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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late evening eating

306 replies

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:34

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:25

If only he did/would clear up properly then I would know what the irritation is.

His plan is to give up work asap. He got into bloody trading and blew £13-£15k last year.

He is now saving all his money into crypto (I kid you not) and said to dh that he should have enough saved by the end of the year to give up work. I imagine to start trading again 😱. DH has told him he can't live here if he starts trading again. It's like he's addicted to it and the bullshit that these people spiel.

He clearly won't have saved up that much by the end of the year so I don't think he has any intention of moving out any time soon.

OP posts:
Flupflup · 07/07/2025 16:26

Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 16:23

If you are fed up of cooking every night get your husband to cook when he is off work? Weekends? Get him to come home with take out now and then?

Your step son leaving a plate on the side because the dishwasher is on sounds like nothing to me.

If your own kids are not allowed to grab a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast because it us "outside of regular meal times" or the dishwasher is on I feel sorry for them because you sound very controlling.

Show quote history

Agree with @Winter2020

takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 16:26

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:12

Ok to add some context. I do all the cooking for the family, plan the meals, buy the food and cook every bloody night.

I find it a major chore and feel like I am constantly in the kitchen tidying up etc. At the end of the day after the evening meal I just want some peace and quiet to relax.

Our biggest sitting room is open plan to the kitchen and I am looking at having doors put in but they are very expensive.

I do all the cooking as DH generally works until 7:30 most evenings.

Dss never offers to help prepare the meal and will only lay the table under sufferance as he is usually rushing to the gym.

The other children are 11 and 14 and help lay through table and clean up after dinner to a degree. Dh will help clear up after dinner but I just want to be done with the busy-ness of the kitchen for the day.
.
It isn't just the evening that dss wants to make food outside of regular meal times

At the weekend always has a late breakfast more eggs on toast, we'll often have lunch and then an hour later dss appears wanting to make god knows what. Dishwasher is on so dss leaves plates stacked on the side for me to look at for 2 ISH hours while the dishwasher is running

By the time dishwasher is finished he'll.have buggered off to the gym and so the kitchen grind starts again and me clearing up dss stack of plates.

It's just irritating and wearing.

I think you're irritated at the wrong things tbh, and some of this makes you sound a little bit bonkers - why would you have to look at the plates? If you have another sitting room to use then why aren't you sitting in it? 😂

If you find it all a big chore then get everyone to help more. Even if DH works late he can meal plan and sort an online shop. Younger kids can cook together one night a week. DSS can either cook once a week or disconnect and cook for himself later. But I have a funny feeling you don't want others to take over! 😆

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:29

I've suggested dss could cook one night a week but he says he can't because it would interfere with going to the gym.

14 will often do the BBQ and 11 year old helps with that salad etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:32

Yes of course the children can eat have snacks etc.

I think the thing that drives me nuts is the routine/obsession that dss has around his food.

Always counting the calories and almost force feeding himself because he wants to bulk.

It's hard to explain if you haven't lived with it.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 07/07/2025 16:34

He earns £30k plus commission. Of course, he can bloody well afford to live on his own! I earn not much more than that and have a mortgage (with Dh, not on my own) on an £800k house. I was living independently 2 decades before I was making £30k a year. He absolutely can live very well on that salary with mates.

whistlesandbells · 07/07/2025 16:48

Lots of problems here and YANBU.
He earns well plus commission and pays so little contribution. He blew through and lost money on risky investments which he wants to take up again. He eats far, far more in food from your description than £150 per month, let alone something to go towards the house. He seems to have the timetable and hours of a single man while living as a dependent. Also said he wants to give up work.

Hard no from me: he needs to move out and you need to make sure he moves out so he keeps working to pay his rent and support himself). He does not need to live at home when he is working full time and not in education on this wage.

