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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late evening eating

306 replies

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:34

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

OP posts:
Muffsies · 07/07/2025 15:02

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:54

Ok maybe I am being unreasonable.
My mum would never have allowed it so maybe I am repeating learnt behaviour.

I grew up that even as an adult, I didn't have an equal status as it wasn't my house. My home absolutely but I wasn't an equal. It was my parents rules.

I totally get it, most of us have heard the "your under my roof" speech from older parents. It's not how we tend to do things these days, the authoritarian style is very much frowned on now, especially as adult kids are having to live with us for longer due to house prices.

Does your son pay rent?

Parmaviollets · 07/07/2025 15:03

Oh I've just noticed he's your step son.

lighthouseahoy · 07/07/2025 15:04

plantsdieinmyhouse · 07/07/2025 15:01

Why do you like the kitchen perfect from 8.15 pm to the morning? This is very fixed thinking. It does t make any material difference what time of the day the kitchen is clean or dirty.

It does make a material difference though if the OP is the only one cleaning it. Has tidied everything away so it is ready for her to do breakfast in the morning, but someone has left mess for her to clean again before she starts.

If he wants to use the kitchen, he should tidy up after himself. The OP is not his maid.

TaupeRaven · 07/07/2025 15:05

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:54

Ok maybe I am being unreasonable.
My mum would never have allowed it so maybe I am repeating learnt behaviour.

I grew up that even as an adult, I didn't have an equal status as it wasn't my house. My home absolutely but I wasn't an equal. It was my parents rules.

My DH has this mentality as a hangover from his upbringing and honestly, there have been times when I've found it quite toxic. It's taken him years of unlearning that behaviour and we're all happier (including him) for it.

Brefugee · 07/07/2025 15:06

Egg snot in the sink is not acceptable. Cooking loudly at 2.15 and waking anyone at all up is not acceptable.

Tidying things away and cleaning to a normal person's standard of cleanliness (ie. No egg snot in sink, utensils in the dishwasher, tops wiped down) is acceptable. Cooking (and cleaning up after yourself) when other people are not being disturbed by it, is acceptable.

Expecting everyone to maintain show-home standards of cleanliness is not acceptable.

Bimblebombles · 07/07/2025 15:06

Could he cook a big batch of porridge all at once and keep in fridge and reheat a bowl of it in microwave as and when he wants it? Make a big frittata / Spanish omelette to get all his eggs in and reheat that a piece at a time? Saves all the constant pots and pans clattering about.

Also life is too short to be polishing worktops.

zerofeeling · 07/07/2025 15:08

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:58

Oh yes he's into Andrew Tate

That's a bad sign - I assume he hasn't got a girlfriend?

Brefugee · 07/07/2025 15:08

when our adult DC were living at home, they only ever once left the kitchen in such a state that we couldn't make breakfast. So DH got them up to clean the kitchen while we went out for breakfast.

They'd come home drunk and cooked omlettes.

It only happened once though.

Hankunamatata · 07/07/2025 15:09

Is your kitchen part of your sittingroom as that would be annoying, otherwise yabu

Sobblimminwindy · 07/07/2025 15:17

This is tough, because you sound very rigid regarding your wishes for the house to be show home standard, and your DSS is very rigid regarding his eating pattern. He possibly has orthorexia, which is an absolute bastard to manage, as all eating disorders are. I was similar to you and my DH to your DSS. Counting micros and macros. Constantly shopping. Always food being prepared. Nightmare. Eventually I learned to relax a little and just asked that the dishes were stacked neatly in the sink or soaking, with surfaces wiped down. The orthorexia broke when I packed his bags for him. And genuinely meant it. Good luck and try and relax a tiny bit. The world doesn't stop spinning because of a dish on the side. Promise!!

FrodoBiggins · 07/07/2025 15:22

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 14:58

Oh yes he's into Andrew Tate

I would kick him out for this but the egg stuff is fine

Suednymph · 07/07/2025 15:22

Not sure if you bought the house with his father or you bought it and moved him in but christ if him cooking for himself to better his own health and is only going to the gym rather than out there injecting needles then maybe get yourself earplugs. I have diagnosed ocd and love a spotless home but would be able to compromise for the kids health. You sound genuinely like a nightmare.

