To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

[Mumbletoomuch]

I’m struggling with the fact my very reasonable friends seem incapable or scared of saying no to their children.

Child wants to eat the last homemade cupcake (second helping) when everyone else has had one? Of course. Just eats the icing off and wastes the rest? Just laughs it off

Child has friends over to play but wants to watch telly for hours straight? Meaning the play date is a TV marathon? Of course

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

Child wants to role play with parent while they’re having a conversation with a friend? Of course. This means the adult conversation is disjointed and pointless, not a problem.

I’ve become self-conscious about how many boundaries and ‘no’ I give to my children, or if it is legitimately annoying and lazy parenting. We go on holidays, we do fun things, I play with them, we watch TV, they eat sweets, but I say no to a lot during the day. I would say no or boundary set in all the above examples.

AIBU?

I’ve never had a problem saying no.

I don’t know about most parents but each of those situations would depend on the age of the child tbh. I have no problem saying no to mine.

Yanbu. I agree wholeheartedly! I think some people see their children as little 'mini mes' or as their best friend, which can lend itself to indulging the child.

Some of these things are really non issues.

Find different friends. We’re out there!

Not a problem for me

It might just be in front of you because of what comes next,in our family it can work out fine or result in a row, we are working with our ten yo because his go to is storming off. They might say no usually but are afraid of what it reveals about their family if they say it in front of you.

Some parents are like this.

I also meet just as many parents who create rules for rules sake.

Neither children’s behaviour seems munch different based on these strategies tbh, so I don’t think it’s the main factor in influencing the child’s behaviour.

No problem for me.

I wouldn’t mind the slushie instance though. It happens all the time. I just say different parents have different rules and she can’t have one.

Might be the people you know. I have a relative who proudly doesn’t say no to her two and it shows. But all the families we’re friends with and spend time with can and do say no.

I bore myself to tears if I end up saying it too often, if mine are being relatively reasonable I’d far rather say yes later or offer an alternative or something rather than repeating no but if I never said no they’d probably be dead.

I cannot abide parents letting their children interrupt adult conversations! It's so rude and all it does is teach the child that the world revolves around them!
And people wonder why their children have problems adapting to real life once they leave school ......

I used to have a second job doing child minding/babysitting through an agency.

One day was at a new family's house for the first time. Trying to have a chat with mum and 4 year old started hitting me with a stick. She ignored it. I asked him to stop hitting me because it wasn't very nice to hit people.
She told me off for telling him off.

Oddly I found I was always to busy to go back there again...

There's a difference between being afraid to say no, and having different boundaries from other parents.

I'm happy to say no, but I also allow a lot of things that maybe other parents wouldn't. So you might think I'm a lax/useless parent, but the reality is that your boundary is not necessarily my boundary. And that's fine, so long as we're all tolerant enough to understand that different people parent differently. Of course there is a core of unacceptable behaviour, like hitting etc., and I find I'm busy quite often if invited to spend time with parents who can't deal with bad behaviour that directly affects others.

You are absolutely not wrong.
Children need to hear the word no, it’s a simple fact of life that you cannot have everything you want, when you want it!

I frequently notice it with parents who don’t seem to notice their child scream shouting in public places or running around restaurants/supermarkets.

A lot of parents will do anything for an easy life, I fear it will bite them on the behind massively the older the child gets.

I think all I say to my kids is "no".

But then, I am a monster.

I'd say yes to those things but no to others.

What makes you right and me wrong?

Edit apart from the role play thing

THIS. I’ve sat before watching a conversation between friends. Friend 1 is being hit in the face with a balloon by Friend 2’s child. Friend 2 carries on the conversation and just ignores her child doing that, requiring Friend 1 to ask them to stop, a request at no point reinforced by the parent.

Interesting perspective @stayathomer

I think that most parents say no because they know that it’s the right thing to do sometimes and the ones who don’t are setting their kids up for problems with their peers and school because they won’t hesitate to say no when appropriate.

Yeah I’d say no to all that. I don’t enjoy it because I’ll get whinging back but still, you have to say no sometimes.

But are these all separate incidents OP?

If so I think you're being judgemental as, in my experience, while some parents are more averse to disciplining than others, mostly it seems parents are concerned about different things

@Eldermileniummam I think this thread topic is the definition of judgemental. I’m so high on my high horse.

But it’s something I’m noticing more and more. And it doesn’t translate into higher expectations of behaviour in other areas from what I can see. There’s so much TV/screen parenting everywhere, that it sometimes feels like if the child isn’t plugged into a screen the parent has learnt to keep that same ‘quiet’ by saying yes to everything. Even at the expense of social manners and health. But these can often be switched on parents. I’ve seen on two occasions my friend’s parents (the grandparent) seeming exasperated at the behaviour of the children, and stepping in to do the parenting ‘no’.

Yes I think you're right, and I think it's getting worse.
Don't get me wrong, I think we can all be guilty of it sometimes, but if it's constant it becomes a problem....kids need boundaries.
But it makes parents lives easier just to say yes to whatever the kids want and avoid tantrums or having to actually go the effort of debating something, getting involved etc, so some just become accustomed to take the easy route I think.
It's just the same with screen time.....it's easier to not put boundaries in with it to 'keep the peace' (and also stop people having to parent for awhile!) but of course it's not the right approach, and parents don't realise they will often pay for these attitudes later with disrespectful and entitled teenagers/young adults who have no self discipline as they haven't been held to account for anything or encouraged to consider others and take responsibility.

Never had an issue myself, and my dc appreciated my parenting to the extent one of my DD’s is in the military and said if they needed childcare help (as in months not a weekend) they would ask me not mil who has offered, unfortunately for them I’m not keen!!!)

The TV one wouldn’t really bother me - I’ve never known a child want that at a play date but if both kids were happy 🤷‍♀️

The rest I’d say no to, but most parents have different boundaries to one another.

I say no. I don’t say it to things I don’t think are an issue.

I'm pretty sure my 2 year old thinks his name is no at this point.