would mean nursing someone who had systematically set out to destroy themselves. I drew a line at that.

and I was right. He has now passed away, and the ending was horrific. His body had zero resilience after decades of abuse. Love yourself, OP

🙄 no, I didn’t miss it. That’s why I said there must be some issue in the marriage of he’d rather be spending time with friends rather than his wife.

What is it that you want him to be doing instead?

Maybe the only draw to the pub is an alcohol addiction, but that’s not what you posted about. You posted about him and his friends wanting to on holiday. If you don’t like them then I don’t see why you’d expect to be invited by them. He invited you, so on that, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, the loneliness and feeling of being disrespected really chips away at you.

I may have misunderstood this bit in your post @EasySqueezy25

I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

In any case, it doesn't really matter. If his drinking and many other things are an issue, you raised your concerns and he isn't doing anything to address any of them, then I guess the question then is what you want to do about this...

Sorry, it was that it’s a big crowd and yet no one had discussed it with me, his wife, or thought to invite me to my husband’s 40th, which I thought I’d be planning. It’s the fact they (and he) are acting like he’s a single man.

If his parent or parents were/are alcoholic there is a 76% probability that he will be an addict of some variety. Try al-anon. The 12 steps work for a lot of people.

Sadly he has made his choice, he prefers being in the pub with mates to being at home with you. Best to end it soon while there is still time for you to meet someone else (the pool dwindles rapidly as you get older). If unsure write a list of the qualities that led you to marry him and those you had doubts about back then. After that do a second list of where things stand now. It may help clarify the situation for you - and you can always 'weight' different aspects of behaviour if it seems too simplistic.

The fact you have just argued this point very strongly, OP says a lot. Can you not hear yourself? This man is toxic. He has 0 respect for you. He is nothing but a cocklodger.

If you were arguing this point at a friend, you would be encouraging them to leave someone who sounds like an alcoholic in denial, mentally abusing their partner.

You say you both work in the criminal justice sector, so he already knows he's an alcoholic. Otherwise, he's just another pig-ignorant male, from this sector, who always end up in the media for their behaviour.

Lots of people have now put 2&2 together, vehemently telling you to leave this arse wipe. You have counter-argued. When they have defended him, you have also counter-argued that.

A decent partner would go to counseling, they would defend you, they would be at home with you, they would want to join AA and show you they can better themselves, they would want to celebrate their 40th with you. They would walk over hot coals for you, celebrate you, encourage you, laugh with you, they wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable when they came home, or fearful because they are drunk, or act abusive toward you because they are an angry drunk. They would love you.

Do you have any happiness with your alcoholic partner? Or are you in denial that you need to leave and possibly be on your own for a while, before finding someone decent?

That deadline has been and gone several times OP

Your posts aren't very helpful or supportive.Do you enjoy kicking people when they are down?

Hmm?

Unless he’s drinking low alcohol beer the whole time then he’s an alcoholic.

Also how does he have the time / money to spend 5 - 7 hours down the pub multiple times a week? Has he got a job, and if not, how does he afford it?

He will never grow up, usually I don’t say bin the relationship but unless he is willing to change then this will forever be your life. My ex was exactly the same, he tried to constantly justify being in the pub during the weekday & on weekends, I called him a functioning alcoholic, which used to send him into a rage but it was true. He was only ever happy when he knew he was going to the pub with his mates.

I would see his trip away as an jdeal
opportunity to get everything in order to end this marriage. You deserve better. Start by having the house valued.

Your husband wants this birthday bender. It's not his mates.
LTB

Next time he asks you if you think he is an alcoholic tell him, "Yes, you are definitively an alcoholic, but you already knew that. You don't need me to confirm it for you. You've lived it. You know what alcoholism is. FYI, I may or may not be here by the time you want to get sober, so you might want to do it sooner rather than later."

He acts like he's single, his friends don't respect you, how can they be so comfortable organising his 40th birthday?! Do you have kids with him?

Honestly, why are you with him?
only married 2 years, you appear to live quite separate lives and he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and doesn’t stick up for you when others are rude to you.
You’re being unreasonable but the mystery is what you see in him

Changed name for this.

Please. Please, please think hard about whether you want to stay with this man.

