To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

Such is the patriarchy we live under that I doubt any woman has been able to completely avoid any unfeminist decision. And certainly there are women who took their husband's surnames, used Mrs and still did huge amounts for us as a class.

I asked my dh to take my name, or for us both to take a new name. He thought both suggestions hilarious. But he’s puzzled why I kept my surname.

I changed my name because I was bullied for my surname and hated it. If I’d done it by deed poll, I’d have upset my parents, so took the opportunity when I married. Looking back, however, I wish we had combined our surnames as there’s an obvious compromise name which would’ve sounded fine. Too late now, though.

I quite agree with you. And the castigating of women for one 'unfeminist' decision shouldn't cancel out the many other ways they demonstrate these values. Life isn't black and white like that.

Ugh. The point of feminism was to give people a choice. There’s no point in having a choice if you’re then castigated for exercising it how you want.

It wasn't though. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of feminism which drives me nuts.

Feminism is about enabling women to have the same opportunities as men, dismantling the social and economic barriers which prevent them advancing at the same rate as men and preventing them from being disadvantaged or discriminated against or hurt because of their sex.

Choice is a necessary precondition for women which feminism should enable. And its absolutely a part of being a feminist. Women should be free to do whatever they want, whether they are a feminist or not. Feminism (among other things) has enabled that choice.

But what they can't do is do something regressive and anti-feminist and then position it as a "feminist choice". It may be a choice made by a feminist. It is not a feminist choice.

I know plenty of men who have taken their wive’s names. Personally I didn’t care either way, I took his because I thought his name didn’t suit my old surname

I agree that engagement rings are also part of a patriarchal tradition, especially when the woman is waiting patiently for the man to propose like a Jane Austen novel. If you want a traditional marriage then fine but if you want equality then I struggle to see how you square the adoption of these old fashioned gendered traditions.

I don’t know, why is it?

THIS.

Women choose to do unfeminist things all the time. Something doesn't become good for us as a class because the perpetrator is in possession of a vagina.

And that's fine, actually. It's just one of those things. We'd all be better off if everyone were honest about that.

That's part of freedom, but it's not part of equality in any meaningful sense.

Freedom includes the freedom to make choices which you don't realise you've been socialised to make.

I've already posted, but acknowledged I'd taken my (dead) husbands name.
Before that, I took the family name, then my mums name, then my stepfather name, then my original name, then my husbands name....
I never really gave a toss what I was called tbh.
I've always been comfortable in my own skin not to be arsed about the politics of it all🙂I do understand the 'ownership' aspect, which is why I stopped wearing a wedding ring so long ago. I do hope those objecting to taking their husbands name do the same 😉

My son in law took my daughter’s name. His was foreign and a bit weird in English. People were shocked though.

I felt the same way as you...until I got divorced and have had to choose between keeping the same name as my child or reclaiming my identity. If it's not sexist, then your husband would/will be happy to take your name. My guess is that he won't.

I understand you’re labouring under a delusion, including that any of this is important - people in our family have made different choices and everyone is happy and not trying to argue each other out of it, attempting to prove each other aren’t feminists or that the other person is bowing to the patriarchy. Etc. We tend to have jobs and lives where we’re doing something about the real suffering of women, which believe me doesn’t attach to what they call themselves.

I think your last sentence probably sums it up for me ("it is not a feminist choice but it can be a choice made by a feminist").

For me I couldn’t care less about the my surname. I define who and what i am a name doesn’t.
my husband wanted me take his name so I did.

Why do you imagine those things are comparable, since in most cases the DH will be wearing a ring?

Isn't it just? A woman's name is her name as much as her brother's is his. And even if you do buy into the tired schtick that 'your name isn't yours, it's really your father's', the thought of discarding that in favour of someone else's father's name, whose family shares none of the history and background associated with your own, makes no sense. As it happens my father was abusive, but that's immaterial as that name is just as much mine as his. I'm attached to my name because it's a signifier, for better or worse, of what I've overcome to become the woman I am. A name is very much an identity.

As far as I'm concerned I don't give a bison's bum what other women choose to call themselves. Not my circus, not my monkeys. What does make me impatient is when they bleat online for validation under the pretext that 'feminism equals "choice"'. That word is the typical namby-pambying of the insipid third-wave, who like to accuse other women of 'gatekeeping' feminism and claiming that their individual decisions (typical politics of individualism) are the centre and sun of the universe. Conversely, feminism is and has always been a collective - albeit one containing a lot of schisms and contested political ground. It's never concerned itself much with what individual choices women make, just the conditions which enable those choices (or not). We've far from reached an equaly playing field on that score.

Call yourself what you want - I couldn't care less. Just don't tell me (general response to thread rather than OP per se) that my name doesn't belong to me but is on loan from a man, assume that grotesque title for me of 'maiden name', thus announcing my sexual status in a way no man would have to tolerate, or trot out the irritating pretext that because a woman is making a choice, it's feminist because 'feminism = choice' and that is something other women should celebrate and 'respect'.

I don't.

I've never owned a wedding ring
Never got engaged, we just discussed getting married and then arranged a date
He didn't ask my dad's permission to marry me
I didn't wear a white dress
No one 'gave me away'

No it's about equality, making sure women aren't treated differently just for being female.

Because most men wouldn’t dream of taking the woman’s name.

I Work in the wedding industry…..and I don’t get it personally, as after my divorce and subsequently changing back to my maiden name, I swore never to lose it again. My partner accepted it, and our son also has my name.

but it’s a totally personal choice, so who am I to judge …

I'm puzzled by why you married him.

The delusion is doing something sexist and claiming that it isn't sexist.

People can do what they like but it doesn't make something less sexist just because it's a choice they are making and are happy with. Even if that is a woman.

I don’t care what people do. They can take their husbands’s name, their husband can take theirs, they can combine them or have a new name completely.
I don’t however think it is sexiest to take your husband’s name as your maiden name is probably from another man - your father. I couldn’t wait to get rid of my father’s name. He was a horrible person.

Speaking as a woman working in a role that focuses entirely on alleviating the very real suffering of women, saying that men get their own names but women don't is both incredibly stupid and a whopping great double standard.