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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late evening eating

306 replies

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:34

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 07/07/2025 14:33

He needs to clean up after himself, but he's fine to make eggs and porridge at 10pm. It's not like he's making a smoothie at 2am. If the kitchen is clean but not quite as tidy as you prefer, then you need to suck it up, it isn't just your house.

Cattery · 07/07/2025 14:33

How do you get on with him in general? Does he live with you permanently?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:34

I probably do cook on occasions when dss is trying to relax for the WHOLE family, all 5 of us.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 07/07/2025 14:34

Stayed with friends recently who had a showroom standard house. It felt so cold and uninviting. Hardly dare breath in case I put something out of place.

Happy for your son to come and live with me. I miss the kids being at home. Have to bite your lip now and again, but I cherish the energy and fun they bring with them when they visit. Is one dirty plate in the sink really such a big deal?

InjuryMyArse · 07/07/2025 14:39

That's normal behaviour and I'm feeling very sorry for your stepson.
Bet you don't react like that when it's your kids.

takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 14:42

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:32

If I didn't cook dinner he'd be wanting to make a full on meal when he get home as well as the eggs and porridge.

Well yes, of course he would, he needs to eat?!

What do you want to happen here - what's your ideal situation? (In terms of times, who does what, etc?)

Muffsies · 07/07/2025 14:42

My eldest son does similar, he doesn't eat with the rest of us and is sometimes making food in the night. I come down in the morning and have to tidy up a bit, not loads, it's not so much that it bothers me. But if my dp comes down first and finds food spatter on the splashback, or a single plate not put away, he absolutely blows his stack.

If he's leaving a lot of mess then it's not acceptable, and he's taking liberties. If it's that his standards are not quite up to yours, you might be being a bit unreasonable. The kitchen doesn't belong to you, its everyone's, but people should use it respectfully.

TaupeRaven · 07/07/2025 14:43

I think YABU to expect everyone in your house to maintain the standard you have decided upon ("Show home tidy" in your own words) with no recognition for the fact that it's their home too, and they're constantly being nagged to do things your way. Why is that okay, but it's not acceptable to you to live to their standards?

Soonenough · 07/07/2025 14:45

I do understand . I make dinner , clean up the way I like and then sit down to TV , etc. I hated when my DD would come along at 10pm , start cooking smelly spicy things . She did clean up but not very well. I hated starting the morning with a messy kitchen . But I had to tolerate it as I wanted her to feel welcome in the house . Hard to share your space with other adults . So rant away but you will probably just have to put up with it . The only person getting aggravated is you and you have to decide if it's worth it . Hopefully he will soon move out. And maybe if he had to buy his own food he might not be so quick to keeping cooking.

lighthouseahoy · 07/07/2025 14:46

I'd go through with your threat and move out. He's earning plenty of money, so obviously the fact he isn't paying rent and has an extortionate food bill subsidised means he sees no need, and would rather stay in this cosy set up. The leaving a mess in the kitchen would do my head in, you're not his maid.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 07/07/2025 14:47

Give him some more chores so it feels a bit more balanced. You might be less stressed about a plate in the sink if he is doing all of the hoovering and dusting.

GigiGrey · 07/07/2025 14:48

Can you not meet in the middle and ask him to prep his eggs in batches? Boiled eggs can be kept in the fridge for up to a week if they're left in the shells and overnight oats, rather than porridge, can also be prepped a few days in advance. That way he can eat as often as he needs to but won't be cooking multiple times a day.

CantThinkOfAUsername57 · 07/07/2025 14:49

You’re being ridiculous OP. It’s not as if he’s asking you to cook and clean it for him. If I were you I’d rather he was eating good nutritious eggs and porridge than those crappy protein shakes!

It’s not just your kitchen, it’s a family kitchen. How would you feel if you were being policed on what you can cook and when? He’s an adult and you need to treat him like one.

Elbowpatch · 07/07/2025 14:49

Why not boil a load of eggs and make the porridge in advance? Then he would just need to reheat the porridge in the microwave when he gets in and do his Cool Hand Luke with the eggs.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:54

Ok maybe I am being unreasonable.
My mum would never have allowed it so maybe I am repeating learnt behaviour.

