To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

[Mumbletoomuch]

I’m struggling with the fact my very reasonable friends seem incapable or scared of saying no to their children.

Child wants to eat the last homemade cupcake (second helping) when everyone else has had one? Of course. Just eats the icing off and wastes the rest? Just laughs it off

Child has friends over to play but wants to watch telly for hours straight? Meaning the play date is a TV marathon? Of course

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

Child wants to role play with parent while they’re having a conversation with a friend? Of course. This means the adult conversation is disjointed and pointless, not a problem.

I’ve become self-conscious about how many boundaries and ‘no’ I give to my children, or if it is legitimately annoying and lazy parenting. We go on holidays, we do fun things, I play with them, we watch TV, they eat sweets, but I say no to a lot during the day. I would say no or boundary set in all the above examples.

AIBU?

Yes you're right some parents are like this and it's quite infuriating. I have a friend who allows her 6yo son to completely rule everything she does, he is incredibly rude and demanding, he told us we had to stop talking to each other because our voices were annoying him and she instantly stopped chatting to me! I have had to distance myself from her because I refuse to be dictated to by a 6yo.

Tbf parents are also picking their battles. You wouldn't really know what else has been going on that day/week whatever.

I also think society has absolutely no patience for children or parents or parenting and some just handle that weight better than others.

Tbh this is kind of my thinking - especially because you're only getting a snapshot out of a day and I would try to relax my boundaries for special occasions - for example ds rarely gets sugar but at a party I know that's going to happen so I go with it.

I see no issue with the last cupcake tbh, someone needs to eat the last one and for me that's fine as long as everyone has had one. Nor would I dictate that they have to finish any food when they feel done. To me that's also part of kids learning their limits.

The slushy thing is similar - I wouldn't give that to ds because of his age, if he starts whining because another kid gets it - that's okay. He's still not getting one. But I also wouldn't expect everyone to only take squash simply incase they start a domino effect.

When I want to meet to catch up with friends properly, I'll ring them or we'll meet up without the kids, I'm not going on a playdate to pretend my kid doesn't exist nor would I expect them to do that with theirs. Ds is currently going through the phase of interrupting and turning my face to him when I'm talking to someone and I'll correct that but I also won't expect him to sit there bored while I chat. There's a balance I guess is what I'm trying to say and that'll be different for everyone and will depend on the day.

And I say no to my ds all the time, to the point I've actually started working on trying to find ways to say 'yes' more often without compromising my boundaries with him so everything isn't just a no and a conflict. I do think sometimes I catch myself saying no to things I could actually be saying yes to, and it's usually more because I'm actually feeling a bit dysregulated than because it's an issue.

I also think some parents are maybe trying to ensure their kids have a different experience growing up than they had which isn't a bad thing in itself. I think most people on the whole are trying their best and want the best for their kids.

Why is everyone pretending that saying "no" is easy? It's a pain in the arse, the child fights back, you have to stand your ground. Not easy when you're exhausted.
I did and still say "no", many times, but I brace myself every time.
(And I think that's the right way. I would hate to have a limp child who accepts everything without questioning)

No issue saying no here and DD knows what no means

No -but I'm a teacher, so it just rolls off my tongue with my own DC. They think I'm properly harsh.
My friends are all really good at saying no and having firm boundaries too, but we mostly met through attachment / gentle / authoritative parenting groups so it goes with the territory. My DC are happy to take "No" with zero explanation or justification as they trust my reasoning.

Nor me, saying no makes the yes ocassions more significant too, imho.

in my early 20’s I got a job looking after 3 boys aged 2,4 and 5. They were the most badly behaved boys. The parents didn’t say no to them and they could do what they wanted. I lasted 2 days before saying I couldn’t look after them anymore as they just didn’t listen or do as they were told. The middle boy at age 17 beat to death a 15 year old boy. And the other 2 boys are drug addicts with a number of petty offences.
This family were middle class, a 2 parent family, lived in a massive house, lovely furniture and every comfort. The parents worked 8-7 5 days a week, and the parents gave the children everything they asked for, they hardly saw the children in the week and felt guilty so tried to over compensate and this was the result.

