Late evening eating

[Blankscreen]

I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

I feel there’s a difference between a 17 yo student (not technically an adult, not earning a good wage) and a 21 yo working full time and earning £30k a year plus commission whilst only funding his (expensive I’d bet) car phone & gym.
For me this issue goes further than the cooking etc: this man needs to move out or at least plan to, so he can cause disturbance and mess in his own kitchen fairly late at night (& let’s hope if it’s a house share his roommates are ok with that!)

I also have a nearly 21yo at home working full time on a degree apprenticeship. He pays low rent but on the basis he doesn't mess around, waste money but saves towards moving out in 4-5 years. Yes, i don't tidy up after him and yes, the house is definitely not always tidy to my liking, but one day he will leave. I guess I just think different to some people and everyone is different.

Does @Blankscreen work. If not, unfortunately she doesn't have a leg to stand on if her husband is happy to subsidise his son.

But this young man does mess around, does waste money, and doesn't save.
He leaves mess, upsets the running of the house, eats more than he pays, and treats OP like a skivvy.

Well my own son did that and I made him move out. If people are going to live with me for free they can either follow my rules or move out.
I am entitled to my life the way I want it.
I'm not here to run around cleaning up after men. Or anyone really.

Anything is difficult to live with if done to excess be it egg cooking or needing a perfect home.

If he wants everything his own tell him to find his own accommodation. If he is unwilling to be reasonable you have no other choice.

£30k per year!!! You’re definitely definitely not charging him enough!!!
he should be paying £550 absolute minimum!

He is ripping the utter p..s out of you. My daughter who wants working was paying me £200 a month to live in my house and contributed towards cleaning and cooking . The constant cleaning up after him would drive me insane,get him told

YANBU I really feel for you OP I would have flipped long ago probably might 3. I'm not even a tidy person I don't put my kitchen to bed I get up early and do it then but I would hate someone cooking like that every night.
My dsil had her DD, dds DH and their child live with her for weeks and she was down at our house regularly crying because she couldn't stand the son in law cooking after they had gone to bed every night and when she got up every day all his pots were in the sink.
It's just a total lack of respect and if course when you were brought up to respect the people who own the home /run the household it will risk you even more.
You sound worn down and I don't blame you.

Your really not my dss used to start making fajitas from scratch at 23:00 in my clean tidy kitchen. That was after his Asda delivery came at 10 and he couldn’t here the knock at the door so we had to take in all his shopping until her surfaced

OP, you said your DSS is eating 12 eggs a day. That's 84 a week and 360 a month , so it just about covers his rent !

I don't see how this is possible as well as probably being very detrimental to his health, and no doubt leading to shortages in the supermarkets 😉

Putting aside whether it’s actually any good for his health (which I doubt)…

He needs to pay more rent to cover all this food.

He needs to clear up properly - this means your DH taking him back each time to show him where he hasn’t cleaned up properly- until he does. I imagine it would be a lot less annoying if you knew it would be left genuinely in the way he found it.

What also concerns me is that this “bulking up” idea might be going hand in hand with other unhealthy internet trends, very sexist ones. Hence he’s leaving plates for you, and not cleaning up properly, because he thinks it’s your job to do. And he thinks he can rule the roost. This might be a reach but it’s the case of a lot of people.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJDLtBupWZQ/?igsh=M2FyYnB4aTVxZ3lj

😂

Maybe you do cut him some slack, but with structure.

I can sympathise with a young adult who doesn’t quite “see” the work that goes into keeping everything clean on an ongoing basis, until and after they move out and have to notice and do everything themselves. That is a normal life transition. YANBU to want DSS to make that transition rather than always allowing housework to pass beneath his notice.

In terms of getting through to DSS, some changes he might consider to incorporate his passion for health and fitness (commendable) while fitting into the parental home in cooperation with the person taking care of the family as a whole. One or more of these has already been mentioned, but here is a package deal.