I grew up that even as an adult, I didn't have an equal status as it wasn't my house. My home absolutely but I wasn't an equal. It was my parents rules.

OP posts:
Parmaviollets · 07/07/2025 14:55

OP this sounds awful.

Think of all the really terrible things he could be doing !!
The poor lad is merely cooking at a time you don't like 😱 and leaving a dirty plate out 😱.

You need to work out a way to mentally sort yourself out.

When ,if he meets a partner this will be the sort of situation where they will go and spend more time at his relaxed and friendly mums house and you don't see them for dust. Remind yourself just because you think it should be a show home doesn't mean your other family members ideally agree or want that. Compromise.

I'd try and reframe it, mentally tell yourself off for being petty every time you feel a reaction to this and keep reminding yourself about how you would feel if you found drugs on his room

However unfortunately whilst of course being fit is a good thing it's become linked to incel stuff and Andre Tate which would concern me and is be having chats about women to get his views

gianfrancogorgonzola · 07/07/2025 14:55

I totally understand. It would be a firm no from me, sounds like it’s time he moved out.

takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 14:57

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:54

Ok maybe I am being unreasonable.
My mum would never have allowed it so maybe I am repeating learnt behaviour.

I grew up that even as an adult, I didn't have an equal status as it wasn't my house. My home absolutely but I wasn't an equal. It was my parents rules.

Well sure, you set the rules, but you're asking whether your proposed rules are reasonable or not.

You said that there are five of you - how old are the other kids? Are they yours and DHs or just yours? Who owns the house? Etc

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:58

Oh yes he's into Andrew Tate

OP posts:
Parmaviollets · 07/07/2025 14:59

It's fine to have rules and regs in your house but one also has to understand the consequences of making people feel really bad for extremely petty things.
What kind of relationship do you want with him.my dp didn't have any rules and I always felt it was my home I never questioned it. I hung out with and went on holidays with them until quite old we all really enjoyed each others company. My dp also welcome in my home in a very relaxed way.

I have a cousin whose parents had rules strictly imposed and they've not seen the adult DC for dust.

Polistock · 07/07/2025 14:59

They don't care if the kitchen is a bit untidy, but I like it perfect and will leave it perfect only for it to be messed up.

That's a you issue. My sister's like this, she's constantly fed up with her husband for leaving the kitchen a 'mess' when the kitchen is clean and tidy, it just also has signs of human existence. It must be tiring for everyone involved...

Biginnin · 07/07/2025 15:00

Can't believe all these people who would let a child rule the roost and be so disrespectful. Of course when he's finished eating he should tidy behind himself and not leave dirty plates in the sink. Who does he think is going to tidy up after him?

He needs to be told to tidy up after himself. I pity the poor girlfriend in future who has to put up with this slob.

plantsdieinmyhouse · 07/07/2025 15:01

Why do you like the kitchen perfect from 8.15 pm to the morning? This is very fixed thinking. It does t make any material difference what time of the day the kitchen is clean or dirty.

MageQueen · 07/07/2025 15:01

I actualyl think you have every right to insist that the ktichen is maintained to your standards. It is YOUR kitchen, and from the sounds of thing, you are the one responsible for stocking it, doing most of the cooking, cleaning etc. So you have every right to insist to your DH that he insists to his DS that if he wants to cook he leaves the kitchen in 100% the state it was when he came in and started cooking.

It is one of my pet peeves as well - I cook dinner, I tidy up from dinner. I don't mind other people using the kitchen after, but if i come downstairs in the morning and now have to tidy up again, it sends me into orbit.

InSpainTheRain · 07/07/2025 15:02

I think you are really unreasonable about his cooking. I have DS in their 20s, one does as your DSS does. Honestly i am pleased he is doing something healthy.and isn't constantly gaming or doing drugs!! It's his home too. Have you thought that your kitchen standards may be way too high and that you are the problem? If he generally clears up after himself I'd let him crack on and give the counter an extra wipe in the morning.