Late evening eating

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I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

So who owns the house? What does his father think about his behaviour? Has he ever moved out? loads to unpick here.

That’s a lot of protein for his kidneys to cope with says someone with stage 4 kidney disease. Once they are damaged they do not repair. He needs to speak to a dietician not rely on blokes down the gym. Plus he may be taking steroids these can have a detrimental effect on the body long term

Slightly missing the point but this is why I don’t understand open plan living. I love leaving the busy-ness of the kitchen behind after eating without putting the effort in for it to be show home standard. I can tidy away to a reasonable point, shut the door on it and put my feet up in the other room. Anyone else can use it at their leisure and I barely even realise. I feel the hatred of open plan kitchen living space so deeply that I totally get where you’re coming from - I actually can’t think of many things that would stress me out than trying to relax where I can see my imperfect kitchen.

I actually think saving up for doors (and maybe DH needs to suggest DSS pay more to contribute to this cost) is a big part of your answer.

If he's a grown man and can eat and cook what he wants in his own home as PP has suggested, then he can also pay rent and for his own food like an adult. No point in treating him like an adult in one breath and a child in another.

treat your children over 16 as lodgers. as long as he cleans after himself let him eat as he wishes!! this is such a non problem!! others have children older still living with them jobless and doing drugs. you might need to hit the gym yourself sounds like your mental health would benefit

YABU. Its not disordered eating and its unfair to make out like thats a problem here. When youre on a strict diet and exercise regime yes you need to eat a certain amount of protein at certain times of day, within a reasonable time of working out, to get the most benefit from it. Hes not just doing this to annoy you, its obviously important for him to stick to this regime.
Its also unfair to expect everyone else to have your high standards of cleaning. He should be tidying up after himself and your DH should be backing you up in that regard. But hes a grown man and you should cut him some slack. Let the man eat when he wants to bloody eat ffs.

You really are not being unreasonable. It’s so bloody disrespectful to be cooking and leave the kitchen untidy after someone else has left it nice and clean.

My son tried this once. Went to the gym at 11.30pm and came home and cooked chicken fillets, pasta and sauce. He left pasta sauce on the side and hadn’t washed the baking tray that had the chicken on it. I can tell you now, it was the first and last time he did it. I woke him up at 6,15am and told him to get his lazy arse down to the kitchen and clean up.

He still cooks when he gets back from the gym, but always cleans up after himself now.

I think you're being ridiculous. Let the guy live, he is doing no harm whatsoever!

There are some fairly easy fixes to this

OP needs to stop buying his portions of food, dont buy the things he generally eats, ie the eggs and porridge, he needs to be more self sufficient, that shoujld also focus his mind on being more responsible and self motivated

He also needs to continue to share the general running of the home while he lives there, as OP says he wants all the perks of family life but not the drudgery that inevitably comes with sharing a house with someone, you have to clear up after yourself.

At the end of the day if the lifestyles are not compatible, he needs to move out, he would be able to afford a house share.

I forgot to add that OP is being unreasonable to label him as disordered eating, thats generally what people say when others just dont eat like them.

She isnt unreasonable to want the kitchen left as she found it

My ds makes chicken and cheese wraps in the airfryer which is much less mess. We cook a load of chicken in some sort of marinade, chop it up and leave in the fridge. He uses silicone air fryer liners which can just go in the dishwasher. Means he can stuff his face full of protein but isn't making a huge mess.

@sarah419

Good grief, why is your bar so low for young adults? So long as they have a job and aren’t on drugs we needs to be grateful and just let them do whatever they want??
Yeah, no.

You’ll get your arse handed to you for that on here, but I think fair play to you! 👏

This. My son does the same and I’m fine with it. Why shouldn’t your stepson cook when he wants without you threatening to move out?

@MarinaDelRay

omg read the OP’s post - he doesn’t clean up after himself and this excess of food he doesn’t pay for himself.

He’s on 30k paying 150pm?? What planet does your DH live on?

Why is he not in his own place? If he’s saying up for a deposit how much has he got and when does he expect to reach his goal amount?

150 a month is ridiculously low. Especially if you are paying for all this food too. He should be paying a lot more for one thing. You can't tell him whst to eat but it sounds like obsessive behaviour. Maybe he could rent somewhere . He earns quite a bit.

I think you also have a disorder tbh.

There has to be a bit of give and take. A 21 year old could be doing so much worse than this.

With all due respect, it's time for him to live by himself.
Do you happen to have OCD? Perfect, show home kitchen doesn't last almost anywhere. I have a mild OCD and managed to drop a lot of these concerns as I got older.

He's on a fab one at yours.

I'd charge him a lot more - he can afford £500 - his food bill alone must be mad - around £250 pcm. Anyways use the £100-£150 of it and start a pension or ISA for him. It'll be worth £m by the time he retires given the right investment. Maybe do what a friend of mine does and get a robot to invest it in stocks and shares.

Ref cooking, yes he needs to clean up. Telling he pays an extra £10 for everytime he leaves the kitchen in a mess. If he cooks after 10pm he pays £10 disturbance. You pocket the fines. It'll add up and he most definitely won't want to pay.

He is an adult living with you but he's in a weird grey zone. If he were paying market rents then I'd say he's as entitled to do as he pleases as any housemate would be. But as he is paying minimal contributions to living expenses let alone rent (all that food! I bet he eats more than £150 of food a month...) he needs to live on your terms. The issue is you need to be a united front with your DH and you'll probably both need to compromise on something you hold dear to reach that position. Could it be eg don't use the kitchen after midnight? But don't sweat a dirty plate in the sink (one dirty plate is not going to kill anyone). Or whatever - you get to decide together. Then hold him to that.

You’re grumpy and I feel for him. There are far messier meals! He might feel really sad and uncomfortable

I knew how this thread would go op because there have been similar ones. My DS stayed for three months earlier this year and he was cooking and waking me up during the night. It's horrible waking up to cooking smells and a messy kitchen and I hate it when people are downstairs when I'm trying to sleep.

I like a very ordered life and like to leave the kitchen in a decent state and then get ready for bed quietly. I think this is pretty normal but according to MN this is very unreasonable.

He could buy high reporting ready meals from Huel or somewhere like that? Then it’s just a case of a bowl and a spoon that needs washing.