Pregnant with twins after saying I was done - now he's changed his mind

[TeacupDoom]

Bit of a rant, bit of a WWYD really

I’ve got 3 DC already, youngest just turned 4, and I was 100% done. Like proper done. Told DP ages ago I couldn’t do another pregnancy. We’d finally got past the sleepless nights stage, things were calming down, starting to feel like I had a bit of myself back.

He’s got a grown-up DS from when he was a teenager, so this isn’t his first rodeo either.

Anyway, fast forward – found out I’m pregnant a few weeks back. Total shock. Not planned. We’ve been a bit lax with contraception but I honestly thought I was past it (late 30s, periods all over the shop). I was set on not going through with it, and he was supportive when I said I was thinking termination.

Then I go for the scan and it’s bloody twins. TWINS. Cried in the car for about an hour, just couldn’t get my head round it.

Now all of a sudden he’s gone from “whatever you decide” to “maybe it’s a sign” and “how amazing would twins be” 🙄 Like he’s seeing some big beautiful family picture and I’m sitting here googling how to manage twin newborns with 3 other kids and no energy left.

I feel totally overwhelmed. Still don’t want to go ahead with it, still feel like it’s not right for me, but now I’m being made to feel like the bad guy because it’s two and he’s caught feelings.

Am I being horrible for still feeling like I can’t do it? Just needed to get this off my chest tbh

But not his body

No, but if she wants a relationship with a man who’s stepped up to be a father to her youngest then she needs to at least listen and talk to him.

When it comes down to it, it will be her choice but as a couple surely there would be a conversation?

Until he can carry them, it isn't really relevant. A twin pregnancy is no joke and he doesn't get to demand that she goes through that if it isn't what she wants.

I think the costs written down to read would wake him up - the first five years and then go to 12+

Housing (will they fit?) Will you need to move?
Car
Nursery
Clothes
Shoes
Food
Utility increase
etc etc

The teenage years will be horrific.

Are you both on decent salaries?

Be very, very practical

And this is helpful how?

In your position I don’t think I would go ahead with the pregnancy.
i would tell my partner - I have raised 3 and I can’t do it again. If you wish to commit to stopping work and becoming a stay at home parent to 5 for as long as it takes then only on those terms will I consider it. If he agreed, then again, I would only go ahead if I were prepared to lose custody of them in the case the marriage broke down, because I genuinely could not do it.

MN really highlights poor comprehension skills.

I have twins. When we had the scan, DH was over the moon. I was horrified.

They were much wanted second pregnancy and I went through with it. I love them to pieces, but whenever a woman tells me she is pregnant with twins I think "oh no you poor thing."

I genuinely don't remember the first three years of their lives. I was so sleep deprived I wouldn't have been able to work, even if I had tried to.

I wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy. You don't even have the financial protection afforded by marriage if, in the event, he finds he "can't cope".

It's £4k per month alone for my twins to go to nursery full time. That's without considering anything else.

Twins are not always the nightmare ( non twin) parents make them out to be.

But to be honest, in your situation, I’d feel vulnerable if things go wrong. If he leaves, he has zero responsibility to support your existing kids.
I don’t envy your decision but whatever path you chose, sort out reliable contraception in the future.

I think his male hormones are going to”oh wow cute - twins - and our first biological children together”

His head and heart aren’t communicating. It’s actually sweet he’s excited.

However listening to your heart is t going to get you through the next 18 years of raising twins alongside your 4 other children between you.

Ultimately the decision is yours and he sounds like he has a great track record of supporting you.

I’d give it a few days for all the emotion to settle and then both revisit it.

It’s obviously a hugely personal decision, but I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy in your situation.

You've got three kids - you know how hard it is. It’s not like you are going into this with rose tinted glasses on.

Also, if you do go ahead, on the bad days (which there inevitably are with parenting), you will always have that little drip drip of resentment towards your husband and think ‘I didn’t want this to start with.’

I wasn’t convinced about continuing with my 3rd (very much unplanned pregnancy) but DH struggled to even discuss terminating as an option. I adore my youngest, light of my life etc etc but on the days when I’m run ragged and feel like I’m getting the shitty end of the stick, I have been known to think ‘I didn’t even want this yet seem to be doing all the heavy lifting…’

Similar happened to my friend. She had two, accidentally got pregnant and it was twins. She had them, she's permanently exhausted, all her kids have varying types and degrees of neurodivergence and are hard work in one way or another, her life is just so relentless and hard, she has no time for herself and her partner is supportive and helpful. If yours isn't then I definitely wouldn't even consider carrying on with the pregnancy, stick to the original plan.

YABU to let thinking late 30s was a reason to be lax with contraception and not expect a pregnancy to happen, but categorically NOT BU to make a decision about your own body. Particularly when it will be a high risk pregnancy.

She clearly did not know her own body!!

This is your decision OP. If you would look forward to having twins with your dp you could make it work (could you be a sahm the first years?). But if you don't feel you have it in you then don't. For your sake but also for your existing dc. I get that your dp wants to keep it. He has helped you raise your kids and sound like a really nice man. It's understandable that he would like to have "his own" kids with you as well. But it's your prerogative and once your decision made be firm and don't look back.

Why does he? Whenever a man says he's done with kids, the consensus is he needs to ensure he takes care of his contraception to prevent any further pregnancies.

OP was the one to decide she was done, so she should have taken responsibility for ensuring she didnt get pregnant again, instead of being so foolishly lax.

Everything you’re thinking and feeling is totally valid. Just let yourself sit with it for a bit and feel what you feel. Take some time. You’ll either decide to schedule something or you won’t. You’re entitled to an abortion if that’s what you want. You are also entitled to continue with the pregnancy but not to be thrilled about the whole thing. I spent my whole last pregnancy being cross and crying. I knew I’d ultimately pull through and it would be fine (different circumstances of course).

It might make the poster who encouraged women to “know their own body” that it’s bullshit and you end up pregnant and with twins.

It’s easy for him to say that when it isn’t his body and you’ll likely be doing most of the work. It isn’t just about him wanting the twins, it is about the family as a whole and how it would effect finances, the existing children, and your physical and mental health.

You’re struggling now and it’s only going to get worse.

Plus, you already know you don’t want to continue and the other reasons like the toll it will take on you is very important especially with twins.

If he doesn’t respect your decision and it leads to resentment and ends your relationship, your concern is the 3 you already have. If you’re resentful afterwards and it is too much after having twins than you have five children to be concerned about if you two break up.

There’s also the question of what if something happens to you during pregnancy/childbirth.

Aww twins x

twins aren’t common but I don’t think twin pregnancy alone is a reason to not terminate.

like you weren’t interested in 1 baby, you never even factored in 2. you really need to think about the quality of life for the entire family here as twins will drain your remaining finances and energy. Like one/both of you may need a better job, you may need to move house etc. I wouldn’t just wing a twin pregnancy without a clear and frank chat about how you’re going to navigate it. Matching little outfits are the least of your worries.

It's your body so only your decision, but I'd also be ready for the possibility of the relationship ending, and that he might decide not to treat your youngest as his anymore.

They might look 'aww' but the reality is often very different. It's a slog.