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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late evening eating

306 replies

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:34

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 13:37

You're being grumpy 😂

I mean, there are limits. He shouldn't wake you up and he should clear up. But other than that, he's an adult and should be able to cook when he wants to in his home.

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 13:38

I can’t understand some young men’s obsession with eating protein all the time I really can’t…

But if it works for them. But the clean surfaces issue would do my head in OP YANBU

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:42

I think I'm worn down by his obsessive/disordered eating over that last.4 years.

It's hard to explain but I just can't stand it.

OP posts:
zerofeeling · 07/07/2025 13:43

Does he contribute financially and with cleaning/ chores?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:45

He cleans his own bathroom and bedroom and does his own washing.

He pays £150 a month

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 07/07/2025 13:48

If you are feeding him £400 a month would be generous

incandescentglow · 07/07/2025 13:48

you can't police what and what time a grown adult eats😂 especially if they have disordered eating issues, be careful not to make it worse

you can however insist he's respectful enough to not wake up people by cooking (opening windows, closing doors to the kitchen etc) and also you can insist he cleans up after himself

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:51

I'm not sure I can stand it and have said to DH that I will end up moving out before dss does.

OP posts:
zerofeeling · 07/07/2025 13:52

£150 sounds a bit low - is that to help him save up for his own place?

Anyway, I think it's unreasonable to tell a grown man when and what he can eat but of course he must clear up after himself properly, you're working full time as well so it's lazy and unfair of him to leave it for you.

Brefugee · 07/07/2025 13:52

if someone woke me at 2:15 they would be in danger of me hitting them with the pan. Eggs in it or not.

If you are awake when the other cooking finished - stand there while he cleans up properly. Keep doing that until he does it automatically.

Presumably he's paying for all this food?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:53

£150 was set by DH.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:55

I feel it just takes so much of my energy to nag him to clear up properly.

I'm either nagging dss or nagging DH to tell him. I'm fed up with it.
They don't care if the kitchen is a bit untidy, but I like it perfect and will leave it perfect only for it to be messed up.

And don't get me started on the egg snot left in the sink every Fucking day 🤢

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 07/07/2025 13:57

Depends on how much he earns then how much he should pay.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2025 13:58

My adult DS went through a phase of absurd clean eating when the entire house was being plastered and renovated. It did my head in. I made him rent a place of his own. I absolutely could not cope with him cooking all the time while the kitchen was being plastered and new units were being put in. He insisted on using a camping stove in the living room at all times of the day and night.
I found him a bedsit and made him move into it.
He isn't going to turn my life upside down. Your house your rules. He is 21 and works full time, he is not a baby.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:59

His base salary is £30k but he gets comission on top.

He has to pay for his car insurance and phone bill.

It's not about the money. I'd rather him not pay a penny but just stop fucking cooking

OP posts:
zerofeeling · 07/07/2025 14:03

That's an excellent wage in our area - definitely enough to rent somewhere. Perhaps it's more expensive where you are or your DH doesn't want him to go?

Iceplanet · 07/07/2025 14:13

You sound like hard work. Sounds like a show kitchen since it had to be "perfect." Bet it would be different if he was your son. Very controlling to dictate when an adult cooks.
If he wasn't working, contributing, had no hobbies and therefore home all the time or expected you to cook everything for him, then you'd actually have something to nag about. I'm sure your husband and dss think you're a joy to live with nagging all the time 🙄 you may get your wish for a perfect house and one or both of them will move out.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:16

Yep I do like the kitchen perfect and joke that it is 'show home' standards😂.

I can keep it like that so i find it v v frustrating that dss doesn't/can't/won't.

OP posts:
Thaawtsom · 07/07/2025 14:18

You are being territorial about your kitchen. I get it, I am too. You don't want to share your kitchen with someone who doesn't 100% follow your rules. Thing is, he is an adult, he is behaving reasonably, and it is where he lives and he absolutely should be able to use the kitchen as and when he likes, provided he does so with some courtesy (noise, smell, clearing up). Sharing a kitchen is often sub optimal. Agree you are on a path to not living together well. Who is moving out?

MiddleAgedDread · 07/07/2025 14:20

If he's on £30k plus bonuses and you're only charging him £150 a month for rent, bills and food then at least he should have a decent savings pot to move out soon ;)
This would drive me mad too, particularly if he doesn't clear up after himself.

Thaawtsom · 07/07/2025 14:21

If it helps, my son does cooking in the middle of the night and it drives me up the wall -- and no, he doesn't always clear up after himself the way I would like him to, and yes, he has disordered eating patterns. However, I remind myself on a regular basis that he is in the main being reasonable and the immaculately tidy kitchen drive is my issue; and I keep up the "clear up after yourself / please clear up now / this kitchen was not as I wanted to find it this morning" stuff going when it's needed. I think you would feel differently if it were your son.

NoSoupForU · 07/07/2025 14:29

For the most part you're being massively unreasonable. It isn't just your home, its all of your homes. Making eggs and porridge isn't exactly a noisy affair is it? You don't get to unilaterally decide that everyone has to keep the kitchen to your standards.

However, he should clean and tidy after himself. In a normal way, not necessarily a perfect show home way. And if he isn't there for dinner don't make him dinner.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:32

If I didn't cook dinner he'd be wanting to make a full on meal when he get home as well as the eggs and porridge.

OP posts:
HunnyPot · 07/07/2025 14:32

I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.

Do you ever cook when DSS is trying to relax?

Womanofcustard · 07/07/2025 14:32

I would be worried about the number of eggs. The NHS recommendation is up to seven PER WEEK. I would see this as disordered eating.
i think it’s reasonable to ask him to only do re-heating later in the evening. He’s imposing his disordered lifestyle and disordered eating on you.