To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

In modern times both spouses usually wear rings so unusually it is an example of a tradition that has genuinely become equal. Engagement rings aren't so but given that they are all things being equal followed by the wearing of rings by both parties to denote marriage it's a real stretch to claim they symbolise ownership

Exactly.

Me too. It isn't my ''maiden'' name, it's simply just my name.

I voted yabu on the basis that if the family want to all have the same surname, they could use the woman's.

Also on the basis that there's no need, legally or otherwise to have the same surname.

Because I was talking about it in relation to this particular issue as I thought the general more macro principles of feminism were broadly understood.

Re what others have said of course broadly the practice arises from the patriarchy and it’s illustrative that men don’t have these wranglings. I am just saying it’s not anti-feminist in every single case.

I've been married twice and changed my name both times. I'm happily married right now but if things were to change and I subsequently remarried, I wouldn't change it again. In fact, I wish I'd kept my maiden name from the start.

Exactly

I really appreciate how honestly you’ve unpacked that, especially the tension between personal reasoning and systematic influence. That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? We can make choices that feel purely individual but they’re still shaped by what’s normalised or expected. I think naming is one of those areas where there’s rarely a ‘pure’ decision but I also think there’s room to be intentional within the system, even if we can’t fully escape it.

True. Out of curiosity, would you agree that you can do an "unfeminist" thing and still consider yourself a feminist?

Why keep one man’s name (your father’s, and his fathers before him to the beginning of time)
that you just happened to be born with, over the name of a man you’ve chosen?
I chose to do that and I’was quite happy to do so, and I’m equally delighted that people go double barrelled, take the woman’s name or make up a new one.
It’s all fine.

Jaysis
why is the name I've had for 45 years not really mine and only borrowed from my dad?

good question... I was pregnant when we got married - surprise pregnancy.

We'd been planning the wedding so the first trimester went by in a bit if a blur. On the morning of our wedding, I remember thinking about our baby, and wondering who they would be, and thinking about possible names - DH's surname sounded better with some of them, and most definitely better with my favourite choices.

As it happens, I've still not changed my passport, it's been 10 years ...

If it's contributing to the oppression of women, no.

Ugh. The point of feminism was to give people a choice. There’s no point in having a choice if you’re then castigated for exercising it how you want.

Ah this is Mumsnet though!
You’ll get jumped on for changing your name, same if you work part-time while your kids are small, if you don’t have a joint bank account, show any interest in cosmetic treatments….
You are allowed choices as long as they are the right ones. Women supporting women & all that 🙄

Because it's MY name. Surely that isn't hard to understand?

OK i am have gone too far with ownership

But
Men have to buy them.
Men don't get one
They are only bought in relationship to a marriage.
They are NOT just pieces of jewellery. They are symbolic to women in a way no other piece of jewellery can be.
There is no male equivalent.

Therefore they are a sexist patriarchal tradition.

Nothing wrong with doing it if you want to.
But silly to pretend it is not based in sexism and patriarchy.

I think people should do what they’re comfortable with but assuming you’re married or have a partner, ask him whether he’d take your name; then you’ll find out about sexism. Or not.

It's OK to take it or not.

Everyone gets a choice.

@pointythings

Same. I've been a widow for 7 years and we were divorcing when he died - I've kept his name because my maiden name is foreign and impossible to pronounce or spell for the average UK person. I don't feel any less me.
Equally I have a friend whose husband took her name. His family didn't take it well, but then they weren't very pleasant to begin with.

I double-barreled with my (now ex) husband and I've kept the double name mainly because changing it back is such a huge ballache and life is too short to spend on this. So I can completely relate.

I don't blame anyone for taking these decisions for personal or practical reasons or because it suits their family life or they preferred his name or whatever. But you can't (as people routinely do on here) position it as a "feminist choice". It's part of this wider backlash trend (and there's another thread running on this at the moment) where people do something incredibly anti-feminist and then call it a "feminist choice" on the basis that its what they want to do.

It's absolutely fine to do it. It's not accurate to call it a "feminist choice".

If you hated your name so much why did you wait till you got married to change it? Genuine question btw.

We are all entitled to our personal feelings, but no they do not opt us out of reality.

The wider social and historical context is a thing that exists. It isn't affected by whether a person understands or finds it convenient to acknowledge. The thing we get a choice in is how we feel about that context.

This isn't how I have read the thread. No one's being jumped on, just making the point that a sexist patriarchal choice remains one even if made by a woman. No judgement on that woman for e.g. changing her name, but recognition that it is still sexist.

I actually find the whole feminism is all being a glorious supportive sisterhood idea sexist also. Being aware of history I have a lot of understanding for why woman make certainly decisions and the unique drivers behind it. As I said earlier, I also make sexist decisions regularly. But I think saying all women are wonderful and beyond reproach in all ways is just as sexist as the idea we're all idiots who need looking after by men

I took his because it was cool, if I had married my ex I would have kept my original name. However, if we got divorced I would keep it until my kids were adults as I want the same last name as my children. Him and my best friend also have the exact same last name and that was too good to pass up.

I like that women now have a choice on surnames, that is progress.
For me it feels inherently patriarchal and sexist. I identify by my original surname and use it for work and socially. With some reluctance I updated my passport to my married surname a while back mostly so that it'd match my child's surname (feels safer for travel). I do not feel that my husband's surname is my identity at all though. I haven't 'taken his name' as mine in terms of my personal identity, even though it is there in a passport. That's just my personal feelings about it.

Women are obviously free to make choices.

It doesn't mean those choices are never sexist though just because it's a woman making that choice and other women don't have to pretend a sexist choice isn't sexist in the name of ''support''.