MageQueen · 07/07/2025 15:23

lighthouseahoy · 07/07/2025 15:04

It does make a material difference though if the OP is the only one cleaning it. Has tidied everything away so it is ready for her to do breakfast in the morning, but someone has left mess for her to clean again before she starts.

If he wants to use the kitchen, he should tidy up after himself. The OP is not his maid.

Show quote history

Yes, this.

I mean, to be fair, much as it annoys me if I come down and DS has left a plate in the sink rather than just putting it in the dishwasher, I can live with that, up to a point. But I prepare meals in this house at least twice a day. I have limited workspace and I can't prepare a meal in a kitchen that's a mess. If I have to first CLEAR the workspace, that drives me crazy. If it's one plate, I'm rollig my eyes but just doing it myself. If it's an entire clean, I'm probably shouting at someone to get downstairs and clean up NOW.

SwearyYellowStartish · 07/07/2025 15:23

Charge him proper rent, but then yeah so long as he cleans up after himself he does as he pleases. I’d encourage him to move out because he’s an adult, but while he is living with you and you allow it, you can’t control his eating habits.

Jamesblonde2 · 07/07/2025 15:27

Have you got one of those open plan kitchens/rooms so you are being disturbed by the late cooking? If not, o can’t see the issue. Eating at 2:15am and waking you up is a bit much. But as long as it’s cleaned by him what’s the problem. I’m a tidy person but couldn’t get enraged about someone leaving 1 plate in the sink overnight. Just let him be.

ShoeeMcfee · 07/07/2025 15:28

This would really piss me off, too, OP. I do agree that you can't really stop him though. Has he made any sign that he wants to move out? It seems a rotten thing for you to have to do, though...waiting and waiting for SS to move out and take his bloody eggs and porridge with him.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 07/07/2025 15:35

Womanofcustard · 07/07/2025 14:32

I would be worried about the number of eggs. The NHS recommendation is up to seven PER WEEK. I would see this as disordered eating.
i think it’s reasonable to ask him to only do re-heating later in the evening. He’s imposing his disordered lifestyle and disordered eating on you.

That’s not true anymore. As long as you have an otherwise balanced diet, there is no limit. With the exception of people with familial hypercholesterolaemia.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/07/2025 15:42

Is it the actual cooking thats bothering you- ie you have in effect closed the kitchen or you see it as being "your" kitchen and you dont want anyone in there using it or is it not leaving the kitchen as immaculate as you want it?

How bad is the mess in the morning- if that issue was fixed and he left it exactly as he found it would you still be bothered by this- I only ask as it doesnt even sound like the untidyness, you seem very bothered by what he eats and when and I guess I just wanted to understand why him eating eggs and porridge bothers you so much?

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 07/07/2025 16:05

It's unlikely that £150 even covers your stepson's food bill. I would insist on a realistic contribution to the grocery shop, maybe 40 per cent, since he is almost certainly eating more than you or your husband. And any dishes he 'forgets' to wash get dumped on his bed.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:12

Ok to add some context. I do all the cooking for the family, plan the meals, buy the food and cook every bloody night.

I find it a major chore and feel like I am constantly in the kitchen tidying up etc. At the end of the day after the evening meal I just want some peace and quiet to relax.

Our biggest sitting room is open plan to the kitchen and I am looking at having doors put in but they are very expensive.

I do all the cooking as DH generally works until 7:30 most evenings.

Dss never offers to help prepare the meal and will only lay the table under sufferance as he is usually rushing to the gym.

The other children are 11 and 14 and help lay through table and clean up after dinner to a degree. Dh will help clear up after dinner but I just want to be done with the busy-ness of the kitchen for the day.
.
It isn't just the evening that dss wants to make food outside of regular meal times

At the weekend always has a late breakfast more eggs on toast, we'll often have lunch and then an hour later dss appears wanting to make god knows what. Dishwasher is on so dss leaves plates stacked on the side for me to look at for 2 ISH hours while the dishwasher is running

By the time dishwasher is finished he'll.have buggered off to the gym and so the kitchen grind starts again and me clearing up dss stack of plates.