Sidebeforeself · 07/07/2025 16:48

If you know he’s had eating problems I think you need to be a bit kinder

Sidebeforeself · 07/07/2025 16:50

Oops posted too soon! You clearly think he has an eating disorder. If he does, he needs help not anger. Men with eating disorders often struggle to get support.

CaramelEmporium · 07/07/2025 16:50

You’re getting a hard time OP but I totally get why you’d feel like that.

My DH does most of the cooking but I do the washing up, wiping down etc after meals and yes I like to leave it all clean for the night. It annoys me when DH gets a snack and leaves mess everywhere every single time. Buttery knives on the surface, crumbs all over the floor, cupboard doors open etc. I try and swallow my annoyance.

A tidy house for me makes me happier, I couldn’t go to bed leaving the kitchen in a state. I really wish I could but it would make me anxious. Some people won’t understand that. Your DSS is basically giving you the middle finger not caring about how it makes you feel.

LimitedBrightSpots · 07/07/2025 16:50

I think it's time he moved out. He can afford it, and then he would have the freedom to run his life as he pleases and the responsibility of keeping his own place clean.

I would get your DH to tell him, "look this is a family house. We don't need a lodger. Either you live here as part of our family, which means respecting our schedule and taking your turn cooking for the family, or you need to find somewhere where you can have more independence."

gsiftpoffu · 07/07/2025 16:57

He's an adult and he can eat what and when he likes.
However, if he's living with others then he needs to be considerate of others and that means not making a noise if he is cooking late at night and making sure he cleans up everything, including washing his dishes if the dishwasher is on, not just leaving them there waiting for the next run.

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 17:00

I think a lot of other posters are being unreasonable and I'd bet money they wouldn't like it either. He's 21 years old and cooks 4 poached eggs on toast whilst you're trying to cook dinner. You then put his dinner aside which he eats when he gets home at gone 10 o'clock at which point he also always makes another 4 poached eggs on toast along with porridge. This performance can sometimes be in the early hours of the morning. This isn't once a week or occasionally, it's every night. Yep, that would irritate most parents or even flat mates.

Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 17:05

mindutopia · 07/07/2025 16:34

He earns £30k plus commission. Of course, he can bloody well afford to live on his own! I earn not much more than that and have a mortgage (with Dh, not on my own) on an £800k house. I was living independently 2 decades before I was making £30k a year. He absolutely can live very well on that salary with mates.

A 30k income would probably get him a mortgage between 120k- 150k
If with his bonus it's 40k that could be 160k - 200k if a bank would take the whole bonus into account.

If he is not sensible/conservative with his money see if your husband will get him to continue paying £150 rent but insist he puts £500 each month into a LISA (?) the account which you can use to buy a house and get the government bonus.

Low rent is lovely if it helps him save a deposit not so lovely if it all goes down the pan.

Your husband could phrase it £500 each month into a "low risk" investment and insist he is shown the money being saved. Otherwise rent goes up to £650 and your husband saves £500 for him.

I expect he has been sucked in by investment people on youtube etc. Many of these have been exposed as scammers that make their money by charging people to teach them how to invest.

murasaki · 07/07/2025 17:07

I'd stop buying eggs. Completely.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/07/2025 17:08

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 17:00

I think a lot of other posters are being unreasonable and I'd bet money they wouldn't like it either. He's 21 years old and cooks 4 poached eggs on toast whilst you're trying to cook dinner. You then put his dinner aside which he eats when he gets home at gone 10 o'clock at which point he also always makes another 4 poached eggs on toast along with porridge. This performance can sometimes be in the early hours of the morning. This isn't once a week or occasionally, it's every night. Yep, that would irritate most parents or even flat mates.

I dont know if it would irritate most parents, my ds1 moved back home for 6 months last year, yes he would eat with us if he was home but if he wasnt home for dinner we would pop him a plate on the side for later
He used to make his own breakfast and lunch, yes it was not in keeping with the time we ate, due to work and the gym and not getting up until late some days, and he defo used to cook at night when I was asleep but I was asleep so it didnt bother me at all

Stormroses · 07/07/2025 17:08

The issue is that he is leaving too much mess and making too much noise.

