Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

Periods being a bit all over the place doesn't mean menopause, menopause is 12 months of zero periods and your specifically told to be more careful as you can be extra fertile at this point hence twins

I thought i was past it at 42 and got pregnant

They are still his bloody children though!

I had unexpected twins after two young children. I didn't find out until my GP examination 6 weeks before my due date (it was the olden days of no scans). Obviously for me nothing could be done, I took was shell shocked and my husband elated. It was certainly hard work (A 4 year old and an 18 month toddler), I breastfed them both so got one big job of mixing feeds out of the way. Slowly but surely they became less work and from toddling on they entertained themselves, frequently in adventurous ways, but we all survived.

He’s thinking “How good are my sperm? They’re pretty bloody gooood!!!”

Which is really stupid, as twins occur when one fertilised egg splits into two or when two eggs are fertilised, nothing to do with the sperm at all.

Lax with contraceptives...after having a child with someone else by accident, and also after having put your two first existing children through having another half sibling and living with yet another man who isnt the dad of either of them or their other sibling.

Why are you so cavalier with the wellbeing of your existing children? Every time you roll the dice with these decisions you increase the likelihood of all of them having difficult outcomes later in life.

Even if you and your current partner are the nicest caringest people around, and it works out long term with him, it's just not great for kids 1 and 2 anyway. And his kid 1. And your kid 3.

I dont know if I could abort twins and you have my sympathy for this difficult decision.

But I keep saying it on threads at the moment - why the hell do people carry on having children after the breakdown of the first relationship with the father of their first children? Just live with your kids and take care of them. Have 100 sexy boyfriends that you see frequently. Just stop trying to make new families that are not in your children's best interests.

Clearly she doesn’t… plus with the last baby she got over halfway through the pregnancy without even realising she was pregnant. A great shame that between two adults with 4 kids between them they were “lax” about contraception, but that’s irrelevant at this point. I think there’s probably an added emotional load of terminating a twin pregnancy, but this is the consequence of not using birth control, so the OP now needs to just make the decision in the interests of herself and existing kids

OP. Only do this if you LOVE the idea of being a single parent to five kids. It's absolutely a possibility, particularly given how much tougher twins will be.

And please be careful everyone. I became pregnant from ONE unprotected shag with my partner (coil had been removed, was awaiting new fitting) a couple of months before my 40th. I terminated the pregnancy, for the record and had tonnes of good advice and comfort from the good women of MN x

@Themomentsheknewshefkedup

so she should be forced to remain pregnant and give birth?

I feel for you OP but I doubt it will be as bad as you think. My twins were pretty easy (I had other DC) and a lot of fun. Same-sex twins are probably easier than a single child when they get to the post-toddler years . Sorry, I know it sounds flippant and I know you have a lot to consider. I think because I have lovely, amazing twins it is difficult to be objective.

Sadly this is too much a reality.

We were done then found having twins and now have 4 and 3 year olds aswell as teens, love them to bits, we made it work, hubby also took a whole month off with his work leave after birth which helped immensely but other than that I found the girls easier than the boys but it's going to be different for everyone ☺️

Sorry you're going through this. I personally would have the termination.for.my health and for the family I had.

No way could I - I know my mental health would never cope with five kids. Neither would our finances without severely affecting our existing children.

that said you were a bit naive to think you were past in your late thirties. My last came along very happily at 38 and now 47 my doctor recently told me that a recent scan suggested I was still ovulating

My sister has twins plus a two year old at the time. It was so very tough for them but now the twins are three and they play happily together. It’s very sweet. But if you don’t want this, it’s your body and ultimately, your choice. Sending love xx

That’s a big drip feed OP.
He’s doing the work parenting your 3 children already, it’s not surprising he’d like to be parenting his own I think.

I know someone who was similar, 3 then surprise twins. I know the pregnancy was harder and the recovery was. She did say they were easier in a way as they occupied each other, even as babies as there was someone to cuddle! She also felt like she knew what she was doing with them.
She also ended up a single parent, dad was never much use. It’s a big financial strain, I always remember her saying that it wasn’t when they were younger (her parents did childcare) and then she was shocked at how much more expensive teenagers were and they haven’t had the opportunities others have had.

@TeacupDoom you are not horrible and speaking as a mother of three I would terminate if I was in your position.

Do you know what risk the pregnancy is? If they're in one tent or two etc? This information might effect both of your thoughts.

Laughing at your assessment of your fertility … periods all over the shop and late 30s & lax …

Sorry it’s just your lack of self awareness is shocking

Tricky one....so much more to this than just any immediate decisions to be made.

As much as it's your body they are also his DC.

Do you hope to stay in a relationship with him?

Would you abort the twins but want him to treat your own DC as though they were his.
Would you be ok with it if he felt after aborting his twins he didn't feel it was his responsibility to do so.

Ultimately only you'll know how you feel and if that's knowing another 2 DC really aren't for you then explain to your DP, and be as understanding if he wants to end the relationship and move on.

I've known a couple of people who've had twins and it sounds like really hard work.

One was a male colleague. When he came back to work after pat leave, he looked 10 years older. After a few weeks, he looked 20 years older and he told me that the twins never seemed to sleep at the same time and he was desperately worried about his wife, who he said was simply shattered.

Another was a friend of a friend. She found the baby months exhausting but bearable, but the toddler years nearly killed her. She was always chasing after one or the other, and while she was distracted, the other one would do something dangerous or destructive, like scribble all over the tv screen with a marker pen or put everything they could get their hands on down the lav.

Neither of them had older children competing for their time and attention, either.

And I know money isn't everything, but the cost of 2 lots of childcare and everything else can't be ignored imo.

Your DH needs to get a vasectomy whatever else you decide.

Men can be pretty thoughtless about contraception, assuming their (female) partner attends to it.

Ok so I have a bit of experience here, I had two children and didn’t really want more, was a bit lax with contraception, fell pregnant and it was twins. I was horrified and I think I went to bed and cried for about 2 days. I couldn’t bring myself to terminate so I went ahead with the pregnancy.

It was hard. The hardest period of my life. I didn’t sleep for 2 years. Couldn’t take my children anywhere except the tiny enclosed local park because I couldn’t cope. I adored and adore my boys but sometimes I do find myself wondering even now how much easier my life would be with only 2 children, and they’re nearly 9. It’s so expensive, I am absolutely run ragged even now. They fight all the time. My house is chaos. My marriage also broke down and I’m raising all 4 of them alone. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’re not looking at this with rose tinted glasses. I wouldn’t change my family, of course I wouldn’t. But it’s really, really fucking hard.

I have twins and your relationship needs to be solid to endure them. It has its cute moments of course but 99% of the time during the first year, it's about survival and getting through it. It isn't fun and it is rarely cute.

That's the reality of twins.

I also had a 16 month old when they were born so it really was survival mode.