My DM & DF have been married for nearly 60 years. For over 40 of these he has been an alcoholic. My DM is a shell of her former self and even now, as he approaches 80, DF spends part of every day in the pub.

How the hell he kept up his highly technical job & never got done for drunk driving is beyond me. Or how he still has a functioning liver.

I really, really don’t see your DH changing. I’ve lost count of the times DF has said he will stop drinking. It never lasts more than 3 days.

Unless you want to be like DM, sitting alone in the house at nearly 80, while he boozes his life away, I’d advise you to leave. Soon. You deserve so much more than this.

I think you probably and sadly already know that a 'deadline' has been reached and it sounds to me like your 'DH' has no intention of making things 'dramatically better' anytime soon if ever, well not until he drinks himself into an early grave of course?! 🙄😥
I am so sorry that you seem to have unluckily found one of the many selfish and immature dickheads that we hear so much about on these pages...for your own self respect and happiness make a decision sooner rather than later, I am 77 and in the past I have had to similar make hard decisions but I don't regret them and have been married to a good bloke for 47 years!!
DON'T wait even though you say leaving would be difficult, find a way!
DON'T waste precious time on a no brainer, he doesn't deserve or appreciate you and the years have a nasty habit of flying past!! 😱

I understand your reasoning behind not leaving.....what you could do is suggest that as he will be having a wonderful 40th Birthday without you, that you two go away together to celebrate his Birthday but just the two of you. Pretend you will be treating him (even if you will not be paying)

Your DH has lots of pub friends who think you don't go with him because you're a teetotal, disapproving nag so they want to send him on a holiday where he can drink loads and enjoy himself. This is because 1) that's how he's painted you and 2) because they can't imagine any celebration that doesn't involve drinking themselves into a stupor.
I like a beer, I go to the pub each week, but I don't stay for 7 hours and I don't drink until I'm stupid and incapable or aggressive but I know a few people who do and not one of them has a happy marriage. Do yourself a big favour Op and put an end to this

Just no. Yuck.

What was his reply when you said you were going to leave him if he didn’t change ?

Use the time he is in benidorm to pack up and leave

100%. My father was/ is a heavy drinker. For years growing up he would go to the pub 7x a week from the end of work until close, or near to it. He still drinks heavily and hasn’t gone a night without alcohol in decades, but drinks a LOT less (last time he was sober for a full 24 hrs was when he was admitted to hospital for an overnight stay!).

he is a lovely man and very fun / kind / generous and very cleaver, but his drinking was traumatic.

anyway, my mother would INSIST he wasn’t an alcoholic. “He could sober up” she’d say, “he doesn’t drink all day, he still works!” But this was the man that missed out on 10+ years of my life (10-21) through drinking. He was never home, and missed out on important days out due to hangovers….

shaped me as a person - I’m with a very good man who never really drinks - never seen him drunk in our three years together, and we don’t keep alcohol in the house, unless it’s a bottle of gin that I have lying around, usually a gift and only drank for an intentional buzz. We drink alcohol at most once every month, usually every three months. But two weeks ago he got invited out after work (good, we thought, for networking). Said he’d be home by 7. Was messaging me the whole time. He got home at 7:08 to find me curled in the foetal position, on the floor of the bedroom, hyperventilating and sobbing. I felt absolutely terrible and explained to him that it wasn’t anything he did. Just suddenly, for those 8 minutes he wasn’t home past 7, I was the 12 year old girl who’s dad told her he’d be home at 7, only for him to come home hours later and very drunk.

my partner says that it’s because I’m such a daddy’s girl at heart (I really love that man) that him disappointing me crushes me. He’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier. For my first year of uni I didn’t drink at all out of fear of becoming my father (addictive personalities are genetic and I’ve got the gene - eating disorders, exercise, etc are my manifestations of it!). I now don’t drink before important days/ events and make myself get up early after a night out almost as a punishment. So I don’t miss out on life like he did. I don’t drink when abroad, and I make sure I sober up before bed, drink lots of water and eat before sleep to help prevent a hangover (it works). I hate the smell of alcohol on my partners breath and him going out without me is a huge trigger for whatever trauma I’ve developed. I also find drinking at Christmas/ birthdays so so stressful, as my dad’s drinking often spoiled those too. Christmas hasn’t felt the same since he started.