Late evening eating

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I need some perspective as I m not sure if I am being grumpy.

Dss 21 lives at home full time. He has a job and goes to work 9-5 as do DH and I.

Dss is obsessed with the gym and bulking.
He finishes work, drives past his gym to come home to eat before he can work out. He eats 4 poached eggs on toast.

Even if I am in the process of cooking dinner he can't wait. He eats his eggs and goes to the gym and wants dinner kept for when he get home.

He gets in about 10:30 and he starts reheating his dinner and making more eggs and porridge. .
This is every weeknight.

At the weekend he goes to the gym slightly earlier.

Last night he appeared as dinner was being dished up at 7:30. By the time we had eaten an cleared up it was 8:15. Kitchen was done, floor swept, worktops polished

At about 10:10 he appeared to start the great big cook up of eggs and porridge etc I snapped and said I was sick of it and enough is enough. He needs to have a protein shake. To which I was told it's not enough calories.. DH tried to intervene and placate and said that as long as he clears up it's ok.

Thing is he never clears up properly. I also don't want the constant noise and mess of cooking and clearing up going in whilst I want to relax.
This morning his dirty plate is left in the sink.

AIBU to say no more cooking late at night? He can reheat his dinner but the rest needs to stop.
The other week I got woken up at 2:15am and he was making eggs as he's been out

He has 12 eggs and 9 slices of bread a day, plus lunch, plus porridge, plus dinner plus mountains of fruit, yogurt snack etc.

Not a 'house share' per se, but you share a house with other adults and I'm afraid that comes with some compromise. If you want total control over the activities in your house, you have to live alone. You can't dictate the behaviour of other adults whose home it also is, just because you have a preference for something different.

would it help if he was to buy his own shopping? If he has specific things he wants to eat and he is earning a good wage it seems sensible he buys eggs, bread, etc himself and any snacks he wants

I couldn’t live like this… you need a family meeting to sort it out!!! It’s all hands on deck in this house, 13 yrs old DC cooks one night per week for us, DH does meals at the weekends, I do the other four. We have a rota for washing up ware doesn’t make it to the dishwasher - nothing gets left in the sink. And £150 pm is ridiculous rent for a 21 yr old on a good salary WTAF!!!

Reheating something in the microwave will be noisier than just making porridge on the hob which creates little to no noise at all.

Likewise eggs. They aren't noisy prep or cooking foods.

You're getting a hard time here OP. I think because you said DSS rather than DS.

People saying things like "if shopping, meal planning and cooking are such a chore" IF? Of course they're a fucking chore. There are three adults in this house, if your DH is making his contribution by being the main wage earner, what excuse has his son got? He's not even covering his own food costs.

You're not his maid, he needs to clean up after himself. He needs to shop for himself for anything he wants outside of the food served as part of a family meal. He needs to stop treating you like Andrew Tate tells him he should

From my experience with young adults at home I would prefer late night cooking being poached eggs and porridge over massive fry ups etc ! It does come with the territory but I do wonder if his obsessive gym attendance and eating is a sign of OCD/ ED ?

I’m with you OP - it would really annoy me at that time of night. The noise, smells and mess.
We never did it at home either, no-one started cooking etc after dinner / kitchen cleaned up unless parents made us a snack for supper (which would have been 8pm latest probably).
By 21 I think I’d moved out, but even in late teens if I’d been out in the eve and was hungry afterwards we’d have bought something from a garage or shop on the way home and eaten it before we got back.
He is an adult, not a child, and seeing how much he’s earning etc, he could easily move out. What he is paying you per month is pittance.
From the info you’ve given, I wouldn’t regard him as an equal in the house because you and partner are paying the lions share of the house mortgage / rent / bills etc and are the main upkeepers of the house. Your dss is looking after himself only.
Thereby, your house, your rules, no matter how old he is.

