To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

But weirdly, you can count on the fingers of no hands the number of men in your circle who felt not personally attached to their name and took the woman's.

Op, this is the problem with socialisation - we don't notice it's happening and everything which suits the dominant power structure feels like 'a choice'.

See also [everything else that women do but men don't].

Women who wanted a name change due to bad association / hard to spell/ don’t like name: did your brothers do the same on marriage?

Women who hyphenated with DH’s name on marriage, did your DH do the same?

Until as many men change their names as women I will not make an individual choice that reflects the patriarchal default.

You can make your individual choice and of course must do what suits you best.

But that doesn’t mean that that particular choice is a feminist choice.

I have no problem with women taking their husband's name on marriage. I can see all sorts of reasons why people might do it. But by definition its sexist. Taking a man's surname is literally a signal that you have passed into his ownership.

I don’t know any women my age (30s) who hyphenated their names but their husbands didn’t. All the women I know with hyphenated names have husbands with the same surname.

(Obviously I am talking about women where I know their husband’s surname. I don’t know the spouse’s surname of everyone I work with).

Same. I've been a widow for 7 years and we were divorcing when he died - I've kept his name because my maiden name is foreign and impossible to pronounce or spell for the average UK person. I don't feel any less me.

Equally I have a friend whose husband took her name. His family didn't take it well, but then they weren't very pleasant to begin with.

Exactly - it’s possible to recognise the wider history and still respect that not every woman who takes her husband’s name is doing so out of blind tradition. It’s about choice and part of equality is allowing women to define what that looks like for themselves, even if the decision doesn’t align with what others would do.

I didn’t change my name when I got married, because I’ve never quite understood the appeal. But you know what? I don’t understand the appeal of loads of other morally neutral things, like football (either definition), or birdwatching, or nose piercing. They’re not bad. They’re just not for me, and I put changing your last name to your husband’s in the same category.

So, YANBU. People leave their names or change their names for all kinds of reasons, and no one gets to tell you what your reason was.

Of course we can critique women’s decisions. It’s not misogynistic to do so.

It's not a feminist decision, because it is following a path laid out by society almost exclusively followed by women and derived from ownership by men.

It does not mean you, personally, are an awful sexist.

Wearing lipstick isn't a feminist decision for similar reasons, but I do on occasion! I am still strongly feminist. All my decisions do not have to be perfect to believe women are equal to men

It’s not equality. If it was, equal numbers of men as women would have those exact same reasons and act opinion them.

They don’t.

It's still a sexist choice.

No one is perfect and pretty much everyone will make sexist choices on occasion.

Ugh. The point of feminism was to give people a choice. There’s no point in having a choice if you’re then castigated for exercising it how you want.

I am both a feminist and took my husband’s name. The main reason was due to issues with my own family that I won’t go into.

If someone feels their maiden surname is an intrinsic part of their identity then of course they want to keep it. For others their maiden name feels like just another name they’ve inherited from a man and for whatever reasons they are happy to get rid of it.

I’d therefore suggest reserving judgment until you cast all those who change their surnames in the role of submissive retrogressive housewife.

I agree with this, but I also think we inevitably all do many sexist or anti-feminist things throughout our lives and flagellating yourself over that makes no difference.

I wouldn’t personally take a man’s name but I do, for example, wear makeup and high heels, despite knowing I’m following a patriarchal norm in doing so.

It does annoy me when women try to reframe blatantly patriarchal acts as neutral or even feminist, rather than just admitting we are all imperfect and that’s okay.

Not necessarily. I was happy to change my name for the same reason as @nellly. DH’s family welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I had a loving family for the first time in my life. I am so grateful and feel privileged to share their name, and be a part of their family.

I agree with PPs that women have been socially conditioned into thinking that they're not losing anything by changing their name. I can't even look up most of my old school / uni friends online because I don't know what their new surnames are. And what happens if you get divorced? You're stuck with the surname of someone you potentially despise. F* that.

There's a reason men don't accept this.

Exactly. I completely agree.

No, feminism is not about choice - it’s about equality and liberation from the patriarchy.

I have taken my husband’s name in marriage twice. First time I wouldn’t have thought about it in a feminist way, second time I did and still decided to take it.

I’m perfectly aware that wasn’t a feminist thing to do. Not everything a woman does is feminist and nor does it have to be.

Also, no, the point of feminism was not to "give people a choice". It was to recognise women are functional adults just like men, rather than the kind of bigger children they had been treated like previously.

The point of it was not to allow women to make any choice they wanted and brand it feminist because it has been made by a woman.

No, equality isn't about choice or respecting that other women make sexist choices or whatever you're saying. You're making a sexist choice, just own it. Pretending you aren't is annoying.

Nah, it's always a sexist choice. People may have various reasons for making that choice, but at heart the tradition is rooted in sexism.

The point of feminism isn't giving women a choice

He can take your name then

Err, thanks for that, yes I am aware, broadly, of the main tenets of feminism.

It’s also worth remembering where we get our “maiden” names from: our fathers, generally… It depends on how people view their own maiden name but for me, personally, adopting my husband’s name felt like the most radical choice I could make at that time and in my circumstances.

I know 4 women at the school where i work that didn't change their name on marriage.

They all accepted engagement rings. Funny how sexism and fighting the patriarchy didn't matter when a nice bit of bling was dangled in front of them.

I do not respect any women who doesn't take the man's name claiming it's an outdated sexist tradition if they wear an engagement ring. You can't have it both ways.

Yes, I preferred my dh’s surname. And I couldn’t give a monkey’s if that’s seen as ‘sexist’.