Where did the giant monster slush come from, if the parent was serving "squash?"

The party venue? I imagine the parent just went up to the counter at bought it.

I did not know that the party was at of venue. I was not there.

Thank you for posting this. I think this often. It drives me absolutely mad.

Is your DS an only child?

Exactly, it's necessary but it's also hard and tiring and you do have to pick your fights. When you've got a child that argues and negotiates everything it's really tough constantly trying to maintain appropriate lines. The children themselves veer wildly between justified and robust challenge and basically just strops and it's a job trying to figure out which is which.

I wasn't there either but usually party venues = huge slushies.

I Think it’s just a case of different people picking different battles. I have no problem saying no, but I only say it when I have a good reason for it. I don’t see the point of saying no for the sake of it. Equally I expect my kids to understand that different parents have different rules according to what works for their family and I don’t care how much screen time/sweets/freedom/pocket money their mate is allowed.

100% and it’s getting progressively worse.

Im not sure if it’s the lack of ability to say no or just that the boundaries are very lax/seemingly nonexistent. Children appear to be given a choice far more frequently than before.

I see so many parents asking the child’s opinion on things that should be instilled. Far younger than is reasonable. I work with children and I’ve noticed a massive downturn in the last couple of years.
Parents unable to herd their children inside/to the car etc. (They’re 2, pick them up!)
Or parents having to ask the opinion of a 7yr old over different changes in schedule (Who will be driving the car?)

Unsurprisingly, things children choose not to do are declining… potty training age is at an all time high, healthy eating habits are at an all time low, avoidance behaviour and anxiety are seen from extremely young ages. It’ll be interesting how bad it gets before it goes full circle. I wonder if these kids with minimal parenting and guidance will go to the opposite extreme as parents themselves or continue the trend?

This has got to be an only child? I wonder if that’s what’s changing parenting? The average amount per family is 1.something so the child is able to be more selfish simply because they don’t need to not.
We had a similar situation with the cupcake with my nephew, he couldn’t see any reason why he couldn’t have the last one. It didn’t cross his mind that anyone else was no more or less entitled to it than himself.

He is an only child but I'm not - I still think that by that logic, noone eats it incase someone else wants it and it goes to waste. I come from a bigger family and rules were that as long as you wait until everyone's had a first serving equally then the rest is fair game for first come first served, if you missed out then you should have spoken up. Same rules applied at every bbq or youth event with food I've ever run or seen run. To me it's better than wasted food. And I do promote sharing and empathy in loads of other ways.

From 3 year olds up to 15 they know no means no hence no spoilt tantrums, and tbh when it's a yes they appreciate it even more. We rarely have to say no because the old adage if you ask you don't get stands with us aswell lol. They know if we have the money we will get it and if we don't then don't ask anyway. If your given juice then that's what's available not a whole beverage trial for them

Parent your children how you wish (try not to break them). When it comes to how others parent theirs: if you don't like the children/parents your child is spending time with then stop seeing them/arranging play dates/parties with them. Moreover, you can absolutely call out a child's inappropriate behaviour with their parent - just don't do it in front of the children or in front of other parents (no one likes being told they are doing something wrong at the best of times, let alone with an audience!). Be polite, be reasonable, and provide a solution as well as the problem. And expect that you will get pushback - and likely some prompted correction of your own parenting/social skills.

Never had a problem saying no when it's a bad idea, but you pick your battles.

And I don't see anything wrong with children being allowed an opinion over certain things. Overly authoritarian parenting can be extremely damaging. My parents were born in the 1930s and even they thought that, being far more chilled out as parents than the parenting they had received.

Every situation, child and parent are different it’s unreasonable to judge it as a general thing. If you have specific friendships/ situations that impact on you then take a step back from them.
Also if you have children you say no to and they just accept that congratulations you have easy going children.

This. I say no about 100 times a day to my 4yo. Sometimes I feel quite bad about it! In saying that I was on a playdate yesterday and the other child is so badly behaved, that mother also says no but there's zero follow up. So you need to say no and mean it. I had to tell her child to stop doing something and he just looked at me in amusement. No means nothing to that kid.

🙄