To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Ah understood. You don't mean he's wealthy, you mean he's stable. It is possible to have one without the other so just checking what you meant 😀

Yeah, I also married one of those. He was brilliant - until life happened and he discovered alcohol.

You can be as careful as you possibly can, and it can still go wrong. Marrying wisely only takes you so far, so don't be smug.

There’s nothing smug about putting a lot of thought into massive decisions. Many marriages still last for life. There is way too much fear mongering and negativity towards marriage on this site. Fear and distrust undermine a marriage.

But no marriage is 100% failsafe and bomb proof. Your post implied that if only women made more careful, better choices then their husbands would not cheat, turn abusive or otherwise go wrong. And that is nonsense.

It’s not. Marriage isn’t something you should rush into or blindly follow your heart. Some people display major red flags at the dating stage- men or women shouldn’t ignore those. Plenty of spouses also never behave in such ways.

I’d rather get married and it go wrong anyway rather than never get married due to fear. You’d never try anything in life thinking like that, you’d never step out of your front door. Something can go wrong at any moment to any of us. Plenty of us bounce back, dust ourselves off and try again or try something different regardless.

It really, really is nonsense. You're still essentially saying that if a man turns abusive or cheats in a marriage, it's because the woman didn't work hard enough to pick the perfect man and rushed into it. I do not understand why you can't see how wrong this is. Not everyone displays red flags from the off - sometimes life just happens and some people do not handle it well.

Of course this isn't a reason never to get married. That would be completely stupid. Even in my marriage to the man who started out rock solid and wonderful and ended up an abusive alcoholic for the last 5 years of his life, the first 20 years I had with him were as real as the last. But I won't be blamed for the choices he made. Sometimes people go wrong.

We can agree to disagree.

There is an individual responsibility of both men and women to do their best to ascertain life compatibility. Of course people can always let you down out of nowhere. But many less horrendous scenarios still can be worked out beforehand. For example, if somebody wants children or not, overall attitudes towards money, where you will live, how you spend your spare time, etc.

I take responsibility for my own life, and absolutely wouldn’t have married someone who openly said they didn’t want children or who expressed a desire to emigrate, for example. I’d never leave the UK, so wrong life partner for me.

What do people discuss before they get married?!!! 😂 some things can be compromised on, others are deal breakers. Some things we can’t foresee, but we can at least try.

Wasting your time pointy. You’ll never make a dent in self righteousness like this.

By the way, I am sorry to hear your DH let you down. Of course that’s not your fault or responsibility.

It is hard on here sometimes to discuss anything generally, as there is so much individual nuance, and people understandably get upset and relate things to their own personal situation.

It is very shocking and disappointing when somebody reliable changes out of the blue, not much we can do about that.

My own family members though made terrible marriage decisions despite absolutely knowing track records beforehand. Really unwise decisions which impacted negatively on many around them.

So in your opinion there is no need to try to get to know who you are marrying? No point in even discussing your major values and preferences to assess compatibility? No point in taking some time to really get to know somebody? No point taking notice of any obvious red flags? Nothing self-righteous about that, just basic common sense surely?

I didn’t say that, did I? Your attitude reeks of sanctimony.

No it doesn’t. Were you brought up in a family full of unpredictable people? I observed as a child compulsive liars, thieves, domestic abuse and have a family member currently in prison for a very serious and horrendous crime. I am a child who watched and knew right from wrong and knew from age 5 I would be living my life very differently and surrounding myself with very different people. I value honesty so highly. I am very proud of myself because I had no clear moral guidance growing up.

Think yourself very lucky if you didn’t experience a difficult childhood. That has taught me that I myself am responsible for making the right choices after watching people constantly make obviously very wrong and criminal ones.

I am proud of living my life better. I trust myself as an individual to do better and still have high expectations for my life.

Of course. Nobody ever has said that. But the idea that you can 100% prevent things going wrong if only you try is sanctimonious bollocks. Just because this is what you have seen happen around you doesn't mean it applies to the general population, or put more plainly: the plural of anecdote is not data.

