To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

Ah you got us, we all have our fathers names we are fools!

Funny how no one ever smugly points out to a man that his name is really only his father's anyway so why is he being so petty about changing it?!

I’m not married, but DP and I had the whole surname question when it came to what our children would be called. So we double barrelled. My eldest often shortens to just my surname and this seems to annoy DP for some reason. He’s worried it will be dropped completely - because it’s TRADITIONAL to have your dad’s surname. Yeah, whatever. Personally, I don’t mind if he drops mine because it was inherited from my dad - ya know a MAN - just like every other woman’s surname. It will be a long time before there’s true equality in this respect. But there definitely should be.

😆
in what way is wearing jewellery equivalent to literally changing your name and labelling yourself as your husband's appendage

and no I don't wear an engagement ring I'm not being defensive but this is a stupid false equivalence

Oops cross posted with a couple of similar opinions😃

I've taken my husband's name and love it. Love sharing the same name as him, our kids, even our cats got his name too, oh the shame! Consider myself deeply feminist in many other regards and live by those principles every day. Accept that it wasn't a 'feminist' choice but no-one's perfect and am happy that we demonstrate feminist values to our children in far more meaningful ways (yep- my husband is a feminist too!). Also for the record his surname is genuinely far better than mine so no-one's going to make me change my mind😂

The reason he doesn't feel the same about his name is, however, on some level sexist.

I don’t mind if he drops mine because it was inherited from my dad - ya know a MAN - just like every other woman’s surname. It will be a long time before there’s true equality in this respect

Surely if he keeps yours then he's actually breaking the cycle and inheriting a surname from a woman? Which is a step towards equality. The fact that your husband is so cross about this makes it even better!

Who pays for it?

Do men get an engagement ring from the women?

Is it symbolic? The engagement ring is a symbol of ownership.

I changed my last name to that of my husband. He wasn't bothered whether I did or not, and to be honest neither was I - I didn't actually decide whether I would or not until the day of our wedding.

I briefly considered double barrelling and we both thought about choosing a new surname entirely but I wasn't overly fussed. I'm still not. It's my name, yes I changed it, but not because I felt societal pressure but because I wanted to.

I think you’re missing my point.

Some people see their maiden names as their own and intrinsic to their identity. Of course they wouldn’t want to change them.

Others see them as symbols of their past and, yes, inherited from their fathers.

My point is merely that you cannot say the decision over what surname to take or keep on marriage is inherently feminist or anti-feminist without knowing the full background to someone’s particular circumstances.

Sorry, whatever your personal feelings on it, you can’t escape the fact it’s patriarchal. If you choose to do it, that’s fine, but at least own the fact that it is sexist.

We are sharing our names - his Mums maiden name and my Dads name (was never mine)

So why claim that feminism is about choice, then?

(My name came from my mother as well as my father, you know. It was her name too.)

I changed my last name to that of my husband. He wasn't bothered whether I did or not, and to be honest neither was I

Can I ask why you went to the massive faff of changing your surname if you weren't bothered either way? Surely in that case you just leave it as is.

It can be personal AND regressive!

The tradition is sexist but I don't think every woman is making a sexist choice when she takes her husband's name, no. Or maybe she is. Can you really be sure that you've made a free decision when you exist within a particular system - in this case, patriarchy?

My husband's name is "better" than my maiden name, which sounds almost identical to a word which is a slur. My husband and I wanted to have the same name as each other, and as our children, so I took his name. I don't believe I made the choice for sexist reasons, purely practical ones.

However, none of my brothers have taken their wives names. I don't think it occured to them. And all of the wives decided to take the name-that-sounds-like-a-slur surname. Despite having the same language and cultural background that I do, and therefore the same issue with the name being applicable to them. But the pull of the patriarchal system of taking your husband's name was stronger than the pull towards a practical decision to take an objectively "better" name.

So perhaps my decision, which I like to think of as a personal and practical one, is actually also just rooted in that same patriarchal tradition.

I think you can. Because of both the history of women being the possessions of their male relations, and that men don’t seem to have these existential crises about surnames.

I think the reason for a woman taking "her husband's name" doesn't have to be sexist, but 9 times out of 10 it is.

If the reasons are that she likes his name better or is desperate to get rid of her own, due to negative association, then taking the same last name as her husband already has would be the easiest way to do it.

However, I would argue that all other reasons are sexist. If it is so important that you all have the same name after marriage, then why not both take a new name or him changing his name to hers? You do lose identity, as you shed a name you have used your whole to identify yourself by. It has gotten you jobs, it's how you pay your taxes, it is how your register for housing, etc, etc. It is an uneven sacrifice if only a woman does this and not the man as well.

Hmmmm. I'm positively ancient, married in 1978 and took DHSs name, but come 1980, the wedding ring came off, I felt like a procession, owned by a man. So, the ring went, and mentally, that freed me to be me..my name didn't matter.
All these years later, I'm a widow, still staunchly independent, never wore a ring, but still called by his name.... go figure 😅

I agree with you about engagement rings. I wouldn't wear an engagement ring for all the money in the world. Nor would I have wanted a proposal or any of the other sexist trappings of weddings (wearing white, the bride being given away by her father, etc.). It all makes me shudder. We had none of that. DH and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary.

No different to where men get their ''maiden'' names from. Funnily enough though it is always just seen as their last name, never their dads last name or a ''maiden'' name.

Do what you want but don't pretend it's feminist to capitulate to a deeply misogynist tradition.

Yup. My name is the only name I've ever had. It belongs to me just as much as it does to my brothers.

According to Mumsnet, women change their names on marriage because they have those awkward,ugly, difficult to spell female last names, and they can’t wait to change it to a beautiful, harmonious male last name. Despite the fact that they haven’t felt the need to change it before and their brothers struggle on with it….

That's what DH and I did. Chose a new surname, made out old surnames into our middle names. That was 31 years ago.