1. On being in sync: he could research and/or think of make-ahead versions of his go-to protein fixes, such as tray-bake eggs; overnight oats, that he could prep at times that you agree. The internet is full of ideas. If he does things in advance chances are he can manage fitting in with the dishwasher loading cycle.

2. On avoiding mess: as well as making ahead he could also pre-portion his servings and use sustainable disposable packaging. Treat his on-the-go food as a takeaway/convenience product even if he’s consuming it at home. Single-use wrappers might be more noticeably “wasteful” than running extra water for handwashing outside of the dishwasher on a constant basis but that is a trade off that seems worth it here. If he uses disposable packaging he could be eating on his own schedule with little to footprint during kitchen downtime. The bustle of activity itself bothers you, not just the mess; this tactic would help him minimize his occupation of the kitchen during your downtime.

3. On abandoning kitchen mid-task: He could perhaps find equipment or a space to do some of his working out at home. Could he make some space for that? It doesn’t take much. The internet is full of stuff you can do with regular household items/furniture, or even just your own body, e.g. there are a bunch of workouts published by former prison inmates. If he does just some of his workouts at home, he can take care of his kitchen projects in short bursts.

A less pleasant for everyone option would be if he agrees or is made to take washing-up away from the kitchen if he’s leaving it for later. You could maybe present this as the alternative if he gives excuses for not doing at least 1, 2 or 3 of the above.

Now this is where it becomes unreasonable. You’re not the only adult living in the house. I’d rather have a relaxed atmosphere than a show home. The thought of being nagged because someone else has unreasonably high standards (you like it ‘perfect’) would make me want to move out.

On the whole, I find the gym obsessives tedious and boring as hell. Cooking in the middle of the night would annoy me too, I’m relaxed so a plate left in the sink would not annoy at all. I get your frustrations, but I still think they are unreasonable.

However, your home yours and your husbands rules and you’d need to have in the least a united front. If he continues, I’d charge him more for the inconvenience. Knowing he might have to pay more…for you to clear up after him, might encourage him to in the least leave it as he found it.

The thing is, yes he’s an adult but he lives in the family home. He is a family member and you’re a primary carer, it’s not a flat share where you’d be free to walk away. You are being relied on for general upkeep of this home. He’s not of equal standing in that regard and owes you some deference. Just keep that as your mental framework (for not accepting pushback) but of course as loving family members it’s going to be more helpful to focus on constructive solutions rather than try to win an argument.

very this. He’s turning a blind eye to your work while allowing it to pass beneath him. Bulking or not, rushing to the gym is a choice he’s making; he’s choosing not to manage his time so as to clean up after himself. This effectively steals hers; he’s effectively employing her for that work. Without pay or consent. DH could show him how much he’d have to pay someone to be coming in and performing those maid services. It’s not due to him for free. Funny how a 21 year old is a “kid” who can’t be expected to know how to clean properly but an “adult” who can’t be asked to consider others.

Well he likely has a body dysmorphia disorder for starters.

Otherwise as I say in all these type of situations, your house, your rules. If he doesn’t abide by them he can live elsewhere.

Is it possible/ practical to convert another space to be a mini kitchen for him? Somewhere he can cook eggs / porridge/toast away from where you cook.

At this point in the year an outside space might work with a BBQ / camping stove.

It's not reasonable to restrict him from cooking or from late night eating. It might be reasonable to make him do his cooking somewhere else that disturbs everyone else less.

What he eats isn't anybody else's business unless he's eating chunks of ingredients for meals or other people's favourite snacks etc. Doesn't matter if it looks weird, just let it go.

No he doesn't. We had a cupboard of creatine, vitamins etc. and the dietary requirements with our gym bunny teenagers 🙄

Yes he does. You obviously have no idea what body dysmorphia is.

@GiveDogBone

He doesn’t have body dysmorphia, ffs - he just wants to look buff (…at OP’s expense…)