To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

'It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.'

Your feelings on the matter cannot make it not sexist. Sorry.

If it’s about sharing a name as a family, why is it always the man’s?

He had a much better surname...

When as many men take their wives names as vice versa it will cease to be sexist. That's also a valid way for the family to share a name if that's important, isn't it?

YABU. Why doesn’t the child and man take his wife’s name?

Why does it have to the man’s?

Always the way, isn't it? Remarkable how his sisters are likely to marry men with even better names!

I was abused by birth father and he went to present. I jumped at the chance to get away from the association of my past. IDGAF if it’s sexist. DH was happy to take mine or take a new one but couldn’t see the point in the double faff of us both having a new name

Oh I agree, that's why men do it so frequently too.

The best thing to do, is make up your own, shared family name 👍

I hated both my maiden names( biological and step fathers )they belonged to awful men, I was glad to change it when I married.

My Dd double barreled her name i think it is preference nowadays as there is more choice, I know other people will disagree .

I took my husband’s name and kept it post divorce because I wanted to share a surname with my kids and I had no attachment to my old surname. If I were to marry again then I’d definitely double barrel.
I think it’s regressive and I think that an ideal future would have the couple having a new surname or equal probability of taking the woman’s surname if they wanted to share a surname. Sometimes people have a professional reputation under an old name so changing doesn’t work. I’m thinking about Cheryl Cole who remained Cole despite a divorce, remarriage and second divorce so should have stayed Tweedy.

I get why it raises eyebrows. For me, it’s not about defaulting to the man’s name because he’s the man. It’s more that I’m personally not attached to my surname and I liked the idea of us sharing one. If he’d felt the same about his, I’d have been open to choosing something new or even combining names. I think it depends on the couple but I don’t see choosing his name (with intention) as a loss - just one version of building something shared.

Its sexist to insist you know more about another person's life and whats best for them than they do.

Keep the old name. Combine them. Change them. Make up a new one. Do whats best for you.

(Its not my husbands name now. Its our name.)

Absolutely, and I’d agree it’d be great to see more variety in how couples decide on a shared name. For me, the issue isn’t that it’s always the woman who should change her name, just that sometimes a woman might want to, without it meaning she’s blindly following tradition. If both options are treated as valid, that’s real choice. The goal should be freedom, not just flipping the script.

If your motivation was genuinely to ditch the name with unpleasant associations and you just wanted a family name then you would have both changed to a new name and had equal 'faff'. But you didn't.

I don’t think it has to be the man’s name - I just don’t think it’s inherently sexist if a woman chooses it for her own reasons. In my case, it feels like a way of starting something shared - not a loss. But yes, it’d be good if we saw more men taking their wife’s name too or couples creating something new altogether. It’s the rigidity that’s the issue - not the choice itself.

Individually it can obviously be done for reasons other than sexism.

DH would have taken my name. His brother changed his name, and his best friends both went double barrelled - no one cared, no one thought it was weird, it’s not unusual amongst his friends at all.
But DH’s first name is the same as my surname (eg he’d have been William Williams), and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to not want such a silly name. My first name is also sometimes a surname and no way would I have changed my name if I’d married a man with that surname.
I wanted the same name as my children, and so did DH. I could have said “nope, I’m keeping my name and the children are having mine” but I didn’t care enough about keeping my name to do that. Having the same name as my children was important to me, so it wouldn’t have felt reasonable of me to say that DH couldn’t have it as well. I’d have felt differently if DH had unreasonably refused to change his name to mine, and just automatically expected me to change. But that’s not what happened.

I find it mildly annoying that people probably assume it was a mindless automatic decision. But I wasn’t going to make a different decision just because of what others might think.

Why do you think it's mostly women who just happen to have less attachment to their surnames than men? It's social conditioning!! Change your name if you want, nobody gives a shit but of course it's sexist - own it.

That makes no sense. Why bother with two sets of paperwork.

When I hear people make this argument about really wanting to move away from their birth name, I wonder why they waited for marriage. You can change your name at any time.
But I understand that changing your name at a time other than marriage raises questions you might not want to answer about the your family and why you’re doing it. People can be rude when nosey.

But those 'options' were conditioned through patriarchy. Do it by all means, we live in a free country, but own it.

Of course social conditioning plays a role, I’m not denying that. I just think there’s a difference between blindly following a norm and making a conscious choice that feels right for you. I didn’t feel a strong identity attachment to my surname and I don’t see opting into something shared with my partner as ‘losing’ anything. But I do agree it’s worth interrogating why those feelings are more common in women, I just don’t think that invalidates every choice made within that context.

I don’t know if it’s sexist but it’s not a feminist act.

Nothing wrong with doing no it though!

As an aside, most women I know who kept their own name in marriage (or didn’t marry their partner at all) have their children their father’s name. Which suggests that most women don’t keep their own name to be not sexist/feminist.

Of course it's always sexist due to the history and the fact that it is almost always the woman giving up her name. Not to mention the term ''maiden name'' yuck.

A woman making that choice doesn't make it any less sexist.

Whether it's sexist or anti feminism, it is not misogynistic to think that a grown woman shouldn't have the choice to take her husband's name or not, and that her reasons should be respected rather than criticised?

Why? Equality babes