It's just irritating and wearing.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 16:16

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 13:51

I'm not sure I can stand it and have said to DH that I will end up moving out before dss does.

If this was your child and not your step-child I don't believe there is any way that you would be threatening to move out because he cooks or left a plate in the sink.

Living with other people involves compromise all round and meeting in the middle. So enforcing on other people either a shit hole or a perfect show kitchen is not OK.

If your mum "wouldn't allow" you to cook as an adult at home then she also had control issues.

This young man works and earns a living, works out and likes to cook at home. Yes he should try to tidy up but he sounds pretty functional. Hopefully he is saving a deposit for a home as he sounds like he has a decent job.

ShoeeMcfee · 07/07/2025 16:19

This is the point, what is DSS plan for his future? Have you and DH discussed it with him?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/07/2025 16:20

it sounds like it isnt the not tidying up then- its the cooking outside of your designated time in a room you consider to be just yours
I have a feeling even if he was to leave the kitchen showroom clean it would still irritate you

Digdongdoo · 07/07/2025 16:20

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:12

Ok to add some context. I do all the cooking for the family, plan the meals, buy the food and cook every bloody night.

I find it a major chore and feel like I am constantly in the kitchen tidying up etc. At the end of the day after the evening meal I just want some peace and quiet to relax.

Our biggest sitting room is open plan to the kitchen and I am looking at having doors put in but they are very expensive.

I do all the cooking as DH generally works until 7:30 most evenings.

Dss never offers to help prepare the meal and will only lay the table under sufferance as he is usually rushing to the gym.

The other children are 11 and 14 and help lay through table and clean up after dinner to a degree. Dh will help clear up after dinner but I just want to be done with the busy-ness of the kitchen for the day.
.
It isn't just the evening that dss wants to make food outside of regular meal times

At the weekend always has a late breakfast more eggs on toast, we'll often have lunch and then an hour later dss appears wanting to make god knows what. Dishwasher is on so dss leaves plates stacked on the side for me to look at for 2 ISH hours while the dishwasher is running

By the time dishwasher is finished he'll.have buggered off to the gym and so the kitchen grind starts again and me clearing up dss stack of plates.

It's just irritating and wearing.

Sounds like everyone else in the house needs to step up, not only DSS. Why isn't DH contributing to the planning and shopping, even if he can't cook routinely? A few plates whilst the dishwasher runs is a total non issue, but he never loads/unloads, that's an issue.
But you can't have it all ways, it can't be your kitchen to your rigid standards if you expect equal contribution from other people.

Winter2020 · 07/07/2025 16:23

Blankscreen · 07/07/2025 16:12

Ok to add some context. I do all the cooking for the family, plan the meals, buy the food and cook every bloody night.

I find it a major chore and feel like I am constantly in the kitchen tidying up etc. At the end of the day after the evening meal I just want some peace and quiet to relax.

Our biggest sitting room is open plan to the kitchen and I am looking at having doors put in but they are very expensive.

I do all the cooking as DH generally works until 7:30 most evenings.

Dss never offers to help prepare the meal and will only lay the table under sufferance as he is usually rushing to the gym.

The other children are 11 and 14 and help lay through table and clean up after dinner to a degree. Dh will help clear up after dinner but I just want to be done with the busy-ness of the kitchen for the day.
.
It isn't just the evening that dss wants to make food outside of regular meal times

At the weekend always has a late breakfast more eggs on toast, we'll often have lunch and then an hour later dss appears wanting to make god knows what. Dishwasher is on so dss leaves plates stacked on the side for me to look at for 2 ISH hours while the dishwasher is running

By the time dishwasher is finished he'll.have buggered off to the gym and so the kitchen grind starts again and me clearing up dss stack of plates.

It's just irritating and wearing.

If you are fed up of cooking every night get your husband to cook when he is off work? Weekends? Get him to come home with take out now and then?

Your step son leaving a plate on the side because the dishwasher is on sounds like nothing to me.

If your own kids are not allowed to grab a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast because it us "outside of regular meal times" or the dishwasher is on I feel sorry for them because you sound very controlling.