Explain that he needs to wash all his dishes and clean the sink so egg snot Grin and grimy plates aren't left next day for you to clear up after you have already tidied the kitchen.

Meanwhile, stop buying eggs or porridge oats!

Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 17:09

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 17:00

I think a lot of other posters are being unreasonable and I'd bet money they wouldn't like it either. He's 21 years old and cooks 4 poached eggs on toast whilst you're trying to cook dinner. You then put his dinner aside which he eats when he gets home at gone 10 o'clock at which point he also always makes another 4 poached eggs on toast along with porridge. This performance can sometimes be in the early hours of the morning. This isn't once a week or occasionally, it's every night. Yep, that would irritate most parents or even flat mates.

I don't think anyone has said it's not irritating. Yes it's irritating. It's not move out because your step son is impossible to live with territory.

WorriedRelative · 07/07/2025 17:09

Can't he microwave his dinner and wash his plate up. If he wants eggs and chicken in addition, he needs to batch cook them at a suitable time and eat them cold from the fridge. Tell him you don't want cooking happening after a set time on a regular basis.

TaupeRaven · 07/07/2025 17:12

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 17:00

I think a lot of other posters are being unreasonable and I'd bet money they wouldn't like it either. He's 21 years old and cooks 4 poached eggs on toast whilst you're trying to cook dinner. You then put his dinner aside which he eats when he gets home at gone 10 o'clock at which point he also always makes another 4 poached eggs on toast along with porridge. This performance can sometimes be in the early hours of the morning. This isn't once a week or occasionally, it's every night. Yep, that would irritate most parents or even flat mates.

I have two young adult sons who weight train together several nights a week. I go through eggs and chicken breast like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes I wake up to the smell of chicken being cooked very late at night - it's mildly irritating but it's their home too and I'm not going to set arbitrary rules about when people may and may not cook. Frankly there are worse things my 18 and 22 year olds could be doing than coming home late from the gym and eating some relatively healthy food.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/07/2025 17:13

WorriedRelative · 07/07/2025 17:09

Can't he microwave his dinner and wash his plate up. If he wants eggs and chicken in addition, he needs to batch cook them at a suitable time and eat them cold from the fridge. Tell him you don't want cooking happening after a set time on a regular basis.

do people really tell other adults living in the house what time they can eat? What if he isnt home at the specified time or isnt hungry?

Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 17:14

LimitedBrightSpots · 07/07/2025 16:50

I think it's time he moved out. He can afford it, and then he would have the freedom to run his life as he pleases and the responsibility of keeping his own place clean.

I would get your DH to tell him, "look this is a family house. We don't need a lodger. Either you live here as part of our family, which means respecting our schedule and taking your turn cooking for the family, or you need to find somewhere where you can have more independence."

I wonder if OPs own children will have to "respect the schedule/take their turn cooking or move out" when they are older.

Edit to say it doesn't sound like the husband takes a turn cooking. At least OP has said she does it all.

Digdongdoo · 07/07/2025 17:22

You're annoyed about the wrong things OP. First, DH needs to step up a bit more and stop leaving all the feeding and cleaning to you. (Unless you're a housewife though I suppose). Second, DSS needs to up his rent and help out more. Evening eggs and the odd plate are non issues.
But for that to happen you have to loosen up a bit with your kitchen....

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/07/2025 17:23

@Blankscreen he must be eating £150 of eggs alone!!! do you have chickens in the garden??? with the legitimate food he is eating more than 150 pounds worth!!

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 17:26

I think the issue he isn't just another adult.

If he was a lodger I would not be expected to cook for him and provide food and toiletries.

But he isn't he wants the perks of being part of a family but doesn't want the 'cons'.

I'm 46 and don't want to feel like I'm living in a house share.

OP posts: