Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

To paraphrase - he’s seeing the photos and you’re seeing all the work behind the scenes.

It’s not just about what you both/each want - it’s about what you’re each bringing to the table to make it happen… Going from 3 to 5 is a whole other ballgame, practically, financially, emotionally. Will he fully commit to ‘his share’ and do you believe him when he says that? Are you happy to do your share?

I personally think it would be very unwise to continue. Do you intentionally want to make your lives x1million harder and miserable?

you have just reached the age of 4 where things will improve a lot, why would you willingly choose to start over with double the difficulty for years and years.

3 kids is enough, focus on being there for them at their very different ages rather than 2 more who will consume every second of your time. I wouldn’t go ahead. 1 would be hard but two is just insane

It's your body, not his. You will have to go through a 'geriatric' (sorry!!) twin, high risk pregnancy, not him. You are not terrible for not wanting to go through with this, you do what's right for you.

You thought you were done in your thirties? I'm 50 still ovulating your nowhere near done biologically speaking

Anyway your body your choice think long and hard about it because the reality of twins is not social media twins with matching outfits and cute photos

If he is all for it ask him how much extra is he prepared to take on? Does he do his fair share now? What about your car can you fit twins in? House bedrooms nursery fees all an issue in the early years

There are loads of positives too obviously but you have children you already know about those

Firstly, it’s your body that will be going through this- so your decision overall.

Twins is a lot, even without 3 other children to navigate. How involved is your husband in caring for the children and around the house? And how involved was he when they were all babies? This would influence my decision massively.

Financially can you manage this? Do you have space for two more in the house? You’ll need a huge car! It does sound like expensive hard work and a serious conversation is needed between the two of you. Is he thinking about the practicalities of it all? Or just thinking about how cute it’ll be to have twins in matching outfits?

You have your practical head on, whereas your husband is looking through rose-tinted glasses. Twins, are going to be very hard work, and that's without factoring in your 3 other children. How much does your husband do now, with regards to chores/parenting? How would your finances look? Do you have enough room at home to accommodate 6 children (included your husband's child)? What about cars - would it mean buying a bigger family car? What effect will having another 2 children have on your current 3? All these things need to be thought about, because they are very real issues that will need to be dealt with.

He’s thinking “How good are my sperm? They’re pretty bloody gooood!!!” And he’s thinking about how good it will be to say it to all the blokes he knows. He’s not thinking “how lucky am I that my wife ovulated twice within a couple of days” or “Geez, that embryo’s pretty good the way it’s split into two”.

You’re thinking about everything else. And that everything else is huge. And long lasting.

Sorry, no advice but I send you the most massive hugs I can.

This. Absolutely this. Will those two blobs on the screen bring chaos to the world you have created for your existing, living and breathing children?
Plus, you don't want any more children which is an argument in itself.

Absolutely I wouldn't. Has he thought of the realities of two children in childcare and the financial hit of that. Possibly can't even afford childcare so would have to become a SAHM. The effect on your older children with less time and money being aimed at them.

He probably sees the cuteness of both of them in a bassinet and the idea of them growing up close together etc. Probably not the realities of them both screaming at 3am when he has to be up at 5 for work or when you have a bigger car on finance and no holidays.

She knows her own body . I went through a natural menopause at 38 , it does happen .

This happened to a friend. They already had 4DC when they discovered she was pregnant (unplanned) with twins. She wanted to terminate as she felt there was no way she could manage 6 children. He wanted the pregnancy to continue and promised he would help yada yada.
The pregnancy went ahead and by the time the twins were 2 she was a single mother of 6DC as her ‘D’H couldn’t, cope.

I have twin babies and a 2.5yo, it’s hard. Really bloody hard (physically, mentally and financially). If you are not 100% certain that this is the correct choice for you then you absolutely should not go through with it.

It’s a hard one but you probably shouldn’t have gone for a scan if you were considering an abortion. Now he’s seen there 2 u must be at least 12 weeks. I am not judging you btw I just think had you told your dr what you were thinking they wouldn’t have sent you for a scan. Because now you see 2 humans forming it’s emotional it’s very hard to go through an abortion. the one thing I clearly remember was they did not let me see anything. Even when I changed my mind they would not let me as the ball was already rolling and I was forced into it and I will always regret it especially as I was forced into it. Do what’s best for you? Good luck op.