I get it OP, my ex was a wanna be strong man. It’s the constant bloody eggs and porridge I felt like I was constantly cleaning his egg pan 3 times a day he made eggs and he’d just leave the pan dirty on the hob in between.
So I definitely understand, I don’t know what you can do about it though, maybe be a bit stricter about his clean up. 🤷‍♀️ they don’t though

YAB massively U…

who cares if the kitchen isn’t picture perfect? Are you expecting a Homes & Garden photoshoot in the morning? Be grateful he has a healthy hobby and works and pays his way, and cleans up after he does his own cooking.

He sounds like The Incredible Bulk 😱

Can he not batch cook boiled eggs, chicken or whatever protein for the week!? Might save on the constant cooking and mess. Maybe have a time where there’s no more cooking (aside from using microwave) say 9pm
or whatever you want that applies to everyone. It irritates me when people are messing about when I’ve cleaned up and am trying to relax for the night, but he should be able to make protein foods in advance.

@takealettermsjones

if he was an adult he would clean up after himself properly. He isn’t doing that. He needs to move out and live in a houseshare with mates where he can do what he wants

he sounds greedy and gluttonous

@Iceplanet

good riddance! It’s blissful for a woman to live alone without men

@CantThinkOfAUsername57

why would you be glad?! No one needs porridge and eggs each night after dinner, it’s just greed

A young adult male, training hard at the gym will absolutely need more calories than you or OP. That really shouldn’t be a difficult concept for you to grasp.

@Winter2020

he should TRY to tidy up?! wtf! He can tidy up! This is a man who has a job I think he’s more than capable. Not leave it to Op to sort because she’s a woman. Why should be clearing up after a GROWN MAN?!

much internalised misogyny on this thread, it really is quite depressing

@CantThinkOfAUsername57

not that many.

I honestly think you are overreacting. My 17 year old eats non stop. Today 40 minutes before dinner he got in from college and starting making waffles. Then had his dinner. Is out now but I know he will be back around 9pm and start on food again. When he is gym training and doing football he can't be filled. My house will never be a show house. Its a warm welcoming family home. I know if I want an immaculate house/kitchen then I move out and live on my own.

I feel your pain my daughter is 24 and her pt told her to eat more. She is always cooking. And yes lots of eggs. Usually when I’m trying to clean kitchen. She leaves it reasonably clean but like you I am fastidious about my clean kitchen & it’s never clean enough. Then her boyfriend arrives at the weekend and they will be cooking the type of brunch that involves eggs, salmon, avocados etc etc. as if they are living some dream life 😂. I really do have to bite my tongue sometimes. But she is moving out next year so I will probably miss this when she is gone. I really do understand your frustration though. I say to her she is always eating & cooking! A full meal for lunch & dinner & breakfast. Unbelievable and she is tiny! I don’t have an answer but hoping there will be one on this thread!

He needs to move out, show him the door!

I feel you OP, I have a bio son who is a late night cooker (doesn’t live with us anymore) and my dss has just started meal prepping and cooks at silly times too. (12.45am one Sunday 🙃, woke us all up and I had to put my foot down there) 10pm I would let slide but later than that, no.
It won’t be forever

I'd say poaching eggs and boiling oats isn't much of an imposition on the household?

If you're not using the kitchen I'd say that sounds like quite a reasonable snack/small meal for someone to make for themselves.

This is assuming he pays for his own food, cleans up fully, and chips in for the cost of cleaning products and utilities.

I do understand if you like just pottering and chilling in the kitchen or it's near to the living room so it might be disruptive in a way. But the food itself isn't like something elaborate and messy that takes hours and loads of pots and pans etc.

I guess you could ask he batch cooked the oats but eggs take two minutes or so, so can't really be made any quicker.

I hope he is planning on moving out fairly soon!

If he lived in his own or a shared flat he would clean his own bedroom,bathroom and do his own laundry! It is not a sign that he is a fully functioning adult. He would also pay a lot more in rent, and have to fund his own eating habits. If he is working fulltime you need to talk to him about his current living arrangements and what plans he is making for moving on. I would hope from what you have said that since his main expenses seem to be a car, gym membership and the pathetic amount he pays you that he is saving at least £800 a month in his moving out fund and preferably more.