To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

It is inherently sexist. However, the other option is keeping your father's name, which is also sexist.

Well there really can’t be any feminists out there if you can’t be one unless you’ve never done a single unfeminist thing.

I’m going to change mine to something of my own choice.

I’ve currently still got my ex husbands name. Which obviously I do not want long term.

Changing it back to my maiden name involves taking back my dads name, and I have absolutely nothing to do with the guy.

I’ve just got a series of men’s names, non of whom I like.

Thinking Princess Banana Hammock. And then when I remarry (currently engaged) I’ll just keep that.

"My" name came from my dad... who got it from his dad, who got it from his dad....

How is keeping that any less sexist than choosing to share my husbands? I'm just honestly not that fussed. To me all that mattered was us all having the same name.

It matters more to me that he does his share with the kids/at home than that i have his name not "mine".

The term maiden name is sexist too.

It isn't my maiden name, it's my last name. My name is from my father but then s DH's name is from his father too, why is DH's name just his last name or ''my husband's name'' but women have to be reminded that their names are from their fathers?

Oh yeah, sexism.

Nope - we both agreed that rings were surplus to demands.
To be fair, I initiated the objection to being 'possessed ', but DH agreed it was actually totally unnecessary.
I have zero objection to anyone happily endearing a wedding ring, it's just not for me🙂

I am not sure to be honest, it wasn't really a thought i had or maybe I didn't want to rock the boat.
I have been with my Dh since I was 19 first child in my early 20s and we got married not long after, and I've had this name longer than I have had that name,so I rarely think about it until these threads pop up.

I said in most cases, not yours specifically. It's not comparable to surname changing because it's something commonly done by both sexes.

My DH suggested we choose our own family name but I was pregnant and didn’t have the brain space for choosing a new surname. Totally regret it now, could have chosen something interesting/cool!

My maiden name is Dick so I took my DHs non-penisy name and have no regrets or feelings of being unfeminist.

Because you call your husband's name your husband's name and yours is ''your'' name despite the fact that your husband's name came from his dad just the same.

My name is my name, there's no ''my'' about it.

That's not what I said, is it.

My sister's in law (dh's sisters) kept their names.

My maternal grandfather took my grandmother's name (it was English).
I was happy to take my husband's name - it was English - having had divorced parents I also wanted us to all have the same name.

Nowadays I think people can chose. Their choices should be respected.

Exactly. The point at which both boys and girls can choose to take and potentially hand down their mother’s name (without societal or familial pressure or judgement) is the point at which the cycle is broken and there is genuine equality. That’s when names just become names, without any patriarchal weight or significance.

I predict we’re quite some time away from that, though.

I love that you did that, @AnnaQuayInTheUk. That’s the alternative, and even better (and more interesting!), way forward.

If it was genui.ely about a new family name then there would be a third chance of a new / hybrid / double barrelled name, a third of a change of your husbands name and a third of a chance that you both chose to share your birth name. But it's funny how the non traditional / sexist / still want to share the same name people usually choose the husband's name to share

Sorry, I did answer, just didn't quote!

It's a sexist tradition. But then I feel the same about the title of Mrs. Not for me.

Oh, what’s your job? Do you make a habit of calling other women, including those in similar roles to yourself and the ones you’re supposed to be helping, “incredibly stupid?”
This isn’t an argument about feminism. It’s the usual argument about “I’m right and you’re wrong, and if I can’t make you agree with me I’ll start calling you names”.
Disappointing.

This was the conclusion I came to as well. Plus my “maiden” name is my dad’s, so that’s sexist as well.
i made the feminist decision that I preferred my husband’s name 😂 which is why I’m planning to keep it in the divorce too. That and I don’t want a different name to our kids. It’s my name now, I will do with it as I please.

It doesn’t

Out of interest, what is it you mean by 'respect'?

If it's just call adults the name they've chosen, I'd hope we can all get on board with that one. But sometimes people use it with more behavioural expectations than that.

The root of the issue imo is the term 'maiden name', it suggests that every girl child's name is temporary and somehow not wholly hers. Personally i think there is no need for anyone to change their name on marriage, and dc should be named after their mother for practical reasons. (Divorce, remarriage etc) Yabu op.

Sorry, I'm not putting my job on here. I wouldn't ask you to either.

Luckily though, it doesn't generally involve other women trying to co-opt the work that many of us do to try and back up terrible arguments then complaining when the holes in their reasoning are pointed out.

And the thing is, saying that men get their own names but women don't, even when the men and women get them in the same way, is a massive double standard. This is a fact, and doesn't care about your feelings, or mine, or anyone's. If you think a woman's name isn't her own because her father had it first, that also applies to her father, her husband and any other male who wasn't the first to carry his.

Same here! Hated my maiden name so was glad to change it!

My wedding ring never made me feel possessed by my DH but the blessing of the rings before God felt incredibly spiritual and profound. It was the start of my faith journey. I can't describe it with gravity it deserves. Consequently my ring was taken off once to be resized and once when it was cut off when I broke my arm and my fingers swelled. We have been married for 34 years and our rings have taken knocks and scratches on the way and grown with us.

Never understood the ‘maiden name’ is really just your father’s name as an argument. My dad had a hand in choosing my first name, too! My parents picked the whole name! I didn’t borrow it from them. It’s just my name.

We both changed our name and double barrelled both surnames on marriage. And the cat has been double barrelled at the vet for as long as we have been together, long before marriage (us, not the cat. She isn’t married).