To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

[Mumbletoomuch]

I’m struggling with the fact my very reasonable friends seem incapable or scared of saying no to their children.

Child wants to eat the last homemade cupcake (second helping) when everyone else has had one? Of course. Just eats the icing off and wastes the rest? Just laughs it off

Child has friends over to play but wants to watch telly for hours straight? Meaning the play date is a TV marathon? Of course

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

Child wants to role play with parent while they’re having a conversation with a friend? Of course. This means the adult conversation is disjointed and pointless, not a problem.

I’ve become self-conscious about how many boundaries and ‘no’ I give to my children, or if it is legitimately annoying and lazy parenting. We go on holidays, we do fun things, I play with them, we watch TV, they eat sweets, but I say no to a lot during the day. I would say no or boundary set in all the above examples.

AIBU?

Unfortunately the vibe from children professionals in the UK is now to always praise children and try not to say negative things, so people stopped saying 'No'. Unfortunately this is what we are being told and taught. What are the outcomes for the children when they grow up - we can all see for ourselves.

In this example you could maybe see how you treating your child differently may impact the other parents? Yes they can just say no, but if you hadn’t allowed it in the first place they wouldn’t all be needing to then do damage control.

Except Theres absolutely no reason why one should do the same than everyone else.
Like I was probably the stricter parent in the group. I’m sure no one would have had an issue if I had said NO to my dcs whilst the others said Yes. It’s only an issue if the parent says YES but you don’t want to AND you have a problem saying NO in the first place…..

Which is an interesting pov when the OP feels it’s other parents that have problem with saying no ….

I have never, ever encountered in real life a parent who doesn't use the word 'no' - and I live in exactly the kind of middle class, hippy stronghold that people claim it is rife in. I see plenty of wet parenting but only on MN do I hear of parents who don't use the word no, either in principle or in practice. I would very much like to see an example of the 'children professionals' who say you must always praise children and never say negative things?

How is any of it selfish? OP doesn’t say or suggest anyone else wanted the cupcake, the suggestion seems to be simply that the child shouldn’t ever have another because they are a child.
Why is it selfish to order my child the drink they want?
Why would I put the thoughts and feelings of others above my own child? Do you hear yourself? I should say no to my child in a situation I don’t particularly care about because another parent doesn’t want to hold their own boundary?
If you want your child to drink squash and not a slushie that’s your call, I’m allowed to let mine have one on a special occasion like a party and it’s not my job to say no to my child simply to make your parenting easier.
That is actually what is selfish here.

Imagine being so obtuse to call someone else selfish because they aren’t living life by your parenting rules and you can’t parent your own children. Mental.

I say no. Sometimes it is more hassle than it's worth, but I'm with you on all of your points!

Yeah, I'm not sure I see the logic either. The first parent is asked for a slushee: they can say yes or no. The fact that this means it's more likely other parents will be in the same situation seems neither here nor there to me? Plus, in reality, these places normally have the slushees very prominently displayed and advertised, so other kids will clock on that they're available and ask for them whether or not the first child gets on.

You can’t really speak for all parents though. Others have already posted this wouldn’t bother them.

Does this mean no parent can give their child anything when they are near other children jic another child kicks off because they want what their child is having?

I would very much like to see an example of the 'children professionals' who say you must always praise children and never say negative things?

I'm going through some training at the moment and this is what we are being told. This is coming from the government, believe it or not.

It seems all those saying “parents these days can’t say no” actually mean they want other parents to say no so that they can avoid saying no to their own children.

I think it’s likely you’re being told to label the behaviour and not the child. I trained as a teacher 15 years ago and we were being taught that then.

Children aren’t naughty, their behaviour can involve making the wrong choice, hitting is unkind. Use we instead of you. Etc.

Because getting a slushie when everyone is having squash (even if you're paying for it) is tacky AF

I don’t have a problem saying no, or meaning it. Just boring isn’t it?

I think if you are a birthday party and are not had birthday child, then no you shouldn’t get your parents to buy you special stuff that nobody else is getting.

If it is a random day in soft play, fill your boots.

So it’s ok for adults to have whatever drink they like, but not for children to have separate drinks because some may kick off?

It's really not, sad you can't see this. Imagine if everyone said no to their kids having a cellphone before age 16 and what a different, better world we would create for our children (as one example where people feel they have to follow the pack). But generally you saying no creates a shitty brat that impacts the general enjoyment for everyone else. My DC and I do alot of classes, and have done since they were a baby, every class be has one little shit kid that ruins it for all the other kids, the parents and the teacher - all because the parent never says no.

I can explain it to you, I can't understand it for you. My DC literally would not bat an eyelid.

What on earth are you talking about.
I say no to my kids plenty, about things I care about and rules I put in place.
What I won’t do is enforce your arbitrary rules on my child so that you don’t have to say no or parent yours. It’s not my job to make your rules easier to enforce.

I have no problem saying no. Some of your examples aren't really an issue. If I decide to give my child a slush and other kids are moaning that's on the parents of the other children. I've said no to my child when they've seen other children have a treat they want, they accept the answer and go off to play.

Nothing wrong with the child asking, up to the parents to say yes or no..

As a parent it wouldn’t bother me what another parent chooses to buy their child. A birthday party where there are slushies, is very likely a public place where they are sold.

It's not about you though is it? We have to live alongside your spoilt little brat, that's the actual issue.

🤯🤦🏼‍♀️

You’re the nasty one here so good luck with your parenting ✌️

But children are not responsible for the feelings of other people, nor should that responsibility be put on children. Your child's meltdown because they see my child have xyz doesn't mean my child should go without, just as its up to me to manage my child when your kid has xyz and they don't. Life isn't fair so what you're describing is actually holding small children to an overly high account. You're teaching them to ignore their own needs in order to please others when the others might not even care. Same as when they go to the supermarket and see kids on the ride on machines, or eating over priced ice cream at the circus or whatever the situation. Kids are surrounded by that day and daily it's a normal and natural part of life that we need to help them learn to regulate in the midst of.

Obviously this is nuanced and noone should be setting out to deliberately harm others, or be overly selfish in any relationship etc. But you could take that to a crazy extreme in either direction.

It's not my job to limit my child's opportunities be they big or small, incase you then need to help your child manage their emotions around that, nor would I be raising my child to make themselves smaller in order to please others. I don't think that goes any way to fostering resilience but it does promote really unhealthy ideals in relationships and friendships.

Agree.

whats the problem wanting the last cupcake if everyone else has had one? So what if they just lick the icing off?

Mine wouldn’t care because he would be too busy eating or playing to worry about what other children are getting.