Well I’m somebody who prefers to try my hardest than leave things to chance. I’m proactive in life, I don’t make excuses, complain and blame others. I focus on what I’m doing, on my own choices.

Oh and plenty of others have relied on plenty of completely irrational fears rather than data on here. Where’s the data for women who change their surnames once married being forced to do that? Where’s the data backing up women being raped within marriage as the norm it is touted as on here? I have read so much absolute rubbish on this thread, negative, fearful rubbish which is absolutely not backed up by data if you want to talk data.

Data actually consistently backs higher happiness levels amongst those who are happily married, and children having much higher mental health and educational levels being raised by their own happily married parents. I have every right to comment that being raised without one parent alive and being part of a blended step family was far from ideal, and my children are having better. That’s absolutely my opinion and choice based on my own lived experience.

I am extremely bored of this conversation now. People on this site evidently can’t cope with a woman saying I am married! I changed my surname! I am happy! I don’t actually hate my DH or spend my time slagging him off at every given opportunity. Well we exist, get over it.

We’ve veered far from the original topic. Is changing your name sexist? Hell no living in the UK in 2025, the end. You won’t change my mind about that, so I will bid you good evening and leave you to continue arguing with others about these matters.

'Data' actually says that married men are happier and unmarried women are happier.

Women changing their names on marriage is as sexist on 2025 as it was in 1825 though. It may be a choice now but it's still a choice that comes from an inherently sexist place. Unless people start asking men of they plan to change their names on marriage, or men doing so becomes as prevalent as women doing it it will remain a sexist tradition.
Of course it's a woman's choice these days but it's not a choice that exists in a vacuum.

Data actually consistently backs higher happiness levels amongst those who are happily married

The happiest people are married men and single women. Go figure.

So what if the man offered to change his surname but the woman said no I want to change my surname and goes ahead and changes her surname, do you still consider it sexist then? I say do YOU still consider it sexist as the issue of whether its sexist or not is down to personal opinion.

If that conversation existed without centuries of women changing their surnames as they got new owners, then no. But because that history is there then I think even when that conversation happens now, with both genuinely being happy to change, that it's impossible for it not to be sexist on some level. That the concept of changing surnames on marriage at all exists comes from a place of sexism.

If you’re that obsessed with erasing any evidence of patriarchy from history, we’ll need to erase quite a lot of surnames altogether - all those Fitzgeralds, or Jacksons, or even Smiths or Fletchers (these surnames clearly came from the father’s line and emphasised the importance of sons and men’s careers). Why would a woman who wished for any conventions reminiscent of a sexist past to be changed want to keep a surname reminiscent of a sexist past?

I'm not sure what on earth makes you think I'm obsessed. What a funny thing to say.
The thread asks is it sexist and I've answered that, I think, yes it is sexist. No obsession in the slightest, just discussion about a frustrating subject.

I used the word you, because it sounds pretentious to use “one.”… And tbh, who the hell cares if something is technically, historically sexist? Either it is genuinely still done for sexist reasons or it isn’t, and if it isn’t done with sexist intent any more, then it’s utterly irrelevant.

The post I quoted is one where you said you thought it was sexist- unless people start asking men if they will change their surname. Now you've changed it to- it's still sexist until enough centuries have passed by since the times when women changed their surnames when they got 'new owners'

Kindly, if you don't hold the opinion in disagreeing with, what authority are you basing me not "getting it"? The PP responded herself explaining, yet you're insisting you understand why someone wants to wish their rights away without giving an example. If you don't feel that way, what's your point?

She'd be thrilled, that's when she dreams of living! Women back to the kitchen and the children to the chimneys - timeless and beautiful

And yet you dream of a time when women didn't have the rights to education, financial freedom let alone support, the right to work without discrimination, or a choice of if or when they had children. Weird that you list all those things that women fought for as positives 🤔 I thought we lived in bad times and 50+ years ago was more timeless and beautiful. Turns out you do need feminism then.