Bit of backstory cos I prob should’ve said – he’s not actually the dad to any of my DC. We got together just before I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. He was a work mate I’d known for years, always got on, nothing ever happened until after I’d split with my ex. Found out I was 22 weeks when I got the scan – still had a period weirdly so didn’t twig, just thought I was run down. Shock of my life tbh.

We kept things casual at first, he already knew my older two and I’d met his DS, and it all just kind of worked. He didn’t leg it when I told him, in fact he came to scans and was brilliant. We moved in together 2.5 years ago and he’s honestly been a great dad. My youngest calls him dad – never met their bio dad as he disappeared after we split and hasn’t seen any of them since.

I know he’d step up, he always has, but it’s like what one of you said – is he seeing the full picture? He’s talking about little matching outfits and “we’ll manage” and I’m sitting here thinking I’ll need a new bloody car, can’t fit 5 DC in what we’ve got now. Nursery fees, bedrooms, bloody SLEEP.

I just don’t know if I have it in me to start again. And with two. And I’m the one carrying them and doing the recovery and the newborn bit. I feel like I’ve done my share already, y’know?

Anyway, rambling now – just needed to let it out.

Well clearly she did not - and I don’t mean this as any form of judgement of OP, more to say “knowing your own body” is not a wise way to decide whether to use contraception.

You will need to think long and hard keep posting this f you need to. forget about the contraception it’s done now and this is your life. You won’t get any help financially now except from yourself and oh.

Twins are no joke. I saw my best friend manage a two year old and twin babies and it nearly broke her.

Remind him that women only legally have to take two weeks of maternity leave, so after that you’ll go back fulltime and he can do 50 weeks of shared parental leave. He likely won’t twig you wouldn’t be physically fit to go back due to stupidity, especially as your more like to need a c-section.

Jumping from 3 kids to 5 is huge. Probably you would have to cut down your hours to part time by the time your babies are here. Are you able to make the time for 5 children and can you afford the paycut if you do reduce your hours to look after the twins?
Good luck with whatever you choose, only you know what's best for your family

Well the background makes more sense as to the reason why he would want the pregnancy to go ahead. He may feel that by having a termination you are not crediting him with being able to be a good father and partner who will step up.
It maybe that seeing the scan made him feel like the babies are human beings not a foetus. Ultimately it is your decision but ideally you have an honest and frank discussion and are both in agreement whatever the decision otherwise resentment will creep in

My worst nightmare my god

Hello OP,

I have 3 dc too, though mine are a bit younger.

At first when I read your post I was thinking a bit like your dh - twins, how cute, etc.

But then I imagined myself pregnant with twins and I knew there was absolutely no way I could go through with it.

I guess the question is... Do you think he'll accept it if you do go for an abortion ? If he wouldn't, would that be enough of a reason for you to continue the pregnancy ?
Are you 100% sure what you want ? Or is there a part of you that's unsure ?
What would be the exact implication financially, practically ? Looking at it may help cement your decision one way or the other.

I do think he is romanticizing the thought of twins in matching outfits and probably not appreciating how much work it is. But I can sympathize a bit because, yes, twins are cute. And yet it's also worth remembering that twin pregnancies are riskier both for the mother and babies.

“Lax” with contraception and thought you were “past it” in your 30s 🙄

anywho I had twins - decimated marriage - most men are all like “twins will be amazing and so much fun….” but soon disappear when it’s double the workload

I have twins and honestly I haven’t found it as difficult as I expected and as hard as people made out it would be. It’s expensive but you can get a lot on thift sites and as soon as people hear you are having twins they tend to give you all their hand me downs! Having twins is a joy and I honestly think a blessing. However, I only have one older child so realise you will have much more on your plate! The pregnancy on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame to a singleton pregnancy, I found it very hard physically and emotionally, it’s high risk so filled with worry, hospital appointments, double the hormones, sickness etc so you need to be prepared for that as I noticed in your OP you said you don’t want to do another pregnancy. It’s a lot to take on. Sorry I know this might not help with your decision but just wanted to give my experience of having twins because when I was pregnant all I heard was how hard it would be etc but it’s been great xx

Actually think they need 6 weeks to allow them to recover from the birth ....but get the general point you're trying to make!