To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

[EasySqueezy25]

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two.

Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals.

Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th.

I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited.

I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved.

I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

AIBU?

You will always be lonely if you stay with him op. And telling him you will leave if things don't improve means he won't have the hassle of splitting up with you - he can say it was all your doing and get even more sympathy.

That's not my idea of a marriage. He seems to see his friends at the pub more than he sees you, counting only waking hours. He'd rather spend a milestone birthday with his drinking buddies than his wife? I'd say it's ultimatum time, but I wouldn't expect much from him. He doesn't want to change, and you shouldn't settle for the crumbs he's offering. It's not good enough.

I have a colleague like this, she loves the pub. She's older, in her 50s, but I've noticed over the last couple of years she's attending more and more funerals for her 'pub mates'.

My main issue here as well as the alcohol consumption is the fact his friends had the audacity to arrange his 40th birthday without consulting you & he has accepted.I'm assuming this takes in his actual birthday date too.I'm sorry OP but I'd be fuming.This is totally disrespectful

His 40th should be something you celebrate together op, decided and organised by you both. Not a three day bender on the lash with sticky Vicky. You sound far far far too good for him.

Let him go and end the marriage. You have another 40 years of this to go… if he doesn’t die of liver failure.

It sounds as though your relationship has come to an end. It's sad but it happens. You are young enough to rebuild your life, go for it.

@EasySqueezy25 so he has invited you but you are not going. have you made any effort with his friends? my dh doesnt drink alcohol but it doesnt stop him taking me out or going out with his friends. I just looked on it as me always having a chauffeur!

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

That's exactly what an alcoholic would say. It's going to be very hard to tell him "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying", but that might be what he needs.

Alcoholism is difficult to treat. AA doesn't work with researchers, but it doesn't seem to be especially effective — it just has the brand. George W. Bush famously just stopped drinking by himself. The most effective (or, perhaps, least ineffective) treatment is apparently a bollocking from your doctor about what it will do to you if you don't stop. This actually worked for a family member of mine (but that's just an anecdote, of course).

Why wait? He’s not worth staying with.

Couples counseling

Yes I have made an effort but most of them aren’t real friends they’re just pub friends, drunks really. I don’t want to spend my time around drunks. He has some other friends that I am fairly close to but they don’t go to the pub that much.

Why are you trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t want you? This won’t get better. I’d hazard a guess there’s more than just drinking going on, and that’s without what they’ll also get up to in Benidorm.

I’m sorry but that is bang out of order. Whatever you mean by “more than just drinking going on” - drugs, prostitution or whatever - you are saying based on no evidence whatsoever.

I have no issue with people dropping truth bombs on me about alcoholics, in fact I appreciate it. But making wild assumptions like you’ve done isn’t helpful.

How old are you? I think you might be happier without him (and his friends). Go now, before his silly 40th to crappy Benidorm. Go and find someone who doesn't booze to excess.

Suggesting affairs when husbands sneeze differently is normal. Don't take that personally.

Still leave him though

Op Benidorm is grim and sleazy. It’s not such a stretch to imagine what can happen when men get so drunk. It’s a revolting place. I am sorry he has chosen this over you.

May I add, that you trying to manage his drinking, even by having conversations about it, isn't going to get you anywhere. He's a drinker. Other men his age aren't. I wouldn't waste a year, two years, trying to get him to stop. Let him slide to rock bottom without you. Move on.

I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

Is this truly the case though? If you don't mind him goint with his friends for the weekend, what difference does the number of the so called friends make and why? I may be missing something here but to me it doesn't sound like you don't mind as from your post I am under the impression that at least some of the following may be the real issues:

• regular drinking
• regular hanging out with people you don't like
• lack of consideration (and maybe also maturity)

I don't know if your joint or individual finances are also an issue here but I honestly wouldn't keep saying that you don't mind this trip if he went with one or two people instead of the crowd that he is normally seeing at the pub if the real issues have got nothing to do with the number of people going on this trip.

I am not trying to say everyone is like me but I honestly can't understand how the number of people going on this trip would have made any difference to how I felt about the situation. I suppose only because the number could make the drinking and therefore the associated stupidity a bit more likely.

Well that's fantastic news. You don't have to do that tragic thing of the sunk costs fallacy, sticking with a useless man and desperately hoping he'll change because you can't face the thought of trying to find someone else in a hurry before your eggs dry up.

You can set yourself free as soon as you like with absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. This man isn't going to change for you. Drinking is in his culture and his DNA. He is going to continue putting his mates and the pub first until you are utterly ground down by it and you have no life together to speak of. And he's going to make you feel bad for ever expecting anything better. You'll be accused of trying to control him and change him. Just don't waste any more of your time on this.

For some men OP then going to the pub after a days work with work colleagues is a very normal part of the day - staying 5-7 hours isn’t . Our local pub always has a load of builders and tree surgeons vans outside. Is he in this kind of job ?

I agree Benidorm looks grim ( never been) .

Im not going to shout LTB - but I am going to say see if he is willing to go to marriage counselling with you . You are both unhappy and it looks like you want different things - find someone to talk it through with and help you both come to a conclusion about whether you want to continue .

The number of people going on the trip isn’t the issue at all, I’m not sure where you’ve got that from? It’s that his friends have organised it without saying a word to me, or inviting me - like I don’t even exist. And yes the real root problem here is his drinking, I acknowledge that.

No - we both work in the criminal justice system!

I’ve suggested marriage counselling before but it was an immediate “no”…

If this man is just going to work and the pub afterwards, and just wants to go on holiday with mates next year, I can’t see what the problem is. It’s not like he’s leaving OP to deal with children alone. She’d be invited if she wanted to go and spend time with these people but she doesn’t.

What is there to stay at home for? Ideally he’d have a healthier hobby than the pub, but pre covid and before it got so expensive, the pub was a very common, normal thing to do of an evening.

There is some issue in the marriage if he’d rather be with friends than with his wife.

Did you miss the bit where I said he goes to the pub for 5-7 hours at a time, multiple days during the week? Did you miss the bit where I said he turns into a total dick after a few drinks? Did you know the average British man visits the pub 4.5 days a MONTH and my husband goes three or four